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50 Shades of Grey
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Ron’s mates are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
“Geez Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?” “Well, I’ve been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me
and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?”
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey……On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, “Do whatever you want.” So, Here I am! |
Month: September 2013
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50 Shades
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9 Months later
9 Months Later…
Keith decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Keith’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.‘I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’‘Don’t worry,’ Keith said, ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.But about nine months later, Keith got an unexpected letter from an attorney.It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’‘Yes, I do.’ said Bob‘Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’‘Well, um, yes!,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy, I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?’
‘She just died and left me everything.’________________________
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And you thought the ending would be little bit different, didn’t you?…You know you smiled… now keep that smile for the rest of the day!
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BLOND & IRISH
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We
are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.”So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they were eating breakfast again, when the radio announcer
said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get
through.”The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
said, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….”Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a
worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do.
which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get
through?”Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave
the car in the garage this time.”I didn’t see it coming either! -
oh.. the south
Florida
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.GeorgiaThe owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”LouisianaA senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”MississippiThe young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”North CarolinaA man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”TennesseeA Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”TexasThe Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.
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Scottish Obituary
TRUE LOVE NEVER DIESA Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office
to see that the obituary for her recently deceased
husband is published.
The “obit” editor informs her that there is a charge
of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, “Well,
Then, let it read,
‘Angus MacPherson died’.”
Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells
her that there is a seven word minimum for
all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says,
“In that case, let it read…….
‘Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale’.” -
Playing Poker
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les’ wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les’ wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’ Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you 200.’After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les’ house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of 200 – they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’
With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’ Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you 200?’
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me 200.
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying ‘He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed 200 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’
Now THAT my friends, is a poker player. -
PHSYCHIATRISTS VS BARTENDERS
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’‘How much do you charge?’‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!’FORGET THE SHRINKS..HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more,And nothing but happiness come through your door! -
The Bar
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian,
a Turk, an Aussie, an American, an Egyptian, a Jap,
a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian,
a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede,
a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb,
a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a bar.The bartender says,
“I can’t let you in without a Thai.”
🙂
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This explains everything
PLEASE READ IMPORTANT.DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT.WARNING TO US ALL!!!Shampoo Warning! I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower!When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body,And printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”No wonder I have been gaining weight!Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap.It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”Problem solved! If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower! -
Fun Stuff You May Not Know!
Fun Stuff You May Not Know!
FACTS YOU MAY NOT KNOW…………………..It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals..
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year..Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450 F.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
A comet’s tail always points away from the sun.
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy.
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
And last but not least:This is called ‘money bags’. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year.
Superstitious or not, I passed this along because it is interesting information.
