Day: October 16, 2013

  • On safari with the mother-in-law

    A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

    One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her mother gone.
    She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
    In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion
    “What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.
    “Nothing,” her husband replied, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

    WAN

  • Musicians

    This is from a mailing list I get [it is British]:

    Hi Guys,

    True story…

    Once, back in the days when I was playing in bands,
    we played an anti-drugs concert in the north of
    England with several other bands

    It was a joke in itself because I’ve never seen as
    many strung out, doped up and generally f*cked
    people as the line of musicians who posed for
    the press photographer wearing:

    ‘Just Say No To drugs’ T- shirts

    These were people who NEVER said no to drugs, in
    fact if weed consumption had been an Olympic sport
    they’d have brought home several golds and nicked
    the torch for lighting up.

    Anyway it wasn’t just the musicians who were
    dabbling.

    There was a Pyrotechnic engineer whose nickname was
    ‘1666’ because during his career he’d done more
    damage than the great fire of London with his smoke
    machines, fireworks, powder blasts and other
    explosive effects.

    So this particular gig was in an old, possibly
    Victorian theatre with tiered seating, balconies –
    the lot, and the promoters wanted to make it
    special hence hiring this special effects dude

    As the afternoon wore on we all set up our musical
    gear and did sound checks.

    ‘1666’ was wiring up powder blasts everywhere.

    They were set to go off just as the headline act
    finished their last song

    He’d put powderblasts (explosions with lots of
    smoke) behind the drum kit and all along the five
    monitors (that face the musicians so they can hear
    themselves) at the front of the stage

    But he’d been sampling ‘special cigarettes’ most of
    the afternoon was a very floaty chappie…

    …and he was getting carried away with it all.

    Because, after being encouraged by us non-headline
    bands he put FAR more explosive powder into all the
    devices than he should have…

    …he then put a bit more in for good measure, all
    the while uttering his catch-phrase which was

    ‘I’ve got an explosives license you know’

    The gig opened to a packed house and one by one we
    all played until it was time for the final act.

    Unfortunately as they were plugging in and tuning
    up behind the lowered stage curtain, nobody noticed
    that one of the band had left an empty black
    plastic rubbish bag draped over one of the
    monitors.

    They did a great set and all went well until the
    final song ended and the explosions started

    The drummer almost shat himself when the first
    explosion went off behind him. I’d never seen
    anyone try to leap over an entire drumkit before,
    cymbals and everything

    Much worse was to come though for the poor bloke…

    Just a split second later the monitor flashes went
    off at the front of the stage and because they were
    loaded with so much powder (TOO much) they not only
    blew up the monitors and engulfed the entire stage
    in white smoke…

    …but the plastic bag that had been left on the
    end monitor shot, smouldering, across the stage and
    wrapped itself around the drummers head

    Now I know this sounds awful and it was, but you
    have to realise how FUNNY it was too

    The poor bloke had just heard a huge bang behind
    him and was scrambling over his drumkit when a
    flying half-molten bag appeared through the smoke
    and wrapped itself (like that horrible thing in the
    Alien film) around his face.

    People were screaming in the audience, the drummer
    was making muffled pleas for help and a dozen
    stoned musicians were laughing so much one of them
    was physically sick, which made it even funnier

    It could have been really bad for the drummer
    except that someone – one of the sound guys I think
    – casually stepped forward from the side of the
    stage and emptied his pint over the drummer’s head.

    His head made a hissing noise, the bag shrivelled
    up and made his eyes bulge and the stench of burnt
    plastic filled the theatre

    I heard later he was totally unharmed except for
    having to have his head shaved (dried melted
    plastic doesn’t comb out apparently) and being
    slightly nervous whenever he was around fireworks

    …but the Pyro dude continued to work with some
    pretty well known bands

    …and somewhere I still have the picture of the
    ‘Just Say No’ line-up.

    Life seems a lot safer these days

    Have a great Wednesday

    Tony Shepherd

    WAN