Month: October 2013

  • The Mangy Dog

    “Watch out! You nearly broad
    sided that car!” My father yelled at me.
    “Can’t you do anything right?”

    Those words hurt worse than blows. I
    turned my head toward the elderly man in
    the seat beside me, daring me to
    challenge him. A lump rose in my throat
    as I averted my eyes. I wasn’t prepared
    for another battle.

    “I saw the car, Dad . Please don’t yell
    at me when I’m driving..”

    My voice was measured and steady,
    sounding far calmer than I really felt.

    Dad glared at me, then turned away and
    settled back. At home I left Dad in
    front of the television and went outside
    to collect my

    thoughts….. dark, heavy clouds hung in
    the air with a promise of

    rain. The rumble of distant thunder
    seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What
    could I do about him?

    Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington
    and Oregon . He had enjoyed being
    outdoors and had reveled in pitting his
    strength against the forces of nature.
    He had entered grueling lumberjack
    competitions, and had placed often. The
    shelves in his house were filled with
    trophies that attested to his prowess.

    The years marched on relentlessly. The
    first time he couldn’t lift a heavy log,
    he joked about it; but later that same
    day I saw him

    outside alone, straining to l ift it..
    He became irritable whenever

    anyone teased him about his advancing
    age, or when he couldn’t do something he
    had done as a younger man.

    Four days after his sixty-seventh
    birthday, he had a heart attack. An
    ambulance sped him to the hospital while
    a paramedic administered CPR to keep
    blood and oxygen flowing.

    At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an
    operating room. He was lucky; he
    survived. But something inside Dad died.
    His zest for life was gone. He
    obstinately refused to follow doctor’s
    orders. Suggestions and offers of help
    were turned aside with sarcasm and
    insults. The number of visitors thinned,
    then finally stopped altogether. Dad was
    left alone..

    My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to
    come live with us on our small farm. We
    hoped the fresh air and rustic
    atmosphere would help him adjust.

    Within a week after he moved in, I
    regretted the invitation. It seemed
    nothing was satisfactory. He criticized
    everythin g I did. I became frustrated
    and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up
    anger out on Dick. We began to bicker
    and argue.

    Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and
    explained the situation. The clergyman
    set up weekly counseling appointments
    for us. At the close of each session he
    prayed, asking God to soothe Dad’s
    troubled mind.

    But the months wore on and God was
    silent. Something had to be done and it
    was up to me to do it.

    The next day I sat down with the phone
    book and methodically called each of the
    mental health clinics listed in the
    Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to
    each of the sympathetic voices that
    answered in vain.

    Just when I was giving up hope, one of
    the voices suddenly exclaimed, “I just
    read something that might help you! Let
    me go get the article..”

    I listened as she read. The article
    described a remarkable study done at a
    nursing home. All of the patients were
    under treatment for chronic depression.
    Yet their attitudes had proved
    dramatically when they were given
    responsibility for a dog..

    I drove to the animal shelter that
    afternoon.. After I filled out a

    questionnaire, a uniformed officer led
    me to the kennels. The odor of
    disinfectant stung my nostrils as I
    moved down the row of pens Each
    contained five to seven dogs.
    Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs,
    black dogs, spotted dogs all jumped up,
    trying to reach me. I studied each one
    but rejected one after the other for
    various reasons too big, too small, too
    much hair. As I neared the last pen a
    dog in the shadows of the far corner
    struggled to his feet, walked to the
    front of the run and sat down. It was a
    pointer, one of the dog world’s
    aristocrats. But this was a caricature
    of the breed.

    Years had etched his face and muzzle
    with shades of gray. His hip bones
    jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it
    was his eyes that caught and held my
    attention. Calm and clear, they beheld
    me un waveringly.

    I pointed to the dog. “Can you tell me
    about him?” The officer looked, then
    shook his head in puzzlement. “He’s a
    funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and
    sat in front of the gate. We brought him
    in, figuring someone would be right down
    to claim him. That was two weeks ago and
    we’ve heard nothing. His time is up
    tomorrow.” He gestured helplessly.

    As the words sank in I turned to the man
    in horror.. “You mean you’re going to
    kill him?”

    “Ma’am,” he said gently, “that’s our
    policy. We don’t have room for every
    unclaimed dog.”

    I looked at the pointer again. The calm
    brown eyes awaited my

    decision. “I’ll take him,” I said. I
    drove home with the dog on the

    front seat beside me.. When I reached
    the house I honked the horn twice. I was
    helping my prize out of the car when Dad
    shuffled onto the front porch… “Ta-da!
    Look what I got for you, Dad !” I said
    excitedly.

    Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in
    disgust. “If I had wanted a dog I would
    have gotten one. And I would have picked
    out a better specimen than that bag of
    bones. Keep it! I don’t want it” Dad
    waved his arm scornfully and turned back
    toward the house.

    Anger rose inside me.. It squeezed
    together my throat muscles and pounded
    into my temples. “You’d better get used
    to him, Dad. He’s staying!”

    Dad ignored me.. “Did you hear me, Dad
    ?” I screamed. At those words Dad
    whirled angrily, his hands clenched at
    his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing
    with hate. We stood glaring at each
    other like duelists, when suddenly the
    pointer pulled free from my grasp. He
    wobbled toward my dad and sat down in
    front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he
    raised his paw..

    Dad’s lower jaw trembled as he stared at
    the uplifted paw confusion replaced the
    anger in his eyes. The pointer waited
    patiently. Then Dad was on his knees
    hugging the animal.

    It was the beginning of a warm and
    intimate friendshi p. Dad named the
    pointer Cheyenne . Together he and
    Cheyenne explored the community. They
    spent long hours walking down dusty
    lanes. They spent reflective moments on
    the banks of streams, angling for tasty
    trout. They even started to attend
    Sunday services together, Dad sitting in
    a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his
    feet.

    Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable
    throughout the next three years. Dad’s
    bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne
    made many friends. Then late one night I
    was startled to feel Cheyenne ‘s cold
    nose burrowing through our bed covers.
    He had never before come into our
    bedroom at night.. I woke Dick, put on
    my robe and ran into my father’s room.
    Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But
    his spirit had left quietly sometime
    during the night.

    Two days later my shock and grief
    deepened when I discovered Cheyenne
    lying dead beside Dad’s bed. I wrapped
    his still form in the rag rug he had
    slept on. As Dick and I buried him near
    a favourite fishing hole, I silently
    thanked the dog for the help he had
    given me in restoring Dad’s peace of
    mind.

    The morning of Dad’s funeral dawned
    overcast and dreary. This day looks like
    the way I feel, I thought, as I walked
    down the aisle to the pews reserved for
    family. I was surprised to see the many
    friends Dad and Cheyenne had made
    filling the church.. The pastor began
    his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad
    and the dog who had changed his life.

    And then the pastor turned to Hebrews
    13:2. “Do not neglect to show
    hospitality to strangers, for by this
    some have entertained angels without
    knowing it.”

    “I’ve often thanked God for sending that
    angel,” he said.

    For me, the past dropped into place,
    completing a puzzle that I had not seen
    before: the sympathetic voice that had
    just read the right article… Cheyenne
    ‘s unexpected appearance at the animal
    shelter .

    …his calm acceptance and complete
    devotion to my father. . and the
    proximity of their deaths. And suddenly
    I understood. I knew that God had
    answered my prayers after all.

    Life is too short for drama or petty
    things, so laugh hard, love truly and
    forgive quickly. Live While You Are
    Alive. Forgive now those who made you
    cry. You might not get a second time.

    And if you don’t send this to at least 4
    people —nobody cares.. But do share
    this with someone. Lost time can never
    be found.
     God answers our prayers in His
    time……..not ours..

    WAN

  • Helpful Hints

    Bear Alert:

    The Colorado State Department of Fish and 
    Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, 
    and golfers to take extra precautions and be 
    on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, 
    Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

    They advise people to wear noise-producing 
    devices such as little bells on their clothing 
    to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

    They also advise you to carry pepper spray 
    in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also 
    a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

    People should be able to recognize the difference 
    between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

    Black bear droppings are smaller and contain 
    berries and possibly squirrel fur.

    Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and 
    smell like pepper spray.

    WAN

     

  • At the elevator

    This morning I was beaten up by a woman…I was in an elevator when this busty woman got in.
    I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..?
                                     So I did …..
                                     I don’t remember much afterwards
    20131021_At the elevator
  • Irish Diet

    Paddy Nordin was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

     

    I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day … And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.” 

     

    When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

     

    “That’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

     

    Paddy nodded….

     

    I’ll tell you though, be all the saints, I taught I were going to drop dead on that third day.”

     

    “You mean from the hunger?” asked the doctor.

     

    No, from the bloody skipping!”

    WAN 

  • On safari with the mother-in-law

    A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

    One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her mother gone.
    She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
    In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion
    “What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.
    “Nothing,” her husband replied, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

    WAN

  • Musicians

    This is from a mailing list I get [it is British]:

    Hi Guys,

    True story…

    Once, back in the days when I was playing in bands,
    we played an anti-drugs concert in the north of
    England with several other bands

    It was a joke in itself because I’ve never seen as
    many strung out, doped up and generally f*cked
    people as the line of musicians who posed for
    the press photographer wearing:

    ‘Just Say No To drugs’ T- shirts

    These were people who NEVER said no to drugs, in
    fact if weed consumption had been an Olympic sport
    they’d have brought home several golds and nicked
    the torch for lighting up.

    Anyway it wasn’t just the musicians who were
    dabbling.

    There was a Pyrotechnic engineer whose nickname was
    ‘1666’ because during his career he’d done more
    damage than the great fire of London with his smoke
    machines, fireworks, powder blasts and other
    explosive effects.

    So this particular gig was in an old, possibly
    Victorian theatre with tiered seating, balconies –
    the lot, and the promoters wanted to make it
    special hence hiring this special effects dude

    As the afternoon wore on we all set up our musical
    gear and did sound checks.

    ‘1666’ was wiring up powder blasts everywhere.

    They were set to go off just as the headline act
    finished their last song

    He’d put powderblasts (explosions with lots of
    smoke) behind the drum kit and all along the five
    monitors (that face the musicians so they can hear
    themselves) at the front of the stage

    But he’d been sampling ‘special cigarettes’ most of
    the afternoon was a very floaty chappie…

    …and he was getting carried away with it all.

    Because, after being encouraged by us non-headline
    bands he put FAR more explosive powder into all the
    devices than he should have…

    …he then put a bit more in for good measure, all
    the while uttering his catch-phrase which was

    ‘I’ve got an explosives license you know’

    The gig opened to a packed house and one by one we
    all played until it was time for the final act.

    Unfortunately as they were plugging in and tuning
    up behind the lowered stage curtain, nobody noticed
    that one of the band had left an empty black
    plastic rubbish bag draped over one of the
    monitors.

    They did a great set and all went well until the
    final song ended and the explosions started

    The drummer almost shat himself when the first
    explosion went off behind him. I’d never seen
    anyone try to leap over an entire drumkit before,
    cymbals and everything

    Much worse was to come though for the poor bloke…

    Just a split second later the monitor flashes went
    off at the front of the stage and because they were
    loaded with so much powder (TOO much) they not only
    blew up the monitors and engulfed the entire stage
    in white smoke…

    …but the plastic bag that had been left on the
    end monitor shot, smouldering, across the stage and
    wrapped itself around the drummers head

    Now I know this sounds awful and it was, but you
    have to realise how FUNNY it was too

    The poor bloke had just heard a huge bang behind
    him and was scrambling over his drumkit when a
    flying half-molten bag appeared through the smoke
    and wrapped itself (like that horrible thing in the
    Alien film) around his face.

    People were screaming in the audience, the drummer
    was making muffled pleas for help and a dozen
    stoned musicians were laughing so much one of them
    was physically sick, which made it even funnier

    It could have been really bad for the drummer
    except that someone – one of the sound guys I think
    – casually stepped forward from the side of the
    stage and emptied his pint over the drummer’s head.

    His head made a hissing noise, the bag shrivelled
    up and made his eyes bulge and the stench of burnt
    plastic filled the theatre

    I heard later he was totally unharmed except for
    having to have his head shaved (dried melted
    plastic doesn’t comb out apparently) and being
    slightly nervous whenever he was around fireworks

    …but the Pyro dude continued to work with some
    pretty well known bands

    …and somewhere I still have the picture of the
    ‘Just Say No’ line-up.

    Life seems a lot safer these days

    Have a great Wednesday

    Tony Shepherd

    WAN

  • The Bike Accident

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

    Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

    She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed..

    The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

    “Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.

    ” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

    “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

    He said, “I’m Phil.”

    The entire congregation held its breath.

    “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

    WAN

  • Think carefully, then have a healthy laugh

    A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
    They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The
    waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
    noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table but
    the woman stared straight ahead.

    The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
    out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

    The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might
    offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by
    saying to the woman “Pardon me, ma’am , but I think your husband just
    slid under the table. “The woman calmly looked up at her and said,

    “No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

    WAN

  • So, what’s the problem?

    Some old, some new.
    Avocados
    A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

    The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

    He replied, “They had avocados.”

    If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again!  Men will get it the first time.

    My work is done here.

    Water in the carburetor…

    WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

    HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”

    WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

    HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

    WIFE: “In the pool”

    THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

    25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

    That’s scary.

    It means 75% are running around untreated.

    A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

    Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

    The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

    “Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”

    Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…”

    “What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband.

    “How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”

    HE MUST PAY…

    Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”

    Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

    Today’s Short Reading from the Bible…

    From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”

    Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

    WAN

  • The Bronze Rat

    A tourist walks into a curio shop in 
    San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, 
    he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze 
    statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but 
    is so striking he decides he must have it.

    He takes it to the owner: 
    “How much for the bronze rat?” 

    “$12 for the rat, $100 for the story,” says the owner.

    The tourist gives the man $12. 
    “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”

    As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, 
    he notices that a few real rats have crawled out 
    of the alleys and sewers and begun following him 
    down the street. This is disconcerting, and he 
    begins walking faster. But with in a couple of 
    blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown 
    to hundreds, and they begin squealing.

    He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking 
    around to see that the rats now number in 
    the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming 
    toward him faster and faster.

    Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of 
    the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out 
    into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions 
    of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are 
    all drowned.

    The man walks back to the curio shop. 

    “Ah-ha!” says the owner, 
    “you have come back for the story?” 

    “No,” says the man, 

    “I came back to see if you have a bronze Politician!” 

    WAN