Month: November 2013

  • Lost at Sea

    “Lost at Sea”
    “““““““
    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in 
    a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a 
    burning freighter. 

    While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, 
    Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. 
    Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, 
    he rubbed the lamp vigorously. 

    To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. 

    This particular genie, however, stated that he 
    could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. 

    Without giving much thought to the matter, 
    Patrick blurted out, 
    “Make the entire ocean into Guinness!” 

    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, 
    and immediately the entire sea turned into the 
    finest brew ever sampled by mortals. 

    Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

    Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull 
    broke the stillness as the two men considered 
    their circumstances. 

    Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish 
    had been granted. A

    fter a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: 

    “Nice going Patrick! 
    Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

    WAN

  • The Four Letter “F” Word…

    There are times when the 4 letter ‘F’ word is not only desirable, but quite frankly it can be the ONLY word in the English language that accurately describes some situations. Check out the following examples:

    20131125_The Four Letter F Word_001 20131125_The Four Letter F Word_002 20131125_The Four Letter F Word_003 20131125_The Four Letter F Word_004 20131125_The Four Letter F Word_005 20131125_The Four Letter F Word_006 20131125_The Four Letter F Word_007 20131125_The Four Letter F Word_008 20131125_The Four Letter F Word_009 20131125_The Four Letter F Word_010 20131125_The Four Letter F Word_011

     

    The 4 Letter Word Is FEAR of course!

  • Computer Problems

    Tech Support

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to
    Husband 1.0 and have experienced a slowdown 
    in the performance of the flower and jewelry 
    applications that had operated flawlessly 
    under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 has disabled other 
    valuable programs such as Romance 9.9, and 
    installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4 
    and PGA 4.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, 
    and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. 

    I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these 
    problems but without success. 

    What can I do?

    Desperate.

    ————————-

    Dear Desperate:

    First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an 
    entertainment package! , 
    while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. 

    Try to enter the command C :/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and 
    install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically 
    run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

    Caution: 
    overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such 
    background applications like Grumpy Silence 2.5, 
    Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Remember that Beer 6.1 
    is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav 
    files. 

    DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.5, or reinstall another 
    Boyfriend program! 
    These are not supported applications and will crash 
    Husband 1.0.. 

    They could also cause Husband 1.0 to default to 
    Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and 
    has been known to introduce serious viruses into 
    the Operating System.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it 
    does have limited memory and doesn’t learn new 
    applications quickly. 
    You might consider installing additional software to 
    enhance the system performance. 

    I personally recommend SingleMaltScotch 4.5 combined 
    with such applications as that old stand-by Lingerie 6.9 
    (which should also improve performance of 
    Husband 1.0’s hardware).

    Good luck! 
    Tech Support

    WAN

     

  • Elephant Memories

    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya 
    after graduating from Louisiana State University .

    On a hike through the bush, he came across 
    a young bull elephant standing with one leg 
    raised in the air. 

    The elephant seemed distressed, 
    so Peter approached it very carefully. 

    He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants 
    foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply 
    embedded in it. 

    As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked 
    the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant 
    gingerly put down its foot.

    The elephant turned to face the man and with a 
    rather curious look on its face, stared at him 
    for several tense moments. 

    Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else 
    but being trampled. 

    Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned 
    and walked away. 

    Peter never forgot that elephant or the events 
    of that day.

    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through 
    the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. 

    As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of 
    the creatures turned and walked over to near where 
    Peter and his son Cameron were standing. 

    The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its 
    front foot off the ground, then put it down. 

    The elephant did that several times then trumpeted 
    loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could 
    not help wondering if this was the same elephant. 

    Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the 
    railing and made his way into the enclosure. 

    He walked right up to the elephant and stared back 
    in wonder. 

    The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk 
    around one of Peter legs and slammed him against 
    the railing, killing him instantly.

    Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

    WAN

  • How was I born?

    How was I born?

    20131119_HOW WAS I BORN_001 

    “That’s not what Daddy told me! “

    ================================== 

     

     

    Daddy, how was I born?

    A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

    The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 

    (Scroll down…You’ll love this ….)

    20131119_HOW WAS I BORN_002

  • Death bed promise

    Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his
    nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. “So”, he says to them:

         “Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”

         “Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”

         “Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”

          “Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

          The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away,
    she says , “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property”.

          Sarah replies, “Property?  The schmuck has a paper route!” 

    WAN

     

  • SHEX ADVICE

    A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office. 

    The doctor asked them, 
    “What can I do for you?” 

    The man said, 
    “Will you watch us have shexual intercourse?” 

    The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. 
    When the couple had finished, the doctor said, 

    “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have shex,” 
    and charged them $32.00.

    This happened several weeks in a row. 

    The couple would make an appointment, have shex 
    and leave after paying the doctor. 

    Finally the doctor asked, 

    “just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

    The old man said, 

    “We’re not trying to find out anything. 
    She is married and we can’t go to her house. 
    I’m married and we can’t go to my house. 
    The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. 
    The Hilton charges $76.00. 
    We do it here for $32.00 and I get back 
    $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s 
    office.”

    WAN

  • A THOUGHTFUL MESSAGE

    My first Christmas email…………let the jokes begin!

    20131118_A THOUGHTFUL MESSAGE

    Please drink responsibly – sit down so you don’t spill any!

  • The ultimate ethnic Joke.

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an  Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several  Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a  Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan,  a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a  Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a  Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman  Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an  Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an  Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a  Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an  Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a  Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a  Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a  Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a  Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

    … Walk into a fine  restaurant.

    “I’m sorry,” says the maître d’, after scrutinizing the group.

    WAN“You can’t come in here  without a Thai. “

  • Best Lawyer story

    LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR

                        This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.

                        A lawyer purchased a box of 24 of very rare and
    expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

                        Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile
    of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance
    company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a
    series of small fires.

                        The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
    obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
    fashion.

                        The lawyer sued – and WON! (this gets good…)

                        Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the
    insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated
    nevertheless, the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it
    had warranted the cigars insurable and guaranteed it would insure them
    against fire. Without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
    ‘fire’, so was obligated to pay the claim.

                        Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal
    process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to
    the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

    NOW FOR THE BEST PART…

                        After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance
    company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own
    insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used
    against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
    insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
    fine.

                        This true story won First Place in last year’s
    Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

    WAN