Month: November 2013

  • The Presidents

    We’re Off to See the Wizard!   Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado …and off they whirled to the land of OZ.   They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.   “What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

    Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: “I’ve come for some courage.”   “No Problem! said the Wizard. Who’s next?”

    Richard Nixon stepped forward,   “Well, I think I need a heart.”

    “Done! says the Wizard.”   Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”   Up stepped Bush and said, “The American people say that I need a brain.”   “No problem! said the Wizard. Consider it done.”   Then there is a great silence in the hall.   Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around. But he doesn’t say a word.   Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

    “Well, what do you want?”

    “IS DOROTHY HERE?”

    WAN

  • The Farmer

    A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation.

    There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking.

    The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,

    “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!”  

     

    They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows

    off his herd of cattle.

    The Texan immediately replies,

    “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”  

     

    The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd

    of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie,

     

    “What are those?”  

     

    The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,

     

    “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?” 

    WAN

  • Interpretation of the Law

    A Queensland Judge runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sunshine Coast copper.He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a law official from Brisbane and is certain that he has a better education than any hick cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Sunshine Coast cops expense!!

    Sunshine Coast cop says,   ” Licence and registration, please.”

    Brisbane Judge says,  “What for?”

    Sunshine Coast cop says,   “You  didn’t  come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

    Brisbane Judge says,”I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

    Sunshine Coast cop says, “You still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please” 

    Brisbane Judge says,   “What’s the difference?”

    Sunshine Coast cop says,       “The difference is, you huvto come to complete stop, that’s the law,  Licence and registration, please!”

    Brisbane Judge says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

    Sunshine Coast cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

    The Brisbane Judge exits his vehicle. The Sunshine Coast cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the judge and says,

    “Dae you want me to stop, or just slow down? 

    WAN

  • Government Work

    Be Careful Of What You Wish For!

    A Government Employee sits in his office 
    and out of boredom, decides to see what’s 
    in his old filing cabinet. 

    He pokes through the contents and comes 
    across an old brass lamp. 

    “This would look nice on my mantelpiece,” 
    he thinks, so he takes it home with him.

    While polishing the lamp, a genie appears 
    and grants him three wishes.

    “I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!”

    POOF! 
    A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, 
    so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.

    Now that he can think more clearly, he states 
    his second wish. 

    “I wish to be on an island where beautiful 
    nymphomaniacs reside.”

    POOF! 
    Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous 
    females eyeing him lustfully.

    He then tells the genie his third and last wish: 

    “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”

    POOF! 

    ….
    …..
    ……He’s back in his government office.

    WAN

  • The Lion

    Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter

    A small village was troubled by a 
    man-eating lion. So its leaders sent 
    a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, 
    to come and kill the beast.

    For several nights the hunter lay in wait 
    for the lion, but it never appeared. 
    Finally, he told the village chief to kill a 
    cow and give him its hide. 

    Draping the skin over his shoulders, 
    he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

    In the middle of the night, the villagers 
    woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks 
    coming from the pasture. 

    As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter 
    on the ground, groaning in pain. 
    There was no sign of the lion.

    “What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?” 

    asked the chief.

    “Forget the damn lion!” he howled. 
    WAN“Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?”

  • Marine Teacher

    A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high
    school teacher.  Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
    He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body, but fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

    On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.  The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

    Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

    Dead silence…

    The rest of the year went very smoothly.

    Marine Teacher