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Telephone Messages

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Psychiatrist Answerphone Message

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, 
please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, 
please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, 
please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, 
we know who you are and what you want. 
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, 
listen carefully and a little voice will 
tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, 
it doesn’t matter which number you press. 
No one will answer.

If you are anxious, 
just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, 
don’t press anything.

If you are anal retentive, 
please hold.