Category: Wan’s Humour

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

 

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

 This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught…

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking 
very depressed. 

“Doc, you’ve got to help me. 
I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” 
the docotor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have 
no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard 
I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. 
You just need to work on your self-esteem. 

Each morning, I want you to get up and run to 
the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are 
a good person, a fun person, and an attractive 
person. But say it with real conviction. 

Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all 
around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and 
walked out of the office a bit excited. 

Three weeks later he returned with the same 
downtrodden expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” 
asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks 
I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my 
life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” 
the man replied.
 
“My wife does.”

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened!!? I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home… and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here.. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation…..she never got your E-mail!”

The work qualification test

Murphy applied for an engineering position 
at an Irish firm based in Dublin. 
An American applied for the same job and both 
applicants having the same qualifications were 
asked to take a test by the Department manager. 

Upon completion of the test both men only missed 
one of the questions. 

The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: 
“Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided 
to give the American the job”

Murphy: 
“And why would you be doing that? 
We both got nine questions correct. 
This being Ireland and me being Irish I should 
get the job!”

Manager: 
“We have made our decisions not on the correct 
answers, but on the question you missed.”

Murphy: 
“And just how would one incorrect answer be better 
than the other?”

Manager: 
“Simple, the American put down on question #5, 

“I don’t know.”, 

You put down 

“Neither do I.”

Psychiatrist Answerphone Message

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, 
please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, 
please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, 
please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, 
we know who you are and what you want. 
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, 
listen carefully and a little voice will 
tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, 
it doesn’t matter which number you press. 
No one will answer.

If you are anxious, 
just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, 
don’t press anything.

If you are anal retentive, 
please hold.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, 
and a lawyer wound up together at the 
Pearly Gates. 
St. Peter informed them that in order to 
get into Heaven, they would each have to 
answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, 
“What was the name of the ship that crashed 
into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly, 
“That would be the Titanic.” 

St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, 
figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the 
odors that this guy would bring with him, 
decided to make the question a little harder: 

“How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just 
seen the movie. 

“1,228,” he answered.

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. 

“Names and addresses please!” 

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was 
astonished to see the bed was nicely made 
and everything was picked up. 

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently 
on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. 

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope 
and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. 
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing 
you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because 
I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. 
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of 
her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her 
tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so 
much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. 
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of 
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of 
having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana 
doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for 
ourselves and trading it with the other people in 
the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find 
a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. 
She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care 
of myself. 
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can 
get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. 
I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you 
that there are worse things in life than the school 
report that’s on the kitchen table. 

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

🙂