Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • The Aussie and The Emu

    An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

    The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’
    ‘Sounds great, I’ll have the  same,’ says the emu.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40  please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’
    The emu says, ‘ Sounds great, I’ll have the same.’

    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

    ‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man..
    ‘ Same for me,’ says the emu.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?’

    ‘Well, love’ says  the  truckie, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

    ‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!’

    ‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.’ says the man.
    Still curious the waitress asks, ‘What’s with the bloody emu?’

    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

  • Senior Day at the Super Market !!

    WAN

    Grocery Trip
    There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.
    “Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
    When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
    I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They really need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer!
  • How to deal with a rude customer

    WAN

    For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn’t it a shame WE can’t actually do this!
    An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
    A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin’s 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
    “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS”.

    The attendant replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out..

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,”DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?

    Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

    May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,” she began – her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.”We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.”

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,”F… You!

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)

    I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.

  • A romantic story from Wisconsin

    WAN

    A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

    In a calm voice, the husband said, “Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

    The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I remember that jewelry store.”

    He said, “Well, I’m in the bar right next to it.”

  • My Philosophy

    I was asked, “At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get – Parkinsons or Alzheimer’s ?”

    WAN 

    The wise one answered, “Definitely Parkinsons.  Better to spill half an ounce of Brandy,  Scotch, Bourbon, Irish Whiskey, Tequilla or Canadian Whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”

  • Confucius saying

    Why….. Why….. Why….. ???

    Woman asks:

    If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.

    But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man.

    How come?
    Confucius replies:

    It’s very simple.

    Confucius says, “When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it’s a bad lock.
    But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!”

  • Happy Halloween!!

    The top ten reasons Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating

    .

     

    You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

    10. You keep knocking on your own front door.

    9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.

    8. You ask for soft high fiber candy only.

    7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, and you lose your balance and fall over.

    6. People say: ‘Great Boris Karloff Mask,’
    And you’re not wearing a mask.

    5. When the door opens you yell, ‘Trick or…’
    And you can’t remember the rest.

     

    4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

    3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn’t dislodge your hairpiece.

    2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

     

    And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating…

     

    *

    *

    *

     

    1. You keep having to go home to pee!

     

     

    No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway

  • Don’t eat chicken

    Don’t eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what ! ! 

    A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich. 

     

    He said, ‘Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?’ 

    She said ‘I love it but I have to stop eating it.’ 

     

     

    ‘Why?’ he asked. 

    She pointed to her lap and said ‘Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!’ 

     

    ‘Let me see’ he said.

    ‘Okay’ and she showed him.. He looked and said, ‘That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.’


    He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 

    ‘I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!’ She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

     

     

     

     

    She said‘Oh, my God, it’s too late for you!

    You’ve already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Two Brooms

    Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

    One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

    The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

    After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, ‘I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!’

    ‘IMPOSSIBLE !’ said the groom broom.

    Are you ready for this?


    ‘WE HAVEN’T EVEN
    SWEPT TOGETHER! 
    Oh for goodness sake… Laugh, or at least groan.
    Life’s too short not to enjoy…

    Sounds to me like she’s ……. !


    ……been ….sweeping around!!!

  • Disorder in the Court

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15th.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
    A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
    A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________
    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    _____________________________________
    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    ______________________________________
    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    _____________________________________
    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________
    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________
    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    ______________________________________
    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________
    Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    ______________________________________
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere