A sweet grandmother

Telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked,

“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said,

 “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied,

“Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said,

“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good

News.”

The operator replied,

“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said,”No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”

Happy Halloween – it’s just around the corner

 

Ahem…….

 

The other day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the wicked behaviour going on.  So He sent one of His angels to earth to look into it.

When the angel returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on earth; 85% are misbehaving and only 15% are being good.”

God was not pleased, so he decided to e-mail the 15% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep them going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?  

 

NO?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.

I never cease to marvel at the Free Enterprise System, When a product reaches the point where it’s nigh on to impossible to improve its functionality, someone will still come up with a way to make people want to ditch their old one and get yours.

Check out these motorcycle helmets. The Cops are gonna love these.

If you’ve ever had an Indian taxi driver you’ll love this one…

A drunken totally naked woman jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane, Australia.

The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

“What’s wrong with you Luv, haven’t you ever seen a nude woman before?”

“I’ll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from…”

“Well, if you’re not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?”

“Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?”

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.   The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.   He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.  As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.   Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.   Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.   Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.   As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.   The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.   The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.   Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.   He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.   The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

 

I found this anonymous article deeply moving
— I hope you do, too.

 

 

 

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. 

Recently I was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless Man. 
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper’s’ cemetery in the back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,  being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played  out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
“I Never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic Tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I’m still lost….it’s a man thing

Only in Arkansas .  This is about a lady who lives in Arkadelphia , Ark. She gave CPR to a chicken, and saved its life, and was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.  With Terry Bradshaw as a guest also.

Make sure your sound is on. Video quality isn’t as good as you might like.

The lady is a born comic, and Terry Bradshaw’s reaction is worth watching!

Chick_em

Two couples were playing poker one evening. 

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife 

followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’ 

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. 

She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. ‘After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. 

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m.  sharp – and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 – they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving,  asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’ 

With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’ 

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,  ‘And did he give you $500?’ 

Sue , using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.’ 

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,  ‘He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.  He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!