Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • Tools Explained

    WANDRILL PRESS: 

    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: 

    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh Sh–!’

    SKIL SAW: 

    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:

    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:

    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:

    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:

    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW:

    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:

    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR:

    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:

    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER:

    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE:

    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:

    (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of aBITCH!’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

  • The Harried Pharmacist

    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

     

    Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

     

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

     

    “Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”

     

    “When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

     

    He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

     

    When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

     

    “Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.

     

    And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

  • The Blonde Pilot..

    This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. 

     

    He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

     

    “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.  And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”

     

    She hears a voice over the radio saying:

     

    “This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

    ‘Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.” 

     

    She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I’m in the front seat.”

     

    (Pause)

    “O.K.” says the voice on the radio…. “Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ….”

  • CADBURY’S CHOCOLATE . . .

    I Did NOT Know this:

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    DO YOU EAT CADBURY’S CHOCOLATE?

    We were raised on CADBURY’S chocolate as kids and even into adulthood but I will never eat it again!!
    I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any.
    It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
    This is what happens when you eat Cadbury’s chocolate!
    THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING!
    It could happen to you, your family and friends!
    CADBURY’S CHOCOLATE
    can cause
    SMALL FEET!

  • When I Was 13…..

     

    When I was 13, I hoped that, one day, I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

    When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

    In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

    When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.  Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

    When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

    So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

    When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

    I am older and wiser now,

    I’m looking for a girl with big tits.

  • Hump Day Maxine !!

    Wouldn’t  you love to say this to someone???

  • Same Sex Thing!

    Okay. . . . let’s just put this same sex thing in perspective!!

  • Get Ready to Smile

    I told you not to give me that last beer…

    Now how do I get down?

    Who me? I wasn’t doing nothin

    What does it take to get a walk around here?

    Yep, I peed

    Darling, wake me at 3:00

    If you want something done right…

    When I said my ears were cold I had no idea you’d take it so seriously

    Cat headband

    When I said I wanted a little brother I meant a DOG

    I’m starting to get annoyed…

    I’m getting too old for this crap

    I keep on telling you, I’m not a duck!

    Dude your breath is curling my ear!

    Wait, wait…

    This isn’t the A Train you know

    So this is where you live eh?

     

    Don’t tell anybody

    Kisses!

    Wait a minute…

    I sho does luv you!

    Air flossing!

    Hee Hee

  • Blonde Heart Attack


    A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

    She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting..

    ‘What’s up?’  She asks.

    ‘I think I’m having a heart attack,’   –   cries the husband..

    The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up

    And says,   “Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on”

    The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..

    Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

    ‘You rotten Bitch’, she screams.

     

    ‘My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!’

  • Did I read that sign correctly?

    TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR  BELOW

    In a Laundromat:

    AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

    In a London department store:

    BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

    In an office:

    WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER  YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

    In an office:

    AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

    Outside a secondhand shop:

    WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

    Notice in health food shop window:

    CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

    Spotted in a safari park (I sure hope so):

    ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

    Seen during a conference:

    FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

    Notice in a farmer’s field:

    THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE  FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

    Message on a leaflet:

    IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL  YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

    On a repair shop door:

    WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

     

    Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?

    Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

    This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.

    It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!

    They put in a correction the next day. I just couldn’t help but send this along. Too funny.

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

    Really? Ya think?

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

    Now that’s taking things a bit far!

    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

    What a guy!

    Miners Refuse to Work after Death

    No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

    See if that works any better than a fair trial!

    War Dims Hope for Peace

    I can see where it might have that effect!

    If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

    Ya think?!

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

    Who would have thought!

    Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

    They may be on to something!

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

    You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

    Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

    He probably IS the battery charge!

    New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group

    Weren’t they fat enough?!

    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

    That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

    Do they taste like chicken?

    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

    Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

    Boy, are they tall!

    And finally ….

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

    Did I read that right?