Category: Wan’s Humour

Idiot sighting

 

I  handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for  $400.00 

I said “May I have large bills,  please” 

 

She  looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are  the same size.”

When I got up off the floor I  explained it to her….

 

 

IDIOT   SIGHTING

When  my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to  pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked  in it. 

We went to the service department and found  a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side  door. As I  watched from the passenger side, I  instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that  it was unlocked. 

‘Hey,’ I announced to the  technician, ‘it’s open!’ 

His reply: ‘I know. I  already got that  side  .  ‘

This  was at the Ford dealership in  Canton ,MS

  

IDIOT  SIGHTING  

We had to have the garage door repaired. 

The  Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was  that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the   opener.

I  thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest  one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  

He  shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a  1/4  horsepower.’

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.  

He  said, ‘NO, it’s  not..’ Four is larger than  two.’  

 

We   haven’t used Sears repair  since.

 

 

IDIOT  SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a  quarter.

She  said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill  back.  

She  sighed and went  to get the manager, who asked me  to repeat my request. 

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said  ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’  

The  clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in  change.  

Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.

 

 

IDIOT   SIGHTING 

I  live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!

I don’t think this is a good place for them to  be crossing anymore.’

 

From  Kingman , KS   

 

 

 

IDIOT   SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE 

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  

She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal  lettuce.’ 

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From: Kansas City       

 

 

IDIOT   SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 

‘ Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ 

To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ 

He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

 

Happened in  Birmingham , Ala.

 

 

 

IDIOT  SIGHTING 

The  stoplite on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. 

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. 

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. 

Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ 

 

She was a probation officer in  Wichita , KS    

   

IDIOT  SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’  our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun.. We should  do this more often.’ 

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

 

This was a lunch at  Texas   Instruments. 

 

 

IDIOT  SIGHTING   

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself  and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. 

A deputy with the  Dallas County  Sheriffs office, no less.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child’s name?

“Le-a”

Leah??                 NO

Lee –  A??            NOPE 

Lay –  a??              NO  

Lei??           Guess Again. 

This child attends a school in  Kansas City , Mo.  

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. 

It’s pronounced “Ledasha”. 

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “the dash don’t be silent.”   

 

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.  

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.

               

STAY  ALERT!  (they vote and breed)

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Detroit for Chicago.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

“Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart”etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

“Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

 

My guess would be that Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

A   Scottish couple decided to go to  Spain to thaw out  during a particularly icy winter. They planned  to stay at the same hotel where they spent their  honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because  of hectic schedules, it was difficult to  coordinate their travel schedules. So, the  husband left Glasgow and  flew to  Barcelona on Thursday, with his  wife flying down the following day. The husband  checked into the hotel.. There was a computer in  his room, so he decided to send an email to his  wife. However, he accidentally left out one  letter in her email address, and without  realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a  widow had just returned home from her husband’s  funeral. He was a minister who died following a  heart attack.

The widow decided to check  her email expecting messages from relatives and  friends. After reading the first message, she  screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son  rushed into the room, found his mother on the  floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve  Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know  you’re surprised to hear from me. They have  computers here now and you are allowed to send  emails to your loved ones..

I’ve just  arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your  arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to  seeing you then! Hope your journey is as  uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Bloody hot  down  here!

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says,

“Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys.”

The Redneck says, “I’m not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney.”

The nurse replies, “You might want to consider getting it cleaned, they’re all black.”

An  86-year-old very wealthy man went to his doctor  for his quarterly
check-up… 

The  doctor asked him how he was feeling, and  the
86-year-old said  ,

‘Things are great and I’ve never felt  better.’
I now have a  20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my  child.

‘So  what do you think  about that Doc ?’

The  doctor considered his question for a minute  and then began to tell  a story.

‘I have an  older friend, much like you, who is an avid  hunter and never  misses a season.’

One  day he was setting off to go  hunting.

In  a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his  walking cane instead  of his  gun.’

‘As  he neared a lake, he came across a very large  male beaver sitting at  the water’s edge.

He  realized he’d left his gun at home and so he  couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. 

  Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the  animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle,

and went ‘bang,  bang’..’

‘Miraculously,  two shots rang out and the beaver fell over  dead..

Now,  what do you think of that ?’ asked the  doctor.

The  86-year-old  said,
‘Logic would  strongly suggest that somebody  else pumped a couple  of rounds into that beaver.’

The  doctor replied,  ‘My point  exactly.’

BILL SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR & SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE,

“WHEN I DIE I’M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!”

SHE SHOUTS BACK “YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! “

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with:

A Herd of Cows

A Flock of chickens

A School of Fish

A Gaggle of Geese

However, there are some less known collective nouns.

A Pride of Lions

A Murder of Crows

and their cousins, the Rooks and Ravens.

An Exultation of Doves

and presumably because they look so wise,

A Parliament of Owls

Now consider a group of Baboons.

They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.  And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not…..

A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!

And all along, I thought this was a Congress.

How did I get it so wrong?……Or did I?

That would explain much of what comes out of Washington, Canberra and London…..

You just can’t make this stuff up.

The Smart Car.

If Gasoline prices keep going up, then …….

What we will be forced to drive quite soon.

 

But it is not all grim news……..

Look at all of the ‘great new choices’

 

We will have evolving from ‘The SMART Car’….

The Smorvette!

The Smaudi A3 AWD!

The Smamborghini!

The Smorsche!

The Smerrari!

And last,but not least,

 

 

 

 

 

The Smustang

What Causes Arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,    ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’

The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’

The drunk muttered in response,  ‘Well, I’ll be damned,’ then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.  How long have you had  arthritis?’

The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

 

MORAL: Get the facts first –