Category: Wan’s Humour

THE TEACHER ASKED THE CLASS TO USE THE WORD ‘FASCINATE’ IN A SENTENCE.

MOLLY PUT UP HER HAND AND SAID, ‘MY FAMILY WENT TO MY GRANDDAD’S FARM, AND WE ALL SAW HIS PET SHEEP. IT WAS FASCINATING.’

THE TEACHER SAID,

‘THAT WAS GOOD, BUT I WANTED YOU TO USE THE WORD ‘FASCINATE, NOT FASCINATING’.

SALLY RAISED HER HAND.

SHE SAID, ‘MY FAMILY WENT TO SEE THE CIRCUS AND I WAS ‘FASCINATED.’

THE TEACHER SAID,

‘WELL, THAT WAS GOOD SALLY, BUT I WANTED YOU TO USE THE WORD ‘FASCINATE.’

LITTLE JOHNNY RAISED HIS HAND.

THE TEACHER HESITATED BECAUSE SHE HAD BEEN BURNED BY LITTLE JOHNNY BEFORE.  SHE FINALLY DECIDED THERE WAS NO WAY HE COULD DAMAGE THEWORD ‘FASCINATE’, SO SHE CALLED ON HIM.

JOHNNY SAID,

‘MY AUNT GINA HAS A SWEATER WITH TEN BUTTONS, BUT HER TITS ARE SO BIG SHE CAN ONLY FASTEN EIGHT’.

THE TEACHER SAT DOWN AND CRIED.

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An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before
long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther
is about to leap, the old German
Shepherd exclaims loudly,

“Boy that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!” Says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old
German Shepherd says…

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story…

Don’t mess with the old dogs…

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, please.’

‘Speaking.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When  your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’

‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV(aids). We can’t tell which is which.’

‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders

‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’

‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.

Hmmmmm!

Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.” Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?”

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes forParkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

Pharmacist: “Sure.”

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

Here’s something to think about.

 

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned SIXTY NINE).

 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

 

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’

 

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

 

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

 

‘I said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

 

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

 

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

 

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?’

 

‘No,’ I said…He looked at me and said,.. ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’

PROBABLY MEANS SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN FRENCH…

 

BUT I BET THE SERVICE IS GREAT……….

In a Detroit church Sunday morning a preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.” 
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”  The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then  prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

 

Leroy answered, “I don’t know.  It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

Profound Thoughts:

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

 

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’

Rod continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: “Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.

Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The lady started taking off her clothes…..

Doctor, stopping her: “No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue.”