Day: March 5, 2014
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Grocery Shopping
A man walked into the produce section of
his local supermarket and asked to buy
half a head of lettuce.The boy working in that department told
him that they only sold whole heads of
lettuce. The man was insistent that the
boy ask his manager about the matter.Walking into the back room, the boy
said to his manager,“Some a**hole wants to buy a half a head
of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned
to find the man standing right behind him,
so he added,
“and this gentleman kindly offered to buy
the other half.”The manager approved the deal and the man
went on his way. Later the manager found
the boy and said,“I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people
who think on their feet here. Where are you
from , son?”“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Canada,”
the manager asked.The boy said,
“Sir, there’s nothing but whores and
hockey players up there.”“Really!” said the manager.
“My wife is from Canada!”The boy replied,
“No kidding???? Who did she play for?”
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THIS IS BRILLIANT!
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.Defence Attorney:
Why not?Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.Defence Attorney:
What happened next?Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.Defence Attorney:
Why not?Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!Defence Attorney:
What happened next?Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy’ that I just laid down and told him
‘Take me, young man. Take me now!’Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘April Fool!’ And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard. -
Mathematics Trick
Math trick …
How to change a number 1 to a number 2…..
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off the coast of Kerry in 1998
Transcript of actual radio conversation between the British and Irish, off the coast of Kerry in 1998.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10.10.98.
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the captain of a British navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.
BRITISH: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Britannia, the second largest ship in the British Atlantic fleet!
We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels.
I demand that you change your course 15 degrees to the north.
I say again, that is 15 degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the
safety of this ship.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse…….Your call.
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Diapers; Just In Case You Been Wondering About This
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers
have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while
undergarments for old peopl are called “Depends”.Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em,
Hug’em and Pamper em.When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the
will!Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
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Long time marriage
The effect of those FOUR little words … “I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART”
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked,”How many of you love your husband?”All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him ? Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’ t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What’s up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the f*ck did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she??
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Sex And Good Grammar
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man.The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, ” 1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”And that, folks, is why you should never end your sentences with a preposition, because you will end up with a dangling participle. -
Australia day joke
An American decided to write a book about
famous churches around the world.So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to
Orlando, thinking that he would start by working
his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking
photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read
‘$10,000 per call’.The American, being intrigued, asked a priest
who was strolling by, what the telephone was
used for.The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to
God.The American thanked the priest and went along
his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large
cathedral, he saw the same looking golden
telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of
telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a
nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven
and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.
He then travelled all across America, Europe,
England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he
saw the same looking golden telephone, with the
same ‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.
The American decided to travel to Australia to see
if Australians had the same phone.He arrived at Newcastle in Australia and again,
in the first church he entered, there was the same
looking golden telephone, but this time the sign
under it read, ’40 cents per call.’The American was surprised, so he asked the
priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve travelled all
over the world and I’ve seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a
direct line to Heaven, but in all of them, the price was
$10,000 per call.Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in
Australia now, son – “This is Heaven,” so it’s a
local call’.KEEP SMILING
If you are proud to be an Aussie pass this on!
