Wan's World

Month: March 2014

  • Sister Immaculata’s Urgent Need

    A NUN AT HOOTERS – This is clean and cute.
    A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation — and every once in a
    while ‘the lights would turn off.’
    Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked
    up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
    The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
    ‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
    So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.  After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
    long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
    She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
    ‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender,’Would you like a drink?’
    ‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
    ‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
    Now — how about that drink?”

    WAN

  • Irish doctor

    IRISH DOCTOR (Brings a tear to the eye)
    A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
    “Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients”.
    “Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.
    The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: “So, Murphy, how was your day?”
    Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
    “The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”
    “Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
    “The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir” says Murphy.
    “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the tird one?” asks  the doctor.
    “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!’”
    “Tunderin’ lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor.
    “I put drops in her eyes…

    WAN

  • Winter parking in Dublin!

    On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife
    in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They
    heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10
    inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
    even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can
    get through.
    “So the good wife went out and moved her car.
    A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
    radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of
    snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side
    of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.
    “The good wife went out and moved her car again.
    The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
    radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
    You must park….”, then the electric power went out.
    The good wife was very upset, and with a  worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?”
    Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are  married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
    “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

    WAN

  • A FEW IRISH JOKES

    Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
    “Do you want the winner of the next race?”
    Paddy replies “No tanks, oi’ve only got a small yard.”

    Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
    Mick “What if one explodes before we get there?”
    Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two!”

    A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going…..
    The driver won £52!

    Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
    He phones the police and says “Bejasus I’ve just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.”
    The operator asks, “is it tickin?
    Paddy says “No, Oi tink it’s beef”

    Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re making love to your wife.
    The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
    Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even at home yesterday..”
    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
    They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil…

    Paddy says to Mick – I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different.
    3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
    2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant…
    Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.”
    Mick asks – So what are you going to do this year?.”
    Paddy replies, – I’m gonna take her with me!”

    Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
    Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”


    Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. “Did you find the shampoo?”
    Paddy says, “Oi did, but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.” 
    WAN

  • Making a baby

    Making a Baby….
    This is hilarious!

    There is not one dirty word in it, and it’s funny, and has a moral, have the right information!


    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’ 

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’ 

    ‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’ 

    ‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’ 

    ‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

    After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

    ‘Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

    ‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’ 

    ‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’ 

    ‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

    ‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

    ‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said. 

    ‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    ‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..’

    ‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

    ‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

    ‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    ‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’ 

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

    ‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..’

    ‘Tripod?’

    ‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
    Mrs. Smith fainted

    WAN

  • Money Talks

    Money Talks!

    During the wedding rehearsal, the groom 
    approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

    “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change 
    the wedding vows. When you get to the part 
    where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor 
    and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ 
    I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”

    He passed the minister a $100 bill and 
    walked away satisfied.

    On the day of the wedding, when it came time 
    for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the 
    young man in the eye and said: 

    “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before 
    her, obey her every command and wish, serve her 
    breakfast in bed every morning of your life, 
    and swear eternally before God and your lovely 
    wife that you will not ever even look at another 
    woman, as long as you both shall live?”

    The groom gulped and looked around, and said 
    in a tiny voice, 
    “Yes,” 
    then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: 

    “I thought we had a deal.”

    The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s 
    hand and whispered: 

    “She made me a better offer.”

    WAN

  • The Blonde Cowboy

    A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.   He arrests him for indecent exposure.

    As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you walking around like this?”

    The cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff; I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her.  So I did.

    We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt…. So I did.

    Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants….. So I did.

    Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts….. So I did.

    Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,

    “Now go to town cowboy”.

    And here I am.”

    Son of a Gun.   Blonde Men do exist!

     


    First time I have ever seen a Blonde Man Joke !

    WAN