Blog
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Ed the Chicken
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ed.’Ed was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’‘Not bad,’ replied Ed the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’‘Never,’ said Ed.‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming..As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard…..“Ed, wake up! You pooped in the bed!”Getting OLD just ain’t what they said it would be!
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Perils of a Catholic upbringing
Perils of a Catholic Upbringing
As I walked down the busy footpath, Knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those Unfortunate, homeless street people that are found in every city These days.Some people turned to stare. Others quickly Looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate Them.
Recalling my old parish priest, Father Dominic, who Always admonished me to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry and Clothe the naked’, I was moved by some powerful inner urge to Reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can Only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in Two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person’s Condition.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a True, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called Out, ‘Reach out, reach out and touch this Person!’
So I did…….
I Won’t be at Mass this Week.
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—————— Elevator warning!
Hospital again
:
Today I was beaten up by a woman!
I was in the elevator when that busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said,
would you please press One .
So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Recovery time 4 – 6 weeks. -
Dating in 1960s
DATING IN THE 60’s. Remember those days ?
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963, and James had a date with Annabella.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
‘Oh, come on in!’ Annabella’s mother said as she welcomed
James.
‘Have a seat in the sitting room.. Would you like
something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?’
‘Tea, please,’ James said. Mum brought the tea.
‘So, what are you and Annabella
planning to do tonight?’ she asked interestedly.
‘Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.’
‘Annabella likes to screw, you know,’ Mum informed him.
‘Really?’ James gasped, surprised to say the least.
‘Oh yes,’ mother continued, ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!’
‘Is that so?’ asked James, incredulously.
‘ Oh yes,’ she said. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!’
‘Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!’ James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped
skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted James.‘Have fun, kids!’ mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
‘The Twist, Mum!’ she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.
‘The bloody dance is called the …………Twist!’
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Leviticus 20:13
*MARRIAGE AND MARIJUANA !!!For those who haven’t heard, CALIFORNIA just
passed both laws – Allowing Gay marriage and legalizing use of marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
Makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, “If a man lies
with another man they should be stoned.” I obviously just hadn’t
interpreted it correctly before…* -
Pope’s Crossword
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off
the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman
and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”
Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that.
There must be another word.”
The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman
says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”
“Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
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Merry Christmas
IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN
Who’s jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a
red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and
laughing away,
While flying around in a
miniature sleigh,
With eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
Then let’s face it …
You’re Pissed!
Merry Christmas and a
Happy 2014 !A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
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The Twelve Days of Christmas
The Real 12 Days of Christmas
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered
a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly
delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
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Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at
your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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Dearest John:
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I really must
protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French
hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve
been too kind.
Love, Agnes
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Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.
Now really, they are beautiful but don’t you think
enough is enough. You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden
rings; one for every finger. You’re just impossible,
but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were
beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
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Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese
a-laying on my front steps. So, you’re back to the
birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will
I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and
I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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John:
What’s with you and those foocking birds? 7 swans
a-swimming. What kind of damned joke is this?
There’s bird poop all over the house, and they never
stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m
a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop with
foocking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going
to do with 8 maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all
those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring
their damned cows. There is poop all over the lawn
and I can’t move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes
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Hey! poophead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist?
Now there’s 9 pipers playing. And Crikey do they play.
They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning.
They cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping
all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours,
Agnes
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You Rotten Prick,
Now there’s 10 ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call
those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers
all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve
got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop.
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why this building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m calling the police on you.
One who means it.
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Listen! D*ckhead,
What’s with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have
been committing sodomy with the cows.
All 23 of the birds are dead.
They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our
client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at
Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions
to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
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Only in Australia will you see this…..
Only in Australia will you see this
Road Trains
This is a recent email sent regarding the cattle trains at Helen Springs Station.
There are interesting statistics.
There are 17 trucks with 3 trailers and 2 decks per trailer;
Therefore there are 102 decks of cattle and there would be approximately
28 cattle per deck; This totals 2,856 head of cattle
The cattle will weigh approximately 500kg each
The sale price for cattle at Longreach is approx. 165c/kg
Each animal will therefore be sold at $825.
Total revenue from this analysis is $2,356,200
Another interesting fact:
Each trailer has 24 tyres plus a dolly with 8 tyres
The truck plus lead trailer have 12 tyres plus a dolly with 8 tyres and 10 tyres on the truck
For the 72 truck/trailer combos there are 6,192 tyres on the road
Road trains loading cattle at Helen Springs Station, north of Tennant Creek NT.
