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Two and a half good ones for today

- 26 November 2012, 02:11

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.

I’m so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it’s the same side of the street.
I don’t have to cross the road!

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into
a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt
to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong
with you, honey? – Haven’t you ever seen a naked
woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you
sumsing, lady, I vasn’t staring at you like you
tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”

The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if
you’re not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what
are you doing then?”

He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking
to myself,’Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping
de money to pay for dis ride?’ ”

Now, that’s a REAL Businessman!

Now for the half:

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night…

when behind him he hears:
Bump…

 
BUMP…

 
BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

 

BUMP…

 

BUMP…

 

BUMP…

 

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

 

FASTER…

 

FASTER…

 
BUMP…

 

BUMP…
BUMP…

 

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

 
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

 
clappity-BUMP…

 

clappity-BUMP…

 
clappity-BUMP…

 

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

 
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

 

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

 

 

 
Bumping and clapping toward him.

 
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

 

 

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

 

 

and,

 

 

 

 
(hopefully you’re ready for this!!!)

 
The coffin stops!

 


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