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Time for your morning groan!

- 30 January 2013, 07:01
Have a good week !
 Time for your morning groan!
WANThe Grim Reaper came for  me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum  cleaner. Talk about Dyson with  death
  A mate of mine recently  admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When  I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop  any time….
I went to the  cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a  grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave  diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours  later and they’re still walking about with it. I  thought to myself , they’ve lost the plot!! 
My daughter asked me for a pet  spider for her birthday, so I went to our local  pet shop and they were $70!!!   Blow  this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the  web.
I was at an ATM yesterday  when a little old lady asked if I could check  her balance , so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I  thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an  RACQ van parked up. The driver was sobbing  uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I  thought to myself that guy’s heading for a  breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out  of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My  neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this  morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?!   Luckily for him I was still up playing my  Bagpipes.
Paddy says “Mick , I’m  thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that”  says Mick “have you seen how many of their  owners go blind?”
Man calls 000  and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator  says how do you know?  He says “The sex is  the same but the ironing is building up!” 
I saw a poor old lady  fall over today on the ice!!  At least I  presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her  purse.
My girlfriend thinks that  I’m a stalker. Well , she’s not exactly my  girlfriend yet.
A  wife says to her husband you’re always pushing  me around and talking behind my back.  He  says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair. 
I was explaining to my wife last  night that when you die you get reincarnated but  must come back as a different creature.   She said I would like to come back as a cow. I  said you’re obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police  said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to  the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 
Two Muslims have crashed a  speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .  Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. 
Sat opposite an Indian lady  on the train today , she shut her eyes and  stopped breathing. I thought she was dead ,  until I saw the red spot on her forehead and  realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5c’s and 10c’s  out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got  very angry and started shouting and crying for  no reason. I thought to myself , “She’s going  through the change.”
When I was  in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying  that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if  they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair  of sexists. I mean , it’s not as if she’d have  to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle  nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse  in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker  could be following some kind of pattern. 
Bought some ‘rocket salad’  yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! 
A teddy bear is working on a  building site. He goes for a tea break and when  he returns he notices his pickhas been stolen.  The bear is angry and reports the theft to the  foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says  “Oh , I forgot to tell you , today’s the day the  teddy bears have their pick nicked.”
Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an  envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick  sod!”
Just got back from my  mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the  head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely  service.
19 paddies go to the  cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of  you?”
Mick replies , “The film said 18 or  over.”
An Asian fellow has moved  in next door. He has travelled the world , swum  with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the  highest mountain. It came as no surprise to  learn his name was Bindair  Dundat.

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