Author: csiadmin

  • good ones

    BOOM! BOOM!
    A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me
    and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
    The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
    He replied, “They had avocados.”
    If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again!
    Men will get it the first time.
    ——————————————————
    Water in the carburettor
    WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor”
    HUSBAND: “Water in the carburettor?  That’s ridiculous “
    WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburettor”
    HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburettor is.
       I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?
    WIFE: “In the pool”
    ===========================================
    THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC
    PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRY SOME IN RECENT YEARS.
    25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
    That’s scary.
    It means 75% are running around untreated.
    —————————————————————————–

    HE MUST PAY

    Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said,
    “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
    Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming
    to live with you.”
    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


    Today’s Short Reading from the Bible

    From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient
    wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”
    Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed
    and laughed!….

    WAN

  • Hot and cold

    Hot & Cold you just can’t rush these things
    After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: “You appear to be in good health..
    Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
    “In fact, I do.” said the old man.
    “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly; and then,
    after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot and sweaty.”
    When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, “Everything appears to be fine..
    Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
    The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
    The doctor then said to her: “Your husband mentioned an unusual problem..
    He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;
    and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?”
    “Oh, that crazy old bugger” she replied, “That’s because the first time is usually in January,
    and the second time is in August.”

    WAN

  • Harry the Eagle

    WELL, ONE DAY HARRY THE EAGLE WAITED AT THE NEST FOR MARY, HIS DARLING OF 10 GLORIOUS YEARS.

    AFTER A WHILE WHEN SHE DIDN’T RETURN HE WENT LOOKING AND FOUND HER. SHE HAD BEEN SHOT DEAD!

    HARRY WAS DEVASTATED, BUT AFTER ABOUT SIX MINUTES OF MOURNING HE DECIDED THAT HE MUST GET HIMSELF ANOTHER MATE, BUT SINCE THERE WEREN’T ANY LADY EAGLES AVAILABLE HE’D HAVE TO CROSS THE FEATHER BARRIER.

    SO HE FLEW OFF TO FIND A NEW MATE. HE FOUND A LOVELY DOVE AND BROUGHT HER BACK TO THE NEST.

    THE SEX WAS GOOD BUT ALL THE DOVE WOULD SAY IS ………. ‘I AM A DOVE, I WANT TO LOVE! I AM A DOVE, I WANT TO LOVE!’

    WELL THIS SO GOT ON HARRY’S NERVES SO HE KICKED THE DOVE OUT OF THE NEST AND FLEW OFF ONCE MORE TO FIND A NEW MATE.

    HE SOON FOUND A VERY SEXY LOON AND BROUGHT HER BACK TO THE NEST. AGAIN THE SEX WAS GOOD BUT ALL THE LOON WOULD SAY IS…….. ‘I AM A LOON, I WANT TO SPOON! I AM A LOON, I WANT TO SPOON!’ SO….. OUT WITH THE LOON.

    ONCE MORE HE FLEW OFF TO FIND A MATE. THIS TIME HE FOUND A GORGEOUS DUCK AND HE BROUGHT THE DUCK BACK TO THE NEST. THIS TIME THE SEX WAS GREAT, BUT ALL THE DUCK WOULD SAY WAS…..

    NO!! THE DUCK DIDN’T SAY THAT!

    DON’T BE SO DISGUSTING!

    THE DUCK SAID….

    “I AM A DRAKE, YOU MADE A MISTAKE!!”

    WAN

  • My Accident

    My Accident
      
    I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU,
     Tubes entering different parts of my body,
     Wires monitoring every function,
      
    A gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
      
    It was obvious I’d been in a serious accident.

    I heard her say, ‘You may-not feel anything from the waist down.’

    I managed to mumble in reply, ‘Can I feel your tits, then?’

    WAN

  • American Medical Association has weighed in on ObamaCare

    Whether you are for or against Obama Care, whatever your party, the following is well done and funny:  The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama administration’s new health care package.

    Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted.

    Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!” Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter”. Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was sheer madness, while Radiologists felt they could see right through it.

    Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the initiative was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

    In the end, Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ass holes in Washington.

    WAN

  • 9 things that will disappear in your lifetime

    Nine Things That Will Disappear in Our/Your Lifetime

     

    Whether these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to them.

    But, ready or not, here they come…..

    1. The Post Office

    Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.

    2. The Check

    Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with checks by 2018. It costs the financial system billions ofdollars a year to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the check. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.

    3. The Newspaper

    The younger generation simply doesn’t read the newspaper. They certainly don’t subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.

    4. The Book

    You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can’t wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you’re holding a gadget instead of a book.

    5. The Land Line Telephone

    Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don’t need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they’ve always had it. But you are paying double charges for that extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes.

    6. Music

    This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading. It’s the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem. The record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing. Over 40% of the music purchased today is “catalogue items,” meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with. Older established artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit. To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, “Appetite for Self-Destruction” by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary, “Before the Music Dies.”

    7. Television

    Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers. And they’re playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It’s time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they want to watch online and through Netflix.

    8. The “Things” That You Own

    Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in “the cloud.” Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest “cloud services.” That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider. In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device. That’s the good news. But, will you actually own any of this “stuff” or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big “Poof?” Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.

    9. Privacy

    If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That’s gone. It’s been gone for a long time anyway. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7, “They” know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits. “They” will try to get you to buy something else. Again and again.

    All we will have left that can’t be changed are “Memories”…..

    And then probably Alzheimer’s will take that away from you too.

    WAN

  • The One Phone Call Allowed

    BLONDE PHONE CALL TO MOM….

    “Hi, Mom, it’s me….”
    “Hi, Sally, are you okay?”
    “I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store looking for a drill….”
    “Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they’ve let me make one phone call, and that’s why I’m calling you….”
    “Oh, my God! What happened?”
    “Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face.”
    “What on earth….Why did you do that…?”
    “Well, it really wasn’t my fault.”
    “Dad told me to find a Black
    and Decker….
    Mom, I knocked the shit out of her…!”
    WAN
  • The Mangy Dog

    “Watch out! You nearly broad
    sided that car!” My father yelled at me.
    “Can’t you do anything right?”

    Those words hurt worse than blows. I
    turned my head toward the elderly man in
    the seat beside me, daring me to
    challenge him. A lump rose in my throat
    as I averted my eyes. I wasn’t prepared
    for another battle.

    “I saw the car, Dad . Please don’t yell
    at me when I’m driving..”

    My voice was measured and steady,
    sounding far calmer than I really felt.

    Dad glared at me, then turned away and
    settled back. At home I left Dad in
    front of the television and went outside
    to collect my

    thoughts….. dark, heavy clouds hung in
    the air with a promise of

    rain. The rumble of distant thunder
    seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What
    could I do about him?

    Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington
    and Oregon . He had enjoyed being
    outdoors and had reveled in pitting his
    strength against the forces of nature.
    He had entered grueling lumberjack
    competitions, and had placed often. The
    shelves in his house were filled with
    trophies that attested to his prowess.

    The years marched on relentlessly. The
    first time he couldn’t lift a heavy log,
    he joked about it; but later that same
    day I saw him

    outside alone, straining to l ift it..
    He became irritable whenever

    anyone teased him about his advancing
    age, or when he couldn’t do something he
    had done as a younger man.

    Four days after his sixty-seventh
    birthday, he had a heart attack. An
    ambulance sped him to the hospital while
    a paramedic administered CPR to keep
    blood and oxygen flowing.

    At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an
    operating room. He was lucky; he
    survived. But something inside Dad died.
    His zest for life was gone. He
    obstinately refused to follow doctor’s
    orders. Suggestions and offers of help
    were turned aside with sarcasm and
    insults. The number of visitors thinned,
    then finally stopped altogether. Dad was
    left alone..

    My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to
    come live with us on our small farm. We
    hoped the fresh air and rustic
    atmosphere would help him adjust.

    Within a week after he moved in, I
    regretted the invitation. It seemed
    nothing was satisfactory. He criticized
    everythin g I did. I became frustrated
    and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up
    anger out on Dick. We began to bicker
    and argue.

    Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and
    explained the situation. The clergyman
    set up weekly counseling appointments
    for us. At the close of each session he
    prayed, asking God to soothe Dad’s
    troubled mind.

    But the months wore on and God was
    silent. Something had to be done and it
    was up to me to do it.

    The next day I sat down with the phone
    book and methodically called each of the
    mental health clinics listed in the
    Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to
    each of the sympathetic voices that
    answered in vain.

    Just when I was giving up hope, one of
    the voices suddenly exclaimed, “I just
    read something that might help you! Let
    me go get the article..”

    I listened as she read. The article
    described a remarkable study done at a
    nursing home. All of the patients were
    under treatment for chronic depression.
    Yet their attitudes had proved
    dramatically when they were given
    responsibility for a dog..

    I drove to the animal shelter that
    afternoon.. After I filled out a

    questionnaire, a uniformed officer led
    me to the kennels. The odor of
    disinfectant stung my nostrils as I
    moved down the row of pens Each
    contained five to seven dogs.
    Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs,
    black dogs, spotted dogs all jumped up,
    trying to reach me. I studied each one
    but rejected one after the other for
    various reasons too big, too small, too
    much hair. As I neared the last pen a
    dog in the shadows of the far corner
    struggled to his feet, walked to the
    front of the run and sat down. It was a
    pointer, one of the dog world’s
    aristocrats. But this was a caricature
    of the breed.

    Years had etched his face and muzzle
    with shades of gray. His hip bones
    jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it
    was his eyes that caught and held my
    attention. Calm and clear, they beheld
    me un waveringly.

    I pointed to the dog. “Can you tell me
    about him?” The officer looked, then
    shook his head in puzzlement. “He’s a
    funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and
    sat in front of the gate. We brought him
    in, figuring someone would be right down
    to claim him. That was two weeks ago and
    we’ve heard nothing. His time is up
    tomorrow.” He gestured helplessly.

    As the words sank in I turned to the man
    in horror.. “You mean you’re going to
    kill him?”

    “Ma’am,” he said gently, “that’s our
    policy. We don’t have room for every
    unclaimed dog.”

    I looked at the pointer again. The calm
    brown eyes awaited my

    decision. “I’ll take him,” I said. I
    drove home with the dog on the

    front seat beside me.. When I reached
    the house I honked the horn twice. I was
    helping my prize out of the car when Dad
    shuffled onto the front porch… “Ta-da!
    Look what I got for you, Dad !” I said
    excitedly.

    Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in
    disgust. “If I had wanted a dog I would
    have gotten one. And I would have picked
    out a better specimen than that bag of
    bones. Keep it! I don’t want it” Dad
    waved his arm scornfully and turned back
    toward the house.

    Anger rose inside me.. It squeezed
    together my throat muscles and pounded
    into my temples. “You’d better get used
    to him, Dad. He’s staying!”

    Dad ignored me.. “Did you hear me, Dad
    ?” I screamed. At those words Dad
    whirled angrily, his hands clenched at
    his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing
    with hate. We stood glaring at each
    other like duelists, when suddenly the
    pointer pulled free from my grasp. He
    wobbled toward my dad and sat down in
    front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he
    raised his paw..

    Dad’s lower jaw trembled as he stared at
    the uplifted paw confusion replaced the
    anger in his eyes. The pointer waited
    patiently. Then Dad was on his knees
    hugging the animal.

    It was the beginning of a warm and
    intimate friendshi p. Dad named the
    pointer Cheyenne . Together he and
    Cheyenne explored the community. They
    spent long hours walking down dusty
    lanes. They spent reflective moments on
    the banks of streams, angling for tasty
    trout. They even started to attend
    Sunday services together, Dad sitting in
    a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his
    feet.

    Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable
    throughout the next three years. Dad’s
    bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne
    made many friends. Then late one night I
    was startled to feel Cheyenne ‘s cold
    nose burrowing through our bed covers.
    He had never before come into our
    bedroom at night.. I woke Dick, put on
    my robe and ran into my father’s room.
    Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But
    his spirit had left quietly sometime
    during the night.

    Two days later my shock and grief
    deepened when I discovered Cheyenne
    lying dead beside Dad’s bed. I wrapped
    his still form in the rag rug he had
    slept on. As Dick and I buried him near
    a favourite fishing hole, I silently
    thanked the dog for the help he had
    given me in restoring Dad’s peace of
    mind.

    The morning of Dad’s funeral dawned
    overcast and dreary. This day looks like
    the way I feel, I thought, as I walked
    down the aisle to the pews reserved for
    family. I was surprised to see the many
    friends Dad and Cheyenne had made
    filling the church.. The pastor began
    his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad
    and the dog who had changed his life.

    And then the pastor turned to Hebrews
    13:2. “Do not neglect to show
    hospitality to strangers, for by this
    some have entertained angels without
    knowing it.”

    “I’ve often thanked God for sending that
    angel,” he said.

    For me, the past dropped into place,
    completing a puzzle that I had not seen
    before: the sympathetic voice that had
    just read the right article… Cheyenne
    ‘s unexpected appearance at the animal
    shelter .

    …his calm acceptance and complete
    devotion to my father. . and the
    proximity of their deaths. And suddenly
    I understood. I knew that God had
    answered my prayers after all.

    Life is too short for drama or petty
    things, so laugh hard, love truly and
    forgive quickly. Live While You Are
    Alive. Forgive now those who made you
    cry. You might not get a second time.

    And if you don’t send this to at least 4
    people —nobody cares.. But do share
    this with someone. Lost time can never
    be found.
     God answers our prayers in His
    time……..not ours..

    WAN

  • Helpful Hints

    Bear Alert:

    The Colorado State Department of Fish and 
    Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, 
    and golfers to take extra precautions and be 
    on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, 
    Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

    They advise people to wear noise-producing 
    devices such as little bells on their clothing 
    to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

    They also advise you to carry pepper spray 
    in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also 
    a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

    People should be able to recognize the difference 
    between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

    Black bear droppings are smaller and contain 
    berries and possibly squirrel fur.

    Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and 
    smell like pepper spray.

    WAN