Author: csiadmin

On a Lighter Note…. Phyllis Diller. … Enjoy love Chris

The Wit of Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

If it weren’t for hockey, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbour .
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

August 5, 2013
Directions

August 5, 2013
PICTURES TO MAKE YOU THINK AND SMILE!

August 4, 2013
Marriage License problems

Marriage License problems

San Francisco Marriage License Counter:

“Next.”

“Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.”

“Names?”

“Tim and Jim Jones.”

“Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance.”

“Yes, we’re brothers.”

“Brothers?? You can’t get married.”

“Why not?? Aren’t you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?”

“Yes, thousands. But we haven’t had any siblings. That’s incest!”

“Incest?” No, we are not gay.”

“Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?”

“For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don’t have any other prospects.”

“But we’re issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who’ve been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman.”

“Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I’m straight doesn’t mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim.”

“And I want to marry Tim, are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?”

“All right, all right. I’ll give you your license. Next.”

“Hi. We are here to get married.”

“Names?”

“John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson.”

“Who wants to marry whom?”

“We all want to marry each other.”

“But there are four of you!”

“That’s right. You see, we’re all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me.

All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship.”

“But we’ve only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples.”

“So you’re discriminating against bisexuals!”

“No, it’s just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it’s just for couples.”

“Since when are you standing on tradition?”

“Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere.”

“Who says?? There’s no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.

The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!”

“All right, all right. Next.”

“Hello, I’d like a marriage license.”

“In what names?”

“David Deets.”

“And the other man?”

“That’s all. I want to marry myself.”

“Marry yourself?? What do you mean?”

“Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return.”

August 1, 2013
Indian Spelling Fails Funnily !

August 1, 2013
WISE WORDS ~ SCROLL DOWN AND SMILE

SEX AT 66
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,informing me that I

can have sex at 66.
I’m so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards. And it’s the same side of the street. I don’t even have to cross the road!

~~~~~
Answering machine message,
“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,but I didn’t get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
“With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstormstearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,are we sure this is a good time to take
God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”

August 1, 2013
Sometimes

S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes….when you cry….
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes….when you are in pain….
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes….when you are worried….
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes….when you are happy….
no one sees your smile.

–

–

–

But FART !! just ONE friggin’ time…..
And everybody notices!!

And You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

August 1, 2013
Old Cemeteries!

Two favourites are Spike Milligan`s tombstone epitaph ” I told you I was ill “, and seen in an English Churchyard ” Here lies Owen More, who died owin’ more than he could pay ! ”

Old Cemeteries

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903–Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekiel Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekiel Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer’s epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

========

July 30, 2013
Careful

A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car, in a ‘lovers’ lane’, with the car’s interior light glowing brightly. He carefully approached the car to get a closer look and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine. He also noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked up to the car and gently rapped on the driver’s window. The young man lowered his window and said, “Yes, officer’?

The policeman asked, “What are you doing?”

The young man said, “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the policeman asked, “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugged casually. “Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.”

By now, the officer was getting confused – a young couple, alone, in a car, at
night, in a lover’s lane and nothing intimate was happening.

He asked the driver, “What is your age, young man?”

The young man said, “I’m 22, sir.”

The policeman asked, “And what’s her age?”

The young man looked at his watch and replied, “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

July 30, 2013
Health tips

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

July 30, 2013