Wan's World

Author: csiadmin

  • PHONE REPAIR & Urine?

    WAN

    Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008
    A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

    The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.

    The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

    Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

    1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

    2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

    3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

    4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

    5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

    Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by

    pissing and moaning.

    Thought you’d like to know.

  • Father!

    FATHER  (This One Is Priceless!)   Amen!!!
    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
    The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father..’
    The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’
    The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’
    The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’
    The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.
    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
    “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar..”
    WAN

  • Big end problem?

    WANA Ducati bike rider walked into a chemist shop in Brisbane, Qld and asked

    > to talk to a male pharmacist.
    >
    > The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that
    > as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
    > She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something
    > that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
    >
    > The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional,
    > and
    > whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
    > would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
    >
    > The biker then agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to
    > discuss,
    > but I have a ……permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and
    > severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
    > The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.”
    >
    > When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length, and the absolute
    > best we can do is:
    > 1/3 ownership in the shop ….
    > A company car…
    > Five home cooked dinners a week ..
    > And $ 3,000 a month in living expenses.”

  • Dear Dorothy Dix

    WAN

    Dear Dorothy Dix,
    My partner has a long record of money problems.  She runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, she shouts at me, saying I am stealing her money. She says pay the minimum and let the next lot worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also, she has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbours that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom she has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, she has gotten religious, even though she denies it. One week she hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next she’s with Muslims.  Finally, the last straw:  She’s demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with her, they must sign a loyalty oath. It’s just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
    Signed, Lost.

    —————————

    Dear Lost,
    Stop whining Tim,  You’re getting to live in The Lodge for free, travel the  world, and have others pay for everything for you.  You can leave her any time you want. The  rest of us are stuck with her until September 14, 2013!
    Signed, Dorothy Dix.

  • Adultery

    WAN

    Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest
    that he has committed adultery.

    “Oh, no,”
    said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous
    women in town.
    “Was it with Marie Brown who is always in the dog&duck?”

    “I’d rather not say who it was.”

    “Was it with Betty Smith who plays bingo every friday night?”

    “I’d rather not say,” says Joe.
    So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves.

    While leaving the church, Joe’s friend asks if he
    received absolution.

    “Yes” says Joe,….
    And two red hot good leads!”

  • Short stories

    Warning: This message may contain course language, nudity and/or violence  

    that may not be suitable for all Email recipients. Your discretion is advised.

     

    SCOTTISH WEDDING  

    At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled…

    “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

    The bartender was almost crushed to death.

     

    SEX

    Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..   A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

     

     

    New Book

    A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?”

    She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”

    “That’s the one; I’ll take a copy…”

     

     

    Poor Lance Armstrong –

    I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
    When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my frig’n bike. 

     

     

     

    Drive By

    A guy broke into my apartment last week.  He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.

    Sick Bastard!!

     

     

    The Agony of Aging
    On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
    I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.     

     

     

    SCAM

    Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favourite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s about golf.
    Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.
    Best Regards,
    Charlie Sheen     

     

     

    So True

    Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.  

    The Moral of the story:

    In life, no one helps you once you’ve been f@#ked.

     

     

     Pregnant Prostitute

    Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?”
    “For f…. sakes ,       if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one  

     made you fart?”

     

    Sex Research (could be handy)

    If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome,  

     now I understand why they call you handsome!

     

     

     EASYJET

    Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
    The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?” 
    Paddy replies “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane. “

    WAN

  • Tonsillectormy vs Circumcision

    20130503_Tonsillectormy vs Circumcision

    Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.
    Theirs will be first on the schedule.
    The older boy leans over and asks,
    “What are you having done?”
    The second boy says,
    “I’m getting my tonsils out, and I’m afraid.”
    The older  boy says,
    “You’ve got nothing to worry about.
    I had that done when I was four.
    They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
    they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
    It’s a breeze.”
    The second boy then asks,
    “What are you going in for?”
    The first boy says, “Circumcision.”
    “Whoa!” the smaller boy replies.
    “Good luck, buddy.  I had that done when I was born.
    Couldn’t walk for a year!”

  • Romantic Wife

    Romantic Wife:
    A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

    “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

    If you are laughing, send me your smile.

    If you are eating, send me a bite.

    If you are drinking send me a sip.

    If you are crying, send me your tears.

    I love you!

    The husband, typically nonromantic, replied,

    “I am on the toilet.  Please advise.”

    WAN

  • West Indies method of queueing at the post office!

    Makes good sense to me !!!

    20130503_West Indies method of queueing at the post office

  • A Glimmer of hope

    WANSMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE GLOOM !

    ‘Viagra is now available in tea bags.
    It doesn’t enhance your sexual performance
    but it does stop your biscuit going soft.