Wan's World

Author: csiadmin

  • Sister Immaculata’s Urgent Need

    A NUN AT HOOTERS – This is clean and cute.
    A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation — and every once in a
    while ‘the lights would turn off.’
    Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked
    up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
    The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
    ‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
    So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.  After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
    long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
    She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
    ‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender,’Would you like a drink?’
    ‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
    ‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
    Now — how about that drink?”

    WAN

  • Irish doctor

    IRISH DOCTOR (Brings a tear to the eye)
    A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
    “Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients”.
    “Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.
    The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: “So, Murphy, how was your day?”
    Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
    “The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”
    “Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
    “The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir” says Murphy.
    “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the tird one?” asks  the doctor.
    “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!’”
    “Tunderin’ lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor.
    “I put drops in her eyes…

    WAN

  • Winter parking in Dublin!

    On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife
    in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They
    heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10
    inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
    even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can
    get through.
    “So the good wife went out and moved her car.
    A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
    radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of
    snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side
    of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.
    “The good wife went out and moved her car again.
    The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
    radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
    You must park….”, then the electric power went out.
    The good wife was very upset, and with a  worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?”
    Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are  married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
    “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

    WAN

  • A FEW IRISH JOKES

    Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
    “Do you want the winner of the next race?”
    Paddy replies “No tanks, oi’ve only got a small yard.”

    Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
    Mick “What if one explodes before we get there?”
    Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two!”

    A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going…..
    The driver won £52!

    Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
    He phones the police and says “Bejasus I’ve just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.”
    The operator asks, “is it tickin?
    Paddy says “No, Oi tink it’s beef”

    Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re making love to your wife.
    The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
    Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even at home yesterday..”
    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
    They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil…

    Paddy says to Mick – I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different.
    3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
    2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant…
    Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.”
    Mick asks – So what are you going to do this year?.”
    Paddy replies, – I’m gonna take her with me!”

    Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
    Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”


    Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. “Did you find the shampoo?”
    Paddy says, “Oi did, but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.” 
    WAN

  • Making a baby

    Making a Baby….
    This is hilarious!

    There is not one dirty word in it, and it’s funny, and has a moral, have the right information!


    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’ 

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’ 

    ‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’ 

    ‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’ 

    ‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

    After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

    ‘Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

    ‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’ 

    ‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’ 

    ‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

    ‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

    ‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said. 

    ‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    ‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..’

    ‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

    ‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

    ‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    ‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’ 

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

    ‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..’

    ‘Tripod?’

    ‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
    Mrs. Smith fainted

    WAN

  • Money Talks

    Money Talks!

    During the wedding rehearsal, the groom 
    approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

    “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change 
    the wedding vows. When you get to the part 
    where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor 
    and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ 
    I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”

    He passed the minister a $100 bill and 
    walked away satisfied.

    On the day of the wedding, when it came time 
    for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the 
    young man in the eye and said: 

    “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before 
    her, obey her every command and wish, serve her 
    breakfast in bed every morning of your life, 
    and swear eternally before God and your lovely 
    wife that you will not ever even look at another 
    woman, as long as you both shall live?”

    The groom gulped and looked around, and said 
    in a tiny voice, 
    “Yes,” 
    then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: 

    “I thought we had a deal.”

    The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s 
    hand and whispered: 

    “She made me a better offer.”

    WAN

  • The Blonde Cowboy

    A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.   He arrests him for indecent exposure.

    As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you walking around like this?”

    The cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff; I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her.  So I did.

    We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt…. So I did.

    Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants….. So I did.

    Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts….. So I did.

    Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,

    “Now go to town cowboy”.

    And here I am.”

    Son of a Gun.   Blonde Men do exist!

     


    First time I have ever seen a Blonde Man Joke !

    WAN

  • GOOD OLD AUSSIES

    A bloke’s wife goes missing while they’re diving off the West Australian Coast.

    He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

    Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

    The Sarge says, “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.”

    “Well,” says the bloke, “I guess I’d better have the bad news first.”

    The Sarge says, “I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying in about 20 feet of water, in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”

    The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

    But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

     The Sarge says, “Well when we got her up, there were a few really good sized lobsters, and nice bunch of crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.”

    He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of big lobsters, and four or five crabs in it.

    “Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties mate. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that… So, what’s the other possible good news?”

    “Well,” the Sarge says, “If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around lunch time, and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again this afternoon.”

    WAN

  • If you are under 50 you won’t understands

    • My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.

     

    • Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting e. Coli

     

    • Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

     

    • We all took PE ……. and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

     

    • We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honor & respect those older than us.

     

    • We had 30+ kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter……., FUNNY THAT!!

     

    • We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

     

    • I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

     

    • I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations

    We weren’t!!

     

    • Oh yeah … and where was the antibiotics and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting?

    I could have been killed!

     

    • We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.

     

    • Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

     

    • To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

     

    • How could we possibly have known that?

     

    • We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.

     

    • We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac!

     

    How did we ever survive?

    LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA AND TO ALL WHO DIDN’T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED
    I WOULDN’T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!

    Remember that life’s most simple pleasures are very often the best

    WAN

  • Timeless Truths

    In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government.
      John Adams

    If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
       Mark Twain

    Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of government.   But then I repeat myself.
       Mark Twain

    I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
    Winston Churchill

    A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
    George Bernard Shaw

    Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
       Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

    Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage  boys.
    P.J.  O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

    Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
    Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

    I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
       Will Rogers

    If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
    P.J.  O’Rourke

    In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other
      Voltaire (1764)

    Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
       Pericles (430 B.C.)

    No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
    Mark Twain (1866)

    Talk is cheap…except when government does it.
    Anonymous

    The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
    Ronald Reagan

    The only difference between a taxman and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
    Mark Twain

    There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save government.
    Mark Twain

    What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
    Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

    A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have.
    Thomas Jefferson

    We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
    Aesop

    WAN