Author: csiadmin

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car.

Paddy: ‘Yes, sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA….

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,
NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, “THAT’S ONE SMALL STEP  FOR MAN,
ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,” WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK –
“GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.”

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN  EITHER THE  RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE – ‘GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY’ STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS  FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO “WHO WAS MR GORSKY”:

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING  BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR’S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK  UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,

“SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU’LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!”

It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG’S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

“It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost balls while they are still rolling.”
-Mark Twain 1909

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

HARK!!! A new blonde joke!!!

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’ The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?’ The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration…..
‘CRAP! THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT, TOO!

Have a good week !
 Time for your morning groan!

 

The Grim Reaper came for  me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum  cleaner. Talk about Dyson with  death

  A mate of mine recently  admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When  I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop  any time….

  

I went to the  cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a  grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave  diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours  later and they’re still walking about with it. I  thought to myself , they’ve lost the plot!! 

  

My daughter asked me for a pet  spider for her birthday, so I went to our local  pet shop and they were $70!!!   Blow  this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the  web.

  

I was at an ATM yesterday  when a little old lady asked if I could check  her balance , so I pushed her over.

   

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I  thought it was a good Korea move.

   

I was driving this morning when I saw an  RACQ van parked up. The driver was sobbing  uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I  thought to myself that guy’s heading for a  breakdown.

  

Statistically, 6 out  of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

 

My  neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this  morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?!   Luckily for him I was still up playing my  Bagpipes.

  

Paddy says “Mick , I’m  thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that”  says Mick “have you seen how many of their  owners go blind?”

  

Man calls 000  and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator  says how do you know?  He says “The sex is  the same but the ironing is building up!” 

    

I saw a poor old lady  fall over today on the ice!!  At least I  presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her  purse.

  

My girlfriend thinks that  I’m a stalker. Well , she’s not exactly my  girlfriend yet.

    

A  wife says to her husband you’re always pushing  me around and talking behind my back.  He  says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair. 

  

I was explaining to my wife last  night that when you die you get reincarnated but  must come back as a different creature.   She said I would like to come back as a cow. I  said you’re obviously not listening.

   

The wife has been missing a week now. Police  said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to  the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 

  

Two Muslims have crashed a  speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .  Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. 

   

Sat opposite an Indian lady  on the train today , she shut her eyes and  stopped breathing. I thought she was dead ,  until I saw the red spot on her forehead and  realised she was just on standby.

   

The wife was counting all the 5c’s and 10c’s  out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got  very angry and started shouting and crying for  no reason. I thought to myself , “She’s going  through the change.”

  

When I was  in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying  that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if  they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair  of sexists. I mean , it’s not as if she’d have  to reverse the bloody thing!

   

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle  nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse  in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker  could be following some kind of pattern. 

  

Bought some ‘rocket salad’  yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! 

  

A teddy bear is working on a  building site. He goes for a tea break and when  he returns he notices his pickhas been stolen.  The bear is angry and reports the theft to the  foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says  “Oh , I forgot to tell you , today’s the day the  teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

   

Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an  envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick  sod!”

  

Just got back from my  mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the  head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely  service.

     

19 paddies go to the  cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of  you?”

Mick replies , “The film said 18 or  over.”

  

An Asian fellow has moved  in next door. He has travelled the world , swum  with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the  highest mountain. It came as no surprise to  learn his name was Bindair  Dundat.

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !

Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven.  

When they get there, St. Peter says,

‘We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on aduck,

And although they try their best to avoidthem,

The first woman accidentally steps onone.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliestman she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day,

The second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn’t miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all thisand,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERYcareful where she steps.

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

then

One day St.Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

…. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together withoutsaying a word.

The happy woman says,

‘I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says,

‘I don’t know about you,

But I stepped on a
Duck.  

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The Parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s
attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said

“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

“May I ask what the turkey did ?”

Now on sale at IKEA – LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove…

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related…

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8….

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency…

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, ‘A meal for two with a terrible view’ isn’t the best way to announce number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says “I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”
Murphy asks “Ave yer got vertigo?”
Paddy replies “No I only live round the corner.”

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full!