Author: csiadmin
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I thought you*d like!
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1. You can’t count your hair.
2. You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
10 Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does
it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the
Idiot category.
Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It’s a Beautiful Morning
even when it’s not. -
Some Quickies…..
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.The baby sitter sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.The missus bought a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” “Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That’s a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”;A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex. -
One Night at the Bar
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!”
So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?”
And that’s the last thing I remember.
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New Species Discovered
They are referred to as “homo slackass-erectus” created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmatic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The “drag-crotch” shape also seems to effect brain function.Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. They receive food stamps and full government care. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.
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Aftershave
Tim Matheson, the First Bloke, and Tony Abbott somehow ended up at the same barber shop at the same time.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Tim in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Tim was quick to stop him jokingly saying, “No thanks, Julia will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel.”
The second barber turned to Abbott and said… “aftershave, Mr. Abbott?”
Abbott replied, “Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like”. -
The Harley ….. A Must Read
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. ‘Since you’ve
been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you canhang out with anyone you want to in heaven.’Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
“I want to hang out with God.’St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.God recognized Arthur and commented, ‘Okay,
so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle?Arthur said, ‘Yeah, that’s me…’
God commented:
‘Well, what’s the big deal in inventing
something that’s pretty unstable, makes
noise and pollution and can’t run withouta road?’Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but he
finally spoke, ‘Excuse me, but aren’t you the
inventor of woman?’
God said, ‘Ah, yes.’‘Well,’ said Arthur,
‘professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.1.
There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end
suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble
about too much
4.
The intake is placed way tooclose to the exhaust5. The maintenance costs are
outrageous!!!!
‘Hmmmmm,
you may have some good points there,’ replied
God, ‘hold on.’
God went to his Celestial supercomputer,typed in a few words and waited for the results.The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
‘Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,’ God
said to Arthur, ‘but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours’.. -
Black Bra Size 38
BLACK BRA size 38
This is tooooo funny not to share.
The Business Deal
A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.The Chinese guy buys 25 bras
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, “Please tell me – What do you do with all these black bras?”The Chinese guy answers: “I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each.”
…and this is why the Chinese own us!Business is Business!
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OLD – You know who you are!!!
Definition of “OLD”—YES, old!I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.She turned to me and asked, ‘Are you having it catered’?And that, my friend, is the sad definition of ‘OLD’!Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widowand asked, ‘How old was your husband?’’98,’ she replied: ‘Two years older than me’ .‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:‘And what do you think is the best thingabout being 104?’ the reporter asked.She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’I’ve sure gotten old!I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes,I’m half blind, I can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,I take 40 different medications thatmake me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation;I hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.I can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.I have lost all my friends. But, thank God,I still have my driver’s license …….An elderly woman decided to prepare her will andtold her preacher she had two final requests.First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.Know how to prevent sagging?Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.It’s scary when you start making the same noisesas your coffee maker.These days about half the stuffin my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’THE SENILITY PRAYER:Grant me the senility to forget the peopleI never liked anyway,the good fortune to run into the ones I do, andthe eyesight to tell the difference.Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6 people,maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friendsif you can remember who they are …….
