




ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 – CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, ‘Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down
under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I
grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan ‘s
Liniment will
Reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself
under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did
The Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when
She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear
Rubber could have prevented this Accident’… I just lost it.’
‘CASE DISMISSED!!’
This story happened a while ago inDublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale… it’s true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door… only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other…
Look Paddy… there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
It’s the tortoise life for me soon!
1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and still it is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise? I don’t think so. I’m retired. Go around me.
Some Senior Thoughts
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m hereafter.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. I’M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I’VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE…
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what’s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! ‘Where on earth did you get that?’ says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: ‘Here. Rub it.’
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. ‘I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!’
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, ‘I want a million bucks!’ A few moments later, a duck walks into
the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, ‘Y’know, I think
your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.’
‘Tell me about it!!’ says the man,
‘do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
US Economy….Brilliant !
Dr. Marc Faber, the investment guru, concluded his monthly bulletin with the following comments! :
Dr. Marc Faber tells it how it is
I’ve been doing my part…..”