Author: csiadmin

  • HOPE YOU DID SOMETHING LIKE THIS – PARTY AT THE SENIOR CENTRE LAST NIGHT

    LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE PARTY AT THE SENIOR

    CENTER LAST NIGHT

    Last night we went to a party at our local senior centre. The second Tuesday of every month they have an evening Potluck Supper. We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce, and drink a little wine and talk about the good old days…

    We heard Selma Martin’s grandson is staying with her for a few weeks. It’s rumored he got in a scrap over some marijuana with the law out in Vancouver and he came to YUMA to avoid the heat.


    Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for later.

    For some reason they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not a one left over.

    We later found out that Selma ‘s grandson, Butch, laced the brownies with some of his marijuana.

    Knowing this, I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Zeke put on the Bunny Hop record, everyone was in a real good mood and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced.

    That is until the cops came to check all the noise complaints.

    Well, that’s another story…………………

    YOU PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT IN AND….

    WELL YOU KNOW THE REST! ………….. …………………. 

    Life’s too Short….
    See what we get to look forward to

    …………..and you thought all we did was play Bingo !!!
  • First date You need 2 read this one!!

    WAN

    If you didn’t see this on the Tonight show, I hope you’re sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

    Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

    There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

    She said it was midwinter…Snowing and quite cold… and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

    It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

    They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

    They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

    Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

    Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date’s concerns about ‘what is taking so long’ with a reply that indeed, she was ‘freezing her butt off’ and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

    Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
    As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be ‘pants down ‘. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno ‘s comment…’ This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off. ‘

    Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

    If you laughed at this pass it on.

    Remember,
    If you haven’t got a smile on your face
    And laughter in your heart,
    Then you are just a sour old fart!

  • I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate,”That’ll  be us in ten years”.
    My friend said, “That’s a mirror stupid”
  • Medical Advice

    NOW THIS IS A REAL DOCTOR

    Medical Advice to Live By……

    Love this Chinese Doctor!

     
    Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
    Is this true?
    A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise.
    Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer;
    it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer?
    Take nap.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that
    mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that
    way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have
    two body, your ratio two to one.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can’t think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

    Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more

    vegetable be bad?

    Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing
    sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

    Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about

    food and diets.

    And remember:
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving

    safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
    sideways – chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly
    used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

    AND…..

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and

    health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer

    fewer heart attacks than Brits.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English isapparently what kills you.

  • I THINK WE MADE IT…..SO FAR!

    TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
    1930’s 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s !!

    First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

    They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
    Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
    We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
    As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
    Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
    We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
    We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
    We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……
    WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
    We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
    No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
    We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
    We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
    We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
    We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
    We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

    made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

    We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

    Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
    The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
    This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
    The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
    We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
    HOW TO

    DEAL WITH IT ALL!

    And YOU are one of them!

    CONGRATULATIONS!

    You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
    and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
    Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!
  • Wife texts husband

    WAN

    Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
    “Windows frozen.”
    Husband texts back:
    “Pour some lukewarm water over it.”
    Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
    “Computer completely screwed up now.”
  • The Importance of Walking as you get Older

    The Importance of walking

    Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    home at $4,000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking
    five miles a day when he was 60.
    Now he’s 97 years old
    and we have no idea where the hell he is.

    I like long walks,
    especially when they are taken
    by people who annoy me.

    The only reason I would take up walking
    is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

    I have to walk early in the morning,
    before my brain figures out what I’m doing…

    I joined a health club last year,
    spent about 250 bucks.
    Haven’t lost a pound.
    Apparently you have to go there!

    Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    I do have flabby thighs,
    but fortunately my stomach covers them.

    The advantage of exercising every day
    is so when you die, they’ll say,
    ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
    start with a small country.

    I know I got a lot of exercise
    the last few years,……
    just getting over the hill.

    We all get heavier as we get older,
    because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
    That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    AND

    Every time I start thinking too much
    about how I look,
    I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
    and by the time I leave,
    I look just fine.

    You could run this over to your friends
    But just e-mail it to them!
    It will save you the walk!

  • Miracle In The Alcohol Aisle

    Praise The Lord

    And a few more items of interest !!

  • Simple truths as you prepare for 2013

     

    WAN

    SIMPLE TRUTH 1
    Lovers help each other undress before sex.
    However after sex, they always dress on their own.

    Moral of the story:
    In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

    SIMPLE TRUTH 2`
    When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats”.
    But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.

    Moral of the story:
    Hard work is never appreciated.

    FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
    1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

    2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.

    3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.

    4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

    5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

    Bonus:

    Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex.
    A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman’s husband.