Wan's World

Author: csiadmin

  • Because I care!

    Because I Care

    WHEN I ASKED MYSELF

    WHO

    MIGHT

    NEED AN

    ANGEL TODAY,

    I THOUGHT OF YOU!!!

    They didn’t want her,
    so they sent her to me…
    I don’t want her so,
    I’m sending her to You!

    The rules are simple:
    You can send her l
    ANYWHERE…
    but you can’t send her BACK!!!

  • A seasonal email

    BLUEBIRD OF HAPPINESS

    BLUE BIRD OF  HAPPINESS,
    MY ARSE!
    Do I  look happy??
    It’s  Friggin’ Freezing.
    There’s  snow up my arse, all the food’s covered with 3 feet of this  white shit, and you want ME to sing?

    Piss  Off!!  Next  year, I’m flyin’ to Jamaica and smoking dope!!

  • Circumcision Disqualifies a Politician in Australia

    A man walks into the Australian Parliament office, says to the receptionist:
    “I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent M.P.”

    WANThe receptionist replied “Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.”

    He was filling the form OK until he came to the question – ”Are you
    circumcised?”

    So he asked the receptionist – “Is that question necessary?”

    She replied… “If you are circumcised you are not eligible”

    He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?

    She replied….”To become an Australian M.P. you have to be a complete prick

     

     

  • Beer runs…

    The underbelly of history … lot of stories like this are buried with the men who fulfilled their missions …

    In the lighter moments of WWII, the Spitfire was used in an unorthodox role: bringing beer kegs to the men in Normandy.  During the war, the Heneger and Constable breweries donated free beer to the troops. After D-Day, supplying the invasion troops in Normandy with vital supplies was already a challenge. Obviously, there was no room in the logistics chain for such luxuries as beer or other types of refreshments.  Some men, often called sourcers, were able to get wine or other niceties from the land or rather from the locals. RAF Spitfire pilots came up with an even better idea.

    The Spitfire Mk IX was an evolved version of the Spitfire, with pylons under the wings for bombs or tanks. It was discovered that the bomb pylons could also be modified to carry beer kegs.  According to pictures that can be found, various sizes of kegs were used. Whether the kegs could bejettisoned in case of emergency is unknown. If the Spitfire flew high enough, the cold air at altitude would even refresh the beer, making it ready for consumption upon arrival.

    A variation was a long range fuel tank modified to carry beer instead of fuel. The modification even received the official designation Mod. XXX. Propaganda services were quick to pick up on this, which probably explains the official designation.

    A staged shot of the Mod. XXX tank being filled.

    As a result, Spitfires equipped with Mod XXX or keg-carrying pylons were often sent back to Great Britain for maintenance or liaison duties. They would then return to Normandy with full beer kegs fitted under the wings.

    The Spitfire had very little ground clearance with the larger beer kegs.

    Typically, the British Revenue of Ministry and Excise stepped in, notifying the brewery that they were in violation of the law by exporting beer without paying the relevant taxes. It seems that Mod. XXX was terminated then, but various squadrons found different ways to refurbish their stocks, most often done with the unofficial approval of higher echelons.

    In his book Dancing in the Skies, Tony Jonsson, the only Icelancer pilot in the RAF, recalled beer runs while he was flying with 65 Squadron. Every week a pilot was sent back to the UK to fill some cleaned-up drop tanks with beer and return to the squadron. Jonsson hated the beer runs as every man on the squadron would be watching you upon arrival. Anyone who made a rough landing and dropped the tanks would be the most hated man on the squadron for an entire week.

  • Things you can only say at Christmas

    THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS     

    1:     I prefer breasts to legs.
    2:     Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
    3:     Smother the butter all over the breasts.  
    4:     If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!  
    5:     I’ve never seen a better spread!  
    6:     I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
    7:     Are you ready for seconds yet?  
    8: It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?  
    9:     Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!  
    10:     Don’t play with your meat!  
    11:     Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.  
    12:     Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
    13:     I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!  
    14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
    15:     How long will it take after you put it in?  
    16:     You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.  
    17:     Just pull the end and wait for the bang.  
    18:     That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!  
    19:     I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning.  
    20:     Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more

  • Beer & Colonoscopy

    It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a

    colonoscopy

    I went into his office for my first rectal exam.

    His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.

    She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

    After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.

    While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

    A Tube of K-Y jelly,

    A rubber glove

    And a beer

    When Dr. Putz finally came in I said,

    “Look Doc”, I’m a little confused

    This is my first exam.

    I know what the

    K-Y

    is for,

    And I know what the

    glove is for,

    But can you tell me what the

    BEER is for?”

    At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

    He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse, “Damn it, Evelyn !!!

    I said a

    BUTT LIGHT 

    Live Well,

    Love Much,

    Laugh Often!

  • Early Christmas Humor

  • Xmas Workout

    My Christmas workout plan

  • One fascinating lady==you’ll be surprised

    It all started with a skin flick.

    In 1933, a beautiful, young Austrian woman took off her clothes for a movie director. She ran through the woods, naked. She swam in a lake, naked. Pushing well beyond the social norms of the period, the movie also featured a simulated orgasm. To make the scene “vivid,” the director reportedly stabbed the actress with a sharp pin just off-screen.

    The most popular movie in 1933 was King Kong. But everyone in Hollywood was talking about that scandalous movie with the gorgeous, young Austrian woman.

    Louis B. Mayer, of the giant studio MGM, said she was the most beautiful woman in the world. The film was banned practically everywhere, which of course made it even more popular and valuable. Mussolini reportedly refused to sell his copy at any price.

    The star of the film, called ‘Ecstasy’, was Hedwig Kiesler. She said the secret of her beauty was “to stand there and look stupid.” In reality, Kiesler was anything but stupid. She was a genius. She’d grown up as the only child of a prominent Jewish banker. She was a math prodigy. She excelled at science. As she grew older, she became ruthless, using all the power her body and mind gave her.

    Between the sexual roles she played, her tremendous beauty, and the power of her intellect, Kiesler would confound the men in her life, including her six husbands, two of the most ruthless dictators of the 20th century, and one of the greatest movie producers in history.

    Her beauty made her rich for a time. She is said to have made – and spent – $30 million in her life. But her greatest accomplishment resulted from her intellect, and her invention continues to shape the world we live in today.

    You see, this young Austrian starlet would take one of the most valuable technologies ever developed right from under Hitler’s nose. After fleeing to America, she not only became a major Hollywood star, her name sits on one of the most important patents ever granted by the U.S. Patent Office.

    Today, when you use your cell phone or, over the next few years, as you experience super-fast wireless Internet access (via something called “long-term evolution” or “LTE” technology), you’ll be using an extension of the technology a 20- year-old actress first conceived while sitting at dinner with Hitler.

    At the time she made Ecstasy, Kiesler was married to one of the richest men in Austria. Friedrich Mandl was Austria’s leading arms maker. His firm would become a key supplier to the Nazis.

    Mandl used his beautiful young wife as a showpiece at important business dinners with representatives of the Austrian, Italian, and German fascist forces. One of Mandl’s favorite topics at these gatherings – which included meals with Hitler and Mussolini – was the technology surrounding radio-controlled missiles and torpedoes. Wireless weapons offered far greater ranges than the wire-controlled alternatives that prevailed at the time.
    Kiesler sat through these dinners “looking stupid,” while absorbing everything she heard.
    As a Jew, Kiesler hated the Nazis. She abhorred her husband’s business ambitions. Mandl responded to his wilful wife by imprisoning her in his castle, Schloss Schwarzenau. In 1937, she managed to escape. She drugged her maid, snuck out of the castle wearing the maid’s clothes, and sold her jewelry to finance a trip to London.

    (She got out just in time. In 1938, Germany annexed Austria . The Nazis seized Mandl’s factory. He was half Jewish. Mandl fled to Brazil. Later, he became an adviser to Argentina ‘s iconic populist president, Juan Peron.)

    In London, Kiesler arranged a meeting with Louis B. Mayer. She signed a long-term contract with him, becoming one of MGM’s biggest stars. She appeared in more than 20 films. She was a co-star to Clark Gable, Judy Garland, and even Bob Hope. Each of her first seven MGM movies was a blockbuster.

    But Kiesler cared far more about fighting the Nazis than about making movies. At the height of her fame, in 1942, she developed a new kind of communications system, optimized for sending coded messages that couldn’t be “jammed.” She was building a system that would allow torpedoes and guided bombs to always reach their targets. She was building a system to kill Nazis.

    By the 1940s, both the Nazis and the Allied forces were using the kind of single- frequency radio-controlled technology Kiesler’s ex-husband had been peddling. The drawback of this technology was that the enemy could find the appropriate frequency and “jam” or intercept the signal, thereby interfering with the missile’s intended path.

    Kiesler’s key innovation was to “change the channel.” It was a way of encoding a message across a broad area of the wireless spectrum. If one part of the spectrum was jammed, the message would still get through on one of the other frequencies being used. The problem was, she could not figure out how to synchronize the frequency changes on both the receiver and the transmitter. To solve the problem, she turned to perhaps the world’s first techno-musician, George Anthiel.

    Anthiel was an acquaintance of Kiesler who achieved some notoriety for creating intricate musical compositions. He synchronized his melodies across twelve player pianos, producing stereophonic sounds no one had ever heard before. Kiesler incorporated Anthiel’s technology for synchronizing his player pianos. Then, she was able to synchronize the frequency changes between a weapon’s receiver and its transmitter.
    On August 11, 1942, U.S. Patent No. 2,292,387 was granted to Antheil and “Hedy Kiesler Markey,” which was Kiesler’s married name at the time.

    Most of you won’t recognize the name Kiesler. And no one would remember the name Hedy Markey. But it’s a fair bet than anyone reading this newsletter of a certain age will remember one of the great beauties of Hollywood’s golden age ~Hedy Lamarr. That’s the name Louis B. Mayer gave to his prize actress. That’s the name his movie company made famous.

    Meanwhile, almost no one knows Hedwig Kiesler – aka Hedy Lamarr – was one of the great pioneers of wireless communications. Her technology was developed by the U.S. Navy, which has used it ever since.
    You’re probably using Lamarr’s technology, too. Her patent sits at the foundation of “spread spectrum technology,” which you use every day when you log on to a wi-fi network or make calls with your Bluetooth-enabled phone. It lies at the heart of the massive investments being made right now in so-called fourth-generation “LTE” wireless technology. This next generation of cell phones and cell towers will provide tremendous increases to wireless network speed and quality, by spreading wireless signals across the entire available spectrum. This kind of encoding is only possible using the kind of frequency switching that Hedwig Kiesler invented.

  • Hillbilly Vasectomy

    WAN

    After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decides that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

    So the  husband goes to his veterinarian and tells that he and his cousin just don’t want to have any  more children.

    The  doctor suggests that there’s a procedure called a vasectomy that could  fix the problem, but that it was expensive..

    “A less costly alternative,” says  the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

    The  Alabamian says to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how  putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

    “Trust  me,” replies the doctor.

    So the man goes home, lights a cherry bomb and puts it in a beer can and holds the can up to his ear and begins to count to 10!

    ‘1’

    ‘2’

    ‘3’

    ‘4’

    ‘5’

    (you’ll love this…)

    At which point he pauses and places the beer can between his legs so that he can continue counting on his other hand.

    This  vasectomy procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West Virginia and ALL of  Washington, DC.