Author: csiadmin

  • SANTA AND SARAH a must read

    WAN

    Remember the reason for the season!

    Grab a Kleenex and enjoy, hope and faith are successful ingredients in life to achieve health and love in the form of a miracle.

    SANTA AND SARAH a must read A very touching message !!!

    SANTA AND SARAH
    Three years ago, a little boy and his grandmother came to see Santa at the McAllister Mall in Saint John . The child climbed up on hislap, holding a picture of alittle girl.
    Who is this?” asked Santa, smiling. “Your friend?
    “Yes, Santa,’ he replied. “My sister, Sarah, who is very sick,” he said sadly.
    Santa glanced over at the grandmother who was waiting nearby, and saw her dabbing her eyes with a tissue. “She wanted to come with me to see you, oh, so very much, Santa!” the child exclaimed. “She misses you,”he added softly.
    Santa tried to be cheerful and encouraged a smile to the boy’s face, asking him what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas.
    When they finished their visit, the Grandmother came over to help the child off his lap, and started to say something to Santa, but halted.
    “What is it?” Santa asked warmly.
    “Well, I know it’s really too much to ask you, Santa, but..” the old woman began, shooing her grandson over to one of Santa’s elves to collect the little gift which Santa gave all his young visitors.
    “The girl in the photograph…my granddaughter well, you see … she has leukemia and isn’t expected to make it even through the holidays,” she said through tear-filled eyes. “Is there any way, Santa, any possible way that you could come see Sarah? That’s all she’s asked for, for Christmas, is to see Santa.”
    Santa blinked and swallowed hard and told the woman to leave information with his elves as to where Sarah was, and he would see what he could do. Santa thought of little else the rest of that afternoon. He knew what he had to do. “What if it were MY child lying in that hospital bed, dying,” he thought with a sinking heart, “This is the least I can do.”
    When Santa finished visiting with all the boys and girls that evening, he retrieved from his helper the name of the hospital where Sarah was staying. He asked the assistant location manager how to get to the Hospital.
    “Why?” Rick asked, with a puzzled look on his face.
    Santa relayed to him the conversation with Sarah’s grandmother earlier that day.
    “C’ mon …..I’ll take you there.” Rick said softly. Rick drove them to the hospital and came inside with Santa.
    They found out which room Sarah was in. A pale Rick said, he would wait out in the hall.
    Santa quietly peeked into the room through the half-closed door and saw little Sarah in the bed.
    The room was full of what appeared to be her family; there was the Grandmother and the girl’s brother he had met earlier that day. A woman whom he guessed was Sarah’s mother stood by the bed, gently pushing Sarah’s thin hair off her forehead. And another woman who he discovered later was Sarah’s aunt, sat in a chair near the bed with a weary sad look on her face. They were talking quietly, and Santa could sense the warmth and closeness of the family, and their love and concern for Sarah.
    Taking a deep breath, and forcing a smile on his face, Santa entered the room, bellowing a hearty, “Ho, Ho, Ho!”
    “Santa!” shrieked little Sarah, weakly as she tried to escape her bed to run to him IV tubes intact.
    Santa rushed to her side and gave her a warm hug.
    A child the tender age of his own son — 9 years old — gazed upat him with wonder and excitement. Her skin was pale and her short tresses bore telltale bald patches from the effects of chemotherapy. But, all he saw when he looked at her was a pair of, huge blue eyes. His heart melted, and he had to force himself to choke back tears. Though his eyes were riveted upon Sarah’s face, he could hear the gasps and quiet sobbing of the women inthe room.
    As he and Sarah began talking, the family crept quietly to the bedside one by one, squeezing Santa’s shoulder or his hand gratefully, whispering “Thank you” as they gazed sincerely at him with shining eyes. Santa and Sarah talked and talked, and she told him excitedly all the toys she wanted for Christmas, assuring him she’d been a very good girl that year.
    As their time together dwindled, Santa felt led in his spirit to pray for Sarah, and asked for permission from the girl’s mother. She nodded in agreement and the entire family circled around Sarah’s bed, holding hands. Santa looked intensely at Sarah and asked her if she believed in angels.
    “Oh, yes, Santa… I do!” she exclaimed.
    “Well, I’m going to ask angels watch over you.” he said. Laying one hand on the child’s head, Santa closed his eyes and prayed. He asked that, God touch little Sarah, and heal her body from this disease. He asked that angels minister to her, watch and keep her. And when he finished praying, still with eyes closed, he started singing, softly, “Silent Night, Holy Night….all is calm, all is bright.” The family joined in, still holding hands, smiling at Sarah, and crying tearsof hope, tears of joy for this moment, as Sarah beamed at them all.
    When the song ended, Santa sat on the side of the bed again and held Sarah’s frail, small hands in his own. “Now, Sarah,” he said authoritatively, “you have a job to do, and that is to concentrate on getting well. I want you to have fun playing with your friends this summer, and I expect to see you at my house at McAllister Mall this time next year!”
    He knew it was risky proclaiming that to this little girl who had terminal cancer, but he “had” to. He had to give her the greatest gift he could — not dolls or games or toys — but the gift of HOPE.
    “Yes, Santa!” Sarah exclaimed, her eyes bright.
    He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead and left the room.
    Out in the hall, the minute Santa’seyes met Rick’s, a look passed between them and they wept unashamed.
    Sarah’s mother and grandmotherslipped out of the room quickly and rushed to Santa’s side to thank him.
    “My only child is the same age as Sarah,” he explained quietly. “This is the least I could do.” They nodded with understanding andhugged him.
    One year later, Santa was again back onthe set in Saint John for his six-week, seasonal job which he so loves to do. Several weeks went by and thenone day a child came up to sit on his lap.
    “Hi, Santa! Remember me?!”
    “Of course, I do,” Santa proclaimed (as he always does), smiling down at her. After all, the secret to being a “good” Santa is to always make each child feel as if they are the “only” child in the world at that moment.
    “You came to see me in the hospital last year!”
    Santa’s jaw dropped. Tears immediately sprang in his eyes, andhe grabbed this little miracle and held her to his chest. “Sarah!” he exclaimed. Hescarcely recognized her, for her hair was long and silky and her cheeks were rosy — much different from the little girl he had visited just a year before. He looked over and saw Sarah’s mother and grandmother in thesidelines smiling and waving and wiping their eyes.
    That was the best Christmas ever for Santa Claus.
    He had witnessed –and been blessed to be instrumental in bringing about — this miracle of hope. Thisprecious little child was healed. Cancer-free. Alive and well. He silently looked up to Heaven and humblywhispered, “Thank you, Father. ‘Tis a very, Merry Christmas!
    If you believe in miracles youwill pass this on…I did!

  • An Aussie Xmas Tale..

    Night Before Christmas in Aussie land

    ‘Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn’t a sound.

    Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.
    We’d left on the table some tucker and beer,

    Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here;

    We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,

    While dreams of pavlova danced ’round in our heads;
    And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,

    Had just settled down to watch TV sports.

    When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;

    Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.

    We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,

    Snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.

    Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,

    But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty kangaroos.

    The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,

    And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.

    Now, I’m telling the truth it’s all dinki-di,

    Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.
    Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,

    And encouraged the ‘roos, by calling their names.

    ‘Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!

    On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!

    Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,

    I’ll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!’

    So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,

    With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.

    He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,

    Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.

    He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.

    A jolly old joker was how he appeared.

    He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,

    And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.

    His eyes – bright as opals – Oh! How they twinkled!

    And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!

    His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly

    Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.

    A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,

    And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.

    He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,

    To position our goodies beneath the Yule tree.

    Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two.

    And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.

    A mysterious package he left for our Mum,

    Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;

    He strolled out on deck and his ‘roos came on cue;

    Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.

    He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates-

    MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and goodonya, MATES!’

  • THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

    WANAn Irish daughter had not been home for several years.

    Upon her return, her father cussed her “Where have ye been all this time?
    Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line.
    Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”.

    The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff….”Dad. …
    I became a prostitute…”

    “Ye what!!?
    Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
    Sinner!
    You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are.”

    “OK, Daddy– as ye wish.
    I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat and title deed to a ten room mansion   …

    For me little brother Seamus this gold Rolex.

    And for ye Daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club

    ……… ……………… (takes a breath)….. …….. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my  yacht in the  Caribbean and… .”

    “Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.

    Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff….
    “A prostitute Daddy!” Sniff, sniff.

    “Oh! Be Jesus!
    Ye scared me half to death girl!
    I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.
    Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug.”

  • A Fairy Tale

    WAN

    Once upon a time there’s this yellow toad wandering around in the forest ticked off because he doesn’t want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He’d sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway, this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.

    “Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads, ” he begs her. “I’m ticked off being so visible to predators.   The stress is like, killing me, you know?” 

    “Okay” says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: “Abracapokus! You’re brown!”

    The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except, for his weenie, which was still yellow. 
     
    “Hang on lady,” he says to the fairy godmother, “My pecker’s stillyellow!”

    “Yeah, well I don’t do weenies,” she says,  “You’ll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that.”

    So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

    There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it’s a coincidence, but it’s true, trust me). 
     
    “Fairy Godmother! You’re just the person I need!” says the purple bear, “I can’t pull any bearesses ‘coss they don’t want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off.” 


    Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand.
     “Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here” she says. and with that, she yells: “Pokuscadabra! You’re brown!”

    The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple. 
     
    “Hold up sweetheart!”, he says to the fairy Godmother, “My gooliesare still purple!”

     
    “Yeah, well I don’t do those goolie things,” she replies, “You’ll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that.” 
    “Well that’s just dandy,” the bear replies, “How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?” 
    “Easy,” says the fairy godmother as she flew off, “Just follow the yellow-prick toad!” J
  • Another Ole!

    WAN

    A doctor in WI wanted to get off work and go hunting so he told his assistant, “Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of the patients.”
      “Ya,, for sure.” answers Ole.
    The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks;, “Ole, how was your day?”
      Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients. The first one had a headache so he gave him a Tylenol. The second one had stomach burning so he gave him Maalax. The doctor was very impressed. “Bravo, Ole. you’re good at this. What did you do about the third one?”
       “Vel, Dr.. I vas sittin here und suddenly da door opens and a voman enters like a flame! She undresses herself, taking off her bra and panties and lies down on da table and shouts; Help me! For 5 years i have not seen any men!”
       “And what did you do, Ole?” asks the doctor.
       “I put eye drops in her eyes!” Ole answers.
  • ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA?

    Sent this to all even if your young enjoy
                                     ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING??
      ONE

    Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

    I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

    ‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.

    ‘You don’t?’ I replied.

    ‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.

    ‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’

    ‘That’s right.’

    So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

    (Unbelievable but sadly true…)

    (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
    And she said they didn’t have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

    TWO

    I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they
    Keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.

    After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
    ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

    Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’

    I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’

    She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.

    She had no clue to what had just happened.

    ( But the lady behind me had a big smerk on her face as I left)

    THREE

    A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

    When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
    (Keep shuddering!!)

    FOUR

    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.  She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the  battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) wouldhave a battery to fit this?’

    ‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.

    ‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered,
    Handing it and the car keys to me. As I
    Took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
    Replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and
    Check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’

    PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

    FIVE

    Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.

    Brunette, by the way!!

    SIX

    A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’

    Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency right now!’

    Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!

    Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too.
    Don’t laugh….it is all true…

    Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

    01.   Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

    02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

    03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

    04. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

    05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

    06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

    07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

    08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

    09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

    10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

    11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

    12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

    13. You sing along with elevator music.

    14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

    15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

    16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

    17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

    18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

    19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

    20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

    Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

    Never, under any circumstances,
    take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

  • The new alphabet

    New Alphabet :
    A
     is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won’t float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let’s be a bit more realistic instead. 

    Now The NEW Alphabet: 

    A’s for arthritis; B’s the bad back, C’s the chest pains,perhaps car-di-ac? 

     

    is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line! F is for farting and fluid retention, G is for gut droop, which I’d rather not mention. 

    H high blood pressure–I’d rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,K is for knees that crack when they bend. L ‘s for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next.. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don’t grow! 

    P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new! Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. 

    is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow;V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.. 

    W for worry, now what’s going ’round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Yfor another year I’m left here behind,Z is for zest I still have– in my mind! 


    I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,And I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
     

     

     

    HAVE A GREAT DAY !

    Have a wonderful Day

     

  • MARRIAGE PART I, II, III, V

    WAN

    Marriage (Part I )
    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    ‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
    I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
    I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
    I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
    I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
    When I want with my old buddies, and don’t you
    Give me a hard time about it.
    Those are my rules. Any comments?’

    His new bride said:
    ‘No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.’

    (DARN SHE’S GOOD!)

    ************************************************

    Marriage (Part II)

    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
    The husband yells, ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!’

    ‘Yeah?’ she replies. ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!’

    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)

    *****************************************

    Marriage (Part III)

    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

    Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no
    Good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

    After some time he realizes he was nasty and
    Decides to make amends and rings her up.

    She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

    She says, ‘I was in bed.’

    ‘In bed this early, doing what?’

    ‘Getting a second opinion!’

    (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

    *****************************************

    Marriage (Part IV)

    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

    He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
    Wife,’ Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections.

    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home, Mother of Six?’

    His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion,
    Shouts right back, ‘Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.’

    (RIGHT ON, LADY!)

    *****************************************

    THE SILENT TREATMENT

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

    Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
    Was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight..

    Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    ***************************
    GOD may have created man before woman, but there 
    Is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

    ***************************

  • Amazing Amish Christmas Lights

    Amazing Amish Christmas Lights

    I know it’s not the season yet, but these are amazing!

    Scroll down to see the Amish Christmas lights.

     

    You know very well that the Amish don’t use electricity.

    Messing with old people is so easy!

     

    Hey, don’t kill the messenger!!

  • Quickie in the bushes

    WAN

    There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
    The angel tells them, ‘As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.’

    He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

    The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

    The angel tells them, ‘Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?’

    He asks her ‘Shall we?’

    She eagerly replies, ‘Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions.

    This time, I ‘ll hold the pigeon down and you sh!t on its head.’


    —————-AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????