Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • The Black Bra..

    The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

    One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

    We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.  We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

    Here’s how it all went…………

     Engaged friend:
    The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

    The mistress:
    Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.  When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

    Then I had to share my story:
    When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,  stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me  he said:
    The Black Bra

     

    “What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

  • The Doorbell

    A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. 

    “Looking for a man with three qualifications: 
    won’t beat me up, 
    won’t run away from me, 
    and is great in bed.” 

    Two days later her doorbell rings. 

    “Hi, I’m Tim. 
    I have no arms so I won’t beat you, 
    and no legs so I won’t run away.” 

    “What makes you think you are great in bed?” 
    the woman retorts. 

    Tim replies, 
    “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?” 

    WAN

  • American Football

    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first 
    football game. 
    They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. 
    After the game, he asked her how she liked the 
    experience. 
    “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, 
    “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, 
    but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing 
    each other over 25 cents.” 

    Dumbfounded, her date asked, 
    “What do you mean?” 

    She replied,
    “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, 
    and then for the rest of the game, all they kept 
    screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! 
    Get the quarterback!’ 
    I’m like, hello? 

    It’s only 25 cents!” 

    WAN

  • The clever old man

    20130909_The clever old man

  • Funny Stuff, Enjoy!

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  • MOVING TO DETROIT

    MOVING TO DETROIT

    Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit,
    when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

    “What’s the matter?” Bob asked.

    “I’ve been transferred to Detroit – I’ve heard the people are crazy there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots,
    drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”

    Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Detroit all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
    business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world    , even Chicago, NYC, Miami, LA,  !!”

    The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK,
    I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

    “I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”

    20130903_MOVING TO DETROIT

  • Irish Pubs

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  • 50 SHEDS of Grey …

    A MALE INTERPRETATION OF THE BOOK WRITTEN FOR FEMALES. 


    The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.


    Now , Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.


    The book’s author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.

    Here are dextracts…


    Fifty     “Sheds“ Of Grey

    We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.

    But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

    ————————————————————————————

    She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
    “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
    So I took her to Bunning’s.
    —————————————————————————————

    She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder

    until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

    ——————————————————————————————

    Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains

    and shackles.  She still manages to get into the shed, though.
    ———————————————————————————————

    “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
    “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
    “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
    ———————————————————————————————-
    “I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
    So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

    —————————————————————————————–

    “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
    “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
    ————————————————————————————————

    I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my

    concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
    ———————————————————————————————–

    “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
    “I think so,” I gulped.

    “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
    —————————————————————————————————

    “Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
    “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
    —————————————————————————————————

    “Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able

    to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.

    “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.
    —————————————————————————————————

    “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
    “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
    —————————–—————————————————————————————————————————————————

    WAN

  • Too good NOT to forward

     

    20130829_Too good NOT to forward_001

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
    Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

    Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kemo Sabe, look
    Towards sky, what you see?

    20130829_Too good NOT to forward_002

    ‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

    What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 

    ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

    Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. 

    Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning.

    Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. 

    Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

     

    What’s it tell you, Tonto?’

    “    You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.”

  • Mandarin English

    Use of Beijing English –
    Chinese hotel brochure !
     A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.  She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.  Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word, from Mandarin to English ……….
     Getting There:   Our representative will make you wait at the airport.  The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore.  Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.  You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend.  The manager will await you in the entrance hall.  He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
    The hotel:
    This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome.  We of course are always pleased to accept adultery.  Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children.  Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others.  But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar.  We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

    The Restaurant:
    Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting.  At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

    Your Room:
    Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat.  Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity!   You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

    Bed
    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition.   If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid.   Please take advantage of her.  She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear.   If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
    Above all:  When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope.  You will struggle to forget it.WAN