Category: Wan’s Humour

Two couples are playing cards.
John accidentally drops some cards on the floor.
When he bends down under the table to pick them up,
he notices that Bill’s wife isn’t wearing any underwear.

“Good,” Bill says.
“John came by the office this morning and borrowed
$100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house
on his way home and pay me back.”

Two elderly  women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she  said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in  your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in  my ear?’   She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she  said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I  know where to find my hearing  aid.’

When the  husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice  in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of  the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know  very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.’  Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of  course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it  would be better for posterity to remember him as a great  lover rather than the big shit he always  was.’

An elderly  couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They  were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,  when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.  They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the  captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise  that he would notify him as soon as they found  something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man  got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform  you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.  We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt  was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000.  Please advise.’ The old man faxed back: ‘Send me the  pearl and re-bait the  trap.’

A funeral  service is being held for a woman who has just passed  away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are  carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into  a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan.  They open the casket and find that the woman is actually  alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies..  Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it,  the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As  they carry the casket towards the door, the husband  cries out, ‘Watch that  wall!’

When I  went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a  park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him  what was wrong. He said, ‘I have a beautiful 22 year old  wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and  then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit  and freshly ground coffee.’
I said, ‘Well, then why  are you crying?’ He said, ‘She makes me homemade soup  for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love  to me for half the afternoon.
I said, ‘Well, why are  you crying?’ He said, ‘For dinner she makes me a gourmet  meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes  love to me until 2:00 a..m.’ I said, ‘Well, why in the  world would you be crying?’ He said, ‘I can’t remember  where I  live!’

Two  elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.. Over  the years they had shared all kinds of activities and  adventures.. Lately, their activities had been limited  to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One  day they were playing cards when one looked at the other  and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been  friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of  your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t  remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’ Her  friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she  just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said,  ‘How soon do you need to  know?’

THE  SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the  senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and  the eyesight to tell the  difference.

Now,  I think you’re supposed to send this
to 5 or 6,  maybe 10.
Oh well, send it to a bunch of your  friends if you can remember who they are. Then  something is supposed to happen . . . I  think

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink. He replied in disgust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!” Paddy handed his drink back and said “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”

—– ——– oOo ——— —
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.The operator asks “How many people are flying with you?” Paddy replies “I don’t know! It’s your f***ing plane!”

——- ——–oOo- ——— ——-
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off,
I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
“I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!” Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home” So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman.
“I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.

——- ——–oOo- ———
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says “I wonder how the girls are getting on”

——- ——–oOo- ————

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
“You know what I want, don’t you?” “Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole feckin’ bed by the looks of it!”

—— ——–oOo- ———
Q. What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

——–oOo- ——— —
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

— ——–oOo- ———
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Swansea beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said “I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!”

—- ——–oOo- ———
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours’ dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says “To hell with this!” and storms off.. He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks “What did you do?” Paddy replies “I’ve put the dog in our garden. Let’s see how they like it!”

————oOo- ———
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. “Be Jeysus!” he said, “I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!”

——–oOo- ———
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says “Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!” Paddy says “What’s his name?” Mick replies “Miles, from  London !”

Now have a good day and get back to work!          Õ¿Õ

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! 

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU’LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. 

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. 
 


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 

7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 


8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS 

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 


12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 

18.  ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 

24.  ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

***

One morning, the members of a farm family were coming
to the kitchen for breakfast.
Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him he
was not going to get anything to eat until he went to
the barn and fed the animals.

“Are you gonna tell him or should I?”