Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • Father!

    FATHER  (This One Is Priceless!)   Amen!!!
    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
    The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father..’
    The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’
    The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’
    The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’
    The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.
    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
    “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar..”
    WAN
  • Big end problem?

    WANA Ducati bike rider walked into a chemist shop in Brisbane, Qld and asked

    > to talk to a male pharmacist.
    >
    > The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that
    > as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
    > She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something
    > that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
    >
    > The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional,
    > and
    > whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
    > would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
    >
    > The biker then agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to
    > discuss,
    > but I have a ……permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and
    > severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
    > The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.”
    >
    > When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length, and the absolute
    > best we can do is:
    > 1/3 ownership in the shop ….
    > A company car…
    > Five home cooked dinners a week ..
    > And $ 3,000 a month in living expenses.”

  • Dear Dorothy Dix

    WAN

    Dear Dorothy Dix,
    My partner has a long record of money problems.  She runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, she shouts at me, saying I am stealing her money. She says pay the minimum and let the next lot worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also, she has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbours that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom she has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, she has gotten religious, even though she denies it. One week she hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next she’s with Muslims.  Finally, the last straw:  She’s demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with her, they must sign a loyalty oath. It’s just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
    Signed, Lost.

    —————————

    Dear Lost,
    Stop whining Tim,  You’re getting to live in The Lodge for free, travel the  world, and have others pay for everything for you.  You can leave her any time you want. The  rest of us are stuck with her until September 14, 2013!
    Signed, Dorothy Dix.

  • Adultery

    WAN

    Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest
    that he has committed adultery.

    “Oh, no,”
    said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous
    women in town.
    “Was it with Marie Brown who is always in the dog&duck?”

    “I’d rather not say who it was.”

    “Was it with Betty Smith who plays bingo every friday night?”

    “I’d rather not say,” says Joe.
    So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves.

    While leaving the church, Joe’s friend asks if he
    received absolution.

    “Yes” says Joe,….
    And two red hot good leads!”

  • Short stories

    Warning: This message may contain course languagenudity and/or violence  

    that may not be suitable for all Email recipients. Your discretion is advised.

     

    SCOTTISH WEDDING  

    At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled…

    “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

    The bartender was almost crushed to death.

     

    SEX

    Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..   A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

     

     

    New Book

    A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?”

    She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”

    “That’s the one; I’ll take a copy…”

     

     

    Poor Lance Armstrong –

    I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
    When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my frig’n bike. 

     

     

     

    Drive By

    A guy broke into my apartment last week.  He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.

    Sick Bastard!!

     

     

    The Agony of Aging
    On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
    I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.
     

     

     

    SCAM

    Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favourite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s about golf.
    Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

    Best Regards,
    Charlie Sheen
     

     

     

    So True

    Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.  

    The Moral of the story:

    In life, no one helps you once you’ve been f@#ked.

     

     

     Pregnant Prostitute

    Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?”
    “For f…. sakes ,
       if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one  

     made you fart?”

     

    Sex Research (could be handy)

    If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome,  

     now I understand why they call you handsome!

     

     

     EASYJET

    Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
    The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?” 

    Paddy replies “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane. “

    WAN

  • Romantic Wife

    Romantic Wife:
    A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

    “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

    If you are laughing, send me your smile.

    If you are eating, send me a bite.

    If you are drinking send me a sip.

    If you are crying, send me your tears.

    I love you!

    The husband, typically nonromantic, replied,

    “I am on the toilet.  Please advise.”

    WAN
  • The Drunk

    WAN

    Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk
    comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the
    guy in the middle, shouting,
    “Your mom’s the best s*x in town!”

    Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores
    him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to
    the bar at the far end.

    Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,
    points at the same guy, and says,
    “I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!”

    Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the
    drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

    Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,
    “Your mom liked it!”

    Finally the guy interrupts.

    “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk!”

  • The blonde and God

    The Blonde & God A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

     

    She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

     

    After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.  Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

     

    Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.  Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

     

    The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice.  She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

     

    The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

     

    She stopped, looked skyward!  and said, “IS THAT YOU GOD?”

     

    The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!”

    WAN

  • Rules for Kicking Arse

    Rules for Kicking’ Arse:

    Rules for the Non-Military
    Make sure you read #10

    Dear Civilians,

    We know that the current state of affairs in our great country has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military…

    For those of you who can’t join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

    1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem- kick their arse.

    2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the Australian Flag in protest – kick their arse.

    3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make Australia great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their arse.

    4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing dress uniforms  or Jungle Fatigues (DPCUs), telling others that you used to be ‘SAS’. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your arse kicked.

    5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, ‘Do you fly a jet?’ Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an arse-kicking (children are exempt).

    6. Next time the Australian Flag passes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her. This includes arrogant politicians who think someone may be offended. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her – of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe arse-kicking.

    7. ‘Flyboy’ (*Air Force*),’Grunt’ (*Army*), ‘Squid’ (*Navy*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your arse kicked.

    8. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its arse kicked.

    9. It’s the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.
    It’s the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.
    It’s the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.
    It’s the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

    AND

    10. ONE LAST THING:
    If you got this email and didn’t pass it on – guess what – you deserve to get your arse kicked!

    I sent this to you, Not because I didn’t want to get my arse kicked BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME AND I KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE OFFENDED AND ARE PROUD TO BE AN AUSTRALIAN AND WILL FORWARD THIS ALSO.

    THANK YOU

    WE LIVE IN THE LAND GIRT BY SEA, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE AND HONOURABLE!

    IN GOD WE TRUST


    If you don’t stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

    WAN

  • Emergency Call Centre

    An Emergency Call Centre worker in London England has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

    It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, “I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah..”

    Apparently “remain calm and stay on the line” was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response…

     

    WAN