Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • Woman stops Grizzly with 25 Calibre pistol

    Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Calibre Pistol

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    Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal Pistol

    This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

    What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

    The Beretta Jetfire:
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    While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

    If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

    Just one shot to my boyfriend’s knee cap was all it took.

    The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

    It’s one of the best pistols in my collection.

  • Choosing a wife

    Choosing a wife


    A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

    The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

    The man was impressed.



    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

    Again, the man is impressed.



    The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

    Obviously, the man was impressed.

    The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.


    Then     he married the one with the biggest tits.


    Men are like that, you know.

    And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

    If you don’t send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

    WAN

  • The Pickle Slicer

    Bill worked in a pickle factory.
    He had been employed there for a number of years when
    he came home one day to confess to his wife that he
    had a terrible compulsion.
    He had an urge to stick his tackle into the pickle slicer.

    His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
    talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed.

    He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

    One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
    His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

    “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

    “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
    urge to put my tackle into the pickle slicer?”

    “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

    “Yes, I did.”

    “My God, Bill, what happened?”

    “I got fired.”

    “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

    “Oh…she got fired too.”WAN

  • I LOVE IT.

    A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was recently treated, he has lost all interest in sex.
    A hospital spokesman replied –
    “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology — All we did was correct his eyesight.”
    WAN

  • The Pirate

    WAN

    A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
    “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

    “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

    “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
    “Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a Cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

    The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook?
    What happened to your hand?”

    The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook But I’m fine, really.”

    “What about that eye patch?”

    “Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds Flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.”

    “You’re kidding,” said the bartender.
    “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit.”

    “It was my first day with the hook.”

  • STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

    WAN

    STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
    I would have given him 100% . . . Whatever happened to lateral thinking?
    Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
    Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page
    Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
    Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage
    Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams
    Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner
    Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half
    Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet
    Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.
    Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
    Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands
    Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.
    Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? * Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

  • The Last Drop of the Lemon

    WAN

    The local bar was so sure that its bartender was
    the strongest man around that they offered a
    standing $1000 bet.

    The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all
    the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon
    to a patron.
    Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
    out would win the money.

    Many people had tried over time
    (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.)
    but nobody could do it.

    One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing
    thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in
    a tiny, squeaky voice,

    “I’d like to try the bet.”
    After the laughter had died down, the bartender
    said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
    Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
    to the little man.

    But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence
    as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and
    six drops fell into the glass.
    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000,
    and asked the little man,

    “What do you do for a living?”

    The man replied,
    “I work for the IRS.”

  • The cow, the ant and the old fart

    THE COW, THE ANT AND THE OLD FART


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    The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart


    A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them…

    The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”

    The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn to say something.

  • Old fashioned sex

    WAN

    PENSION SEX.
      Two men were talking.  ‘So, how’s your sex life?’
      ‘Oh, nothing special. I’m having Pension sex.’
      ‘Pension sex?’
    ‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’
    LOUD SEX  
       A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
      ‘I’ve got a big problem, doctor.   Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes,  he lets out this ear splitting yell.’
      ‘My dear,’ the shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural.
      I don’t see what the problem is..’
      ‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me up!’
    QUIET SEX
       Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife  during a recent lovemaking session,
      ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’
      She glanced at him and replied, ‘You’re never home!’
       SEX & ARGUMENTS
      A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary
    The husband yelled, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold as Ever’.’
      ‘Yeah,’ she replies, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’
      WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX  
      My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, ‘This will make you happy tonight.’
    He was right..  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.
       ELDERLY SEX 
      One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found  her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
    She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
      Brought before the court on the charge of murder.
      The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.
      She began coolly, ‘Yes, your honour.  I figured that at 92, if he could have sex…He could also fly.’

  • Brain Teasers–To Keep “AGING” Grey Cells Alive

    WAN

    Something for seniors (& those aspiring to become seniors)to do to keep those “aging” grey cells active!
    1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. …What was the third child ‘s name?

    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.…What does he weigh?

    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, …what was the highest mountain in the world?

    4. How much dirt is there in a hole …that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

    5. What word in the English language …is always spelled incorrectly?

    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ….How is this possible?

    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.…Why not?

    8. What was the President ‘s name…in 1975?

    9. If you were running a race, …and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

    10. Which is correct to say,… “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ….how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

    Here are the Answers

    1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name?

    Answer: Johnny of course

    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

    Answer: Meat.

    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

    Answer:
    Mt. Everest; it just wasn ‘t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?]

    4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

    Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

    5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

    Answer: Incorrectly

    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

    Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

    Answer: You can ‘t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

    8. What was the President ‘s name in 1975?

    Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come

    on … ]

    9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

    Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

    10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

    Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

    Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.