Category: Wan’s Humour

Money Talks!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom 
approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change 
the wedding vows. When you get to the part 
where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor 
and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ 
I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”

He passed the minister a $100 bill and 
walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time 
for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the 
young man in the eye and said: 

“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before 
her, obey her every command and wish, serve her 
breakfast in bed every morning of your life, 
and swear eternally before God and your lovely 
wife that you will not ever even look at another 
woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said 
in a tiny voice, 
“Yes,” 
then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: 

“I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s 
hand and whispered: 

“She made me a better offer.”

• My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.

• Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting e. Coli

• Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

• We all took PE ……. and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

• We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honor & respect those older than us.

• We had 30+ kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter……., FUNNY THAT!!

• We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

• I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

• I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations

We weren’t!!

• Oh yeah … and where was the antibiotics and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting?

I could have been killed!

• We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.

• Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

• To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

• How could we possibly have known that?

• We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.

• We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA AND TO ALL WHO DIDN’T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED
I WOULDN’T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!

Remember that life’s most simple pleasures are very often the best

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government.
  John Adams

If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
   Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of government.   But then I repeat myself.
   Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
   Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage  boys.
P.J.  O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
   Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
P.J.  O’Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other
  Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
   Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap…except when government does it.
Anonymous

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a taxman and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save government.
Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have.
Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Aesop

There  is an employment agency in Germany.  One of their advertising  gimmicks is putting these 3D posters on various machines  throughout  Germany.

While attending a marriage seminar dealing 
with communication, 

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the 
instructor,

“It is essential that husbands and wives 
know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the men, 

“Can you describe your wife’s favourite flower?”

Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, 
leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently 
and whispered, 

“It’s self-raising, isn’t it?”

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s 
office and asked to speak with her doctor. 

When the Doctor asked why she was there, 
she replied, 
“I’d like to have some birth control pills.” 

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute 
and then said, 

“Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. 
What would you possibly need birth control pills for?” 

The woman replied, 
“They help me sleep better.” 

The doctor considered this for a second, and 
continued, 
“How in the world do birth control pills help 
you sleep?” 

The woman said, 
“I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, 
and I sleep better at night.”