General Audience Humour
> “G’day mate, Foster’s helpline…What’s the problem cobber?”
>
> “I’m in Darwin with my sheila and she’s been stung on the minge by a wasp,
> and now her pussy has completely closed up.”
>
> “Bummer dude!”
>
> ” Thanks mate, I hadn’t thought of that, Bye.”
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
**************************
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
**************************
At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
**************************
On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
**************************
On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
**************************
At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
**************************
On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
**************************
On aoMaternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
**************************
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
**************************
At the Electric Company
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry;
Come on in and get fed up.”
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
**************************
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises
A woman checked into a motel on her 40th birthday and she was a bit lonely.
She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a coin off his well-oiled bum.
She figured, “What the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.”
“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?”
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one…no, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready! Now how does that sound?”
He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you FIRST need to press 9 for an outside line..”
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it
looked like a battle would be imminent would
change into a red shirt.
After observing this behavior for a few months,
one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
“It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want you crew
members to see blood and freak out.”
“That’s very sensible, sir.”
At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile
ships on the horizon.
The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
“Get my brown pants.”
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it?
There was a long, long line of spirits at the
gate waiting to get into heaven.
Not all these spirits could fit into heaven,
so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story,
“Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating
on me so I decided to come home early from work one day
to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over
but I couldn”t find him. Then when I walked out onto
the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing
by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then
started beating him with it and he fell.
Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a
bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him.
Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart
attack, and here I am.”
The next man came up and started his story.
“St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the
14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike
one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over
the rail and I thought ”Please God spare my life”
and he did.
I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier
when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden
he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again.
But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush.
But I’m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator
on top of me.”
It was now the third guy’s turn to start his story.
“Well, Peter, just picture this.
I’m hiding butt naked in this married chick’s refrigerator…..”
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $15.”
The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later hestaggered back, almost dead & said,
“Your f ‘ ing brother won’t let me in the restaurant without a tie!”
‘Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,’ the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies ‘Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and It got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.’
The Postman thinks a moment and says, ‘How do you play WHO AM I?’
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet.. Then the women try to guess who it is.’
The Postman laughs and says, ‘Sounds like fun. I’m sorry I missed that.’
‘Probably a good thing you did,’ Derek responded. ‘Your name came up seven times…
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him,
“Well, you’ve been such a good guy, and your invention …
the assembly line for the automobile changed the world.
As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven
you want.”
Ford thinks to himself about it, and says,
“I want to hang out with God Himself.”
The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne
Room, and introduces him to God.
Ford then asks God,
“When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?”
God asks, “What do you mean?”
“Well,” says Ford,
“You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much front end protusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.
…just to name a few.”
“Hmmm …,” replies God, “Hold on a minute.”
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer,
types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says,
“It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these
statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!”