Category: Wan’s Humour

Have a good week !
 Time for your morning groan!

 

The Grim Reaper came for  me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum  cleaner. Talk about Dyson with  death

  A mate of mine recently  admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When  I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop  any time….

  

I went to the  cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a  grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave  diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours  later and they’re still walking about with it. I  thought to myself , they’ve lost the plot!! 

  

My daughter asked me for a pet  spider for her birthday, so I went to our local  pet shop and they were $70!!!   Blow  this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the  web.

  

I was at an ATM yesterday  when a little old lady asked if I could check  her balance , so I pushed her over.

   

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I  thought it was a good Korea move.

   

I was driving this morning when I saw an  RACQ van parked up. The driver was sobbing  uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I  thought to myself that guy’s heading for a  breakdown.

  

Statistically, 6 out  of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

 

My  neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this  morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?!   Luckily for him I was still up playing my  Bagpipes.

  

Paddy says “Mick , I’m  thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that”  says Mick “have you seen how many of their  owners go blind?”

  

Man calls 000  and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator  says how do you know?  He says “The sex is  the same but the ironing is building up!” 

    

I saw a poor old lady  fall over today on the ice!!  At least I  presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her  purse.

  

My girlfriend thinks that  I’m a stalker. Well , she’s not exactly my  girlfriend yet.

    

A  wife says to her husband you’re always pushing  me around and talking behind my back.  He  says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair. 

  

I was explaining to my wife last  night that when you die you get reincarnated but  must come back as a different creature.   She said I would like to come back as a cow. I  said you’re obviously not listening.

   

The wife has been missing a week now. Police  said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to  the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 

  

Two Muslims have crashed a  speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .  Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. 

   

Sat opposite an Indian lady  on the train today , she shut her eyes and  stopped breathing. I thought she was dead ,  until I saw the red spot on her forehead and  realised she was just on standby.

   

The wife was counting all the 5c’s and 10c’s  out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got  very angry and started shouting and crying for  no reason. I thought to myself , “She’s going  through the change.”

  

When I was  in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying  that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if  they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair  of sexists. I mean , it’s not as if she’d have  to reverse the bloody thing!

   

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle  nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse  in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker  could be following some kind of pattern. 

  

Bought some ‘rocket salad’  yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! 

  

A teddy bear is working on a  building site. He goes for a tea break and when  he returns he notices his pickhas been stolen.  The bear is angry and reports the theft to the  foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says  “Oh , I forgot to tell you , today’s the day the  teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

   

Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an  envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick  sod!”

  

Just got back from my  mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the  head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely  service.

     

19 paddies go to the  cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of  you?”

Mick replies , “The film said 18 or  over.”

  

An Asian fellow has moved  in next door. He has travelled the world , swum  with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the  highest mountain. It came as no surprise to  learn his name was Bindair  Dundat.

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !

Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven.  

When they get there, St. Peter says,

‘We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on aduck,

And although they try their best to avoidthem,

The first woman accidentally steps onone.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliestman she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day,

The second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn’t miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all thisand,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERYcareful where she steps.

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

then

One day St.Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

…. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together withoutsaying a word.

The happy woman says,

‘I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says,

‘I don’t know about you,

But I stepped on a
Duck.  

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The Parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s
attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said

“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

“May I ask what the turkey did ?”

Now on sale at IKEA – LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove…

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related…

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8….

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency…

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, ‘A meal for two with a terrible view’ isn’t the best way to announce number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says “I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”
Murphy asks “Ave yer got vertigo?”
Paddy replies “No I only live round the corner.”

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full!

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. You can’t count your hair.
2. You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

10 Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does
it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the
Idiot category.
Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It’s a Beautiful Morning
even when it’s not.

Tim Matheson, the First Bloke, and Tony Abbott somehow ended up at the same barber shop at the same time.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Tim in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Tim was quick to stop him jokingly saying, “No thanks, Julia will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel.”
The second barber turned to Abbott and said… “aftershave, Mr. Abbott?”
Abbott replied, “Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like”.