Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • OLD – You know who you are!!!

    Definition of “OLD”—YES, old!
    WAN
    I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
    She turned to me and asked, ‘Are you having it catered’?
    And that, my friend, is the sad definition of ‘OLD’!
    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow
    and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’
    ’98,’ she replied: ‘Two years older than me’ .
    ‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
    She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’
    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    ‘And what do you think is the best thing
    about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
    She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
    I’ve sure gotten old!
    I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
    new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes,
    I’m half blind, I can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    I take 40 different medications that
    make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
    I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation;
    I hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
    I can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
    I have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
    I still have my driver’s license …….
    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
    told her preacher she had two final requests.
    First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
    she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
    ‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’
    ‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’
    My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
    Know how to prevent sagging?
    Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
    It’s scary when you start making the same noises
    as your coffee maker.
    These days about half the stuff
    in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’
    THE SENILITY PRAYER:
    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway,
    the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
    the eyesight to tell the difference.
      
      Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6 people,
    maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends
    if you can remember who they are …….
  • Why women can’t fix cars

    It would never have crossed my mind
    Another of life’s mysteries explained.
    It honestly never occurred to me why women can’t fix cars.
    I always thought it had something to do with their fingernails.

  • A great life lesson.

    A great life lesson….
    WANThere was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?” He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch.”Heart-warming stories like this just makes one want to cry.

  • THE IRISH BLONDE

    WAN

    An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland , arrived at thecasino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.


    She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier whenI’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”


    As the dice came to a  stop, she jumped up and down andsquealed… “Yes! Yes! I won, I  won!” She  hugged each of the dealers,  picked up her winnings and her clothes  and quickly parted.


    The dealers stared at  each other  dumbfounded.


    Finally, one of them  asked, “What did she roll?” The otheranswered, “I don’t know  – I thought you were  watching.”


    MORAL OF THE  STORY


    Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are  dumb…..
    But all men…Are men!
  • Tax return

    WAN

    This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return. The UK’s HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.
    In response to the question :

    Do you have anyone dependent on you?

    The man wrote :

    “2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crackheads; 4.4 million unemployable scroungers; 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons; 650 in Parliament plus the whole of the European Commission”.

    The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

    The man’s response back to HMRC was “who did I miss out?”.

  • RYE BREAD

    WAN

    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one
    morning.

    The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of
    breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what
    he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread
    every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina
    with the ladies.”

    So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was
    looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you
    have any rye bread?” She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you
    like some?”

    He said, “I want five loaves.” She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the
    time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”

    He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this shit but me!

  • Yoga vs Liquor

    Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does!!!

    SavasanaPosition of total relaxation.

    Balasana
    Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.

    Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
    This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

    Marjayasana Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.

    Halasana Excellent for back pain and insomnia.

    Dolphin Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.

    Salambhasana Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

    Ananda Balasana This position is great for massaging the hip area.

    Malasana This position, for ankles and back muscles.

    Pigeon Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of ‘stress’.

    Life really boils down to 2 questions…

    1. Should I get a dog…..?

    OR…

    2. Should I have children?

    Just to let you know
    I’m thinking of you today.

    No matter what situations life throws at you…..

    No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..

    Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    You’re laughing aren’t you?
    That’s good ’cause my job here is done!

    Have a great day and remember to give thanks…..


    Cats are so dramatic!

    Now that I made you smile,
    Pass it on to someone else
    Who needs a laugh today!

  • Cell Phone Etiquette

    WAN

    After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

    As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train”.

    “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.

    “No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss”.

    “No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

    “Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart”

    Fifteen minutes later, and he was still talking loudly.

    When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
    “Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

    Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

  • A funny story

    WAN

    ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 – CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
    opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
    seat.

    This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
    seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
    laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

    The case came up in court.

    The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

    The man replied, ‘Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
    on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down
    under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I
    grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan ‘s
    Liniment will

    Reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself
    under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did

    The Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when
    She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear

    Rubber could have prevented this Accident’… I just lost it.’

    ‘CASE DISMISSED!!’

  • AN IRISH GHOST STORY

    WAN

    This story happened a while ago inDublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale… it’s true.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

    John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door… only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. 
    Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

    Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

    A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn’t drunk.

    Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other…

    Look Paddy… there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!