Category: Wan’s Humour

Beer Monster 


This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two slabs of “VIC BITTER” cheap at the local “Bottle-o”. 

I placed the cartons on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two cartons of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?” …

I thought for a few seconds and asked,   “What kind o’ beer ‘ya got?” 


(Spoken like a true Aussie) ………………….

This is a true story of a poor dizzy blond 
flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. 
She, frantic,calls out a May Day.

“May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! 
My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and 
I don’t know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!”

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

“This is Air Traffic Control and I have you 
loud and clear. I will talk you through this 
and get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot 
of experience with this kind of problem. 
Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will 
be fine! 
Now give me your height and position!”

She says, 
“I’m 5’4 and i’m in the front seat.”

(pause)

“O.K.” says the voice in the radio…….
“Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven……..”

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he 
decided he wanted to marry her right away. 
She said, 
“But we don’t know anything about each other.”

He said, 
“That’s all right, we’ll learn about each 
other as we go along.”

So she consented, and they were married, 
and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. 

One morning they were lying by the pool, 
when he got up off of his towel, climbed up 
to the 10-Meter board, and did a two and a 
half tuck gainer. 
This was followed by three rotations in jackknife 
position, where he straightened out, and cut the 
water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, 
he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said,
“That was incredible!”

He said, 
“I used to be an Olympic diving champion. 
You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves 
as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started 
doing laps. 

After about thirty laps she climbed back out and 
lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, 
“That was incredible! Were you an Olympic 
endurance swimmer?”

“No.” she said, 
“I was a hooker in Venice and I worked 
both sides of the canal!”

A Man had been drinking at a pub all night. 
The bartender finally said that the bar is 
closing. 
So the guy stood up to leave fell flat on his 
face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. 

He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh 
air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, 
he stood up and fell on his face again.

So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. 
When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell 
flat on his face. 
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. 
When he reached his bed he tried one more time 
to stand up. 
This time he managed to pull himself upright, 
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is 
sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife 
standing over him, shouting, 

“SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!” 

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing 
it out he said, 

“What makes you say that?” 

“The pub just called; you left your 
wheelchair there AGAIN!.”

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”  

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

(You’re going to love the Dad’s reply!)

“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

Two elderly women were sitting on a 
bench waiting for a bus.

The buses were running late, 
and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other 
and said, 
“You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, 
my butt fell asleep.”

The other woman turned to her and said, 

“I know, I heard it snoring.”

“Lost at Sea”
“““““““
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in 
a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a 
burning freighter. 

While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, 
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. 
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, 
he rubbed the lamp vigorously. 

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. 

This particular genie, however, stated that he 
could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. 

Without giving much thought to the matter, 
Patrick blurted out, 
“Make the entire ocean into Guinness!” 

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, 
and immediately the entire sea turned into the 
finest brew ever sampled by mortals. 

Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull 
broke the stillness as the two men considered 
their circumstances. 

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish 
had been granted. A

fter a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: 

“Nice going Patrick! 
Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

There are times when the 4 letter ‘F’ word is not only desirable, but quite frankly it can be the ONLY word in the English language that accurately describes some situations. Check out the following examples:

The 4 Letter Word Is FEAR of course!

Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 and have experienced a slowdown 
in the performance of the flower and jewelry 
applications that had operated flawlessly 
under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 has disabled other 
valuable programs such as Romance 9.9, and 
installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4 
and PGA 4.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, 
and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. 

I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these 
problems but without success. 

What can I do?

Desperate.

————————-

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an 
entertainment package! , 
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. 

Try to enter the command C :/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and 
install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically 
run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

Caution: 
overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such 
background applications like Grumpy Silence 2.5, 
Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Remember that Beer 6.1 
is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav 
files. 

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.5, or reinstall another 
Boyfriend program! 
These are not supported applications and will crash 
Husband 1.0.. 

They could also cause Husband 1.0 to default to 
Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and 
has been known to introduce serious viruses into 
the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it 
does have limited memory and doesn’t learn new 
applications quickly. 
You might consider installing additional software to 
enhance the system performance. 

I personally recommend SingleMaltScotch 4.5 combined 
with such applications as that old stand-by Lingerie 6.9 
(which should also improve performance of 
Husband 1.0’s hardware).

Good luck! 
Tech Support

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya 
after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across 
a young bull elephant standing with one leg 
raised in the air. 

The elephant seemed distressed, 
so Peter approached it very carefully. 

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants 
foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply 
embedded in it. 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked 
the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant 
gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a 
rather curious look on its face, stared at him 
for several tense moments. 

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else 
but being trampled. 

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned 
and walked away. 

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events 
of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through 
the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. 

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of 
the creatures turned and walked over to near where 
Peter and his son Cameron were standing. 

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its 
front foot off the ground, then put it down. 

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted 
loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could 
not help wondering if this was the same elephant. 

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the 
railing and made his way into the enclosure. 

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back 
in wonder. 

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk 
around one of Peter legs and slammed him against 
the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.