Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Humour

General Audience Humour

  • How was I born?

    How was I born?

    20131119_HOW WAS I BORN_001 

    “That’s not what Daddy told me! “

    ================================== 

     

     

    Daddy, how was I born?

    A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

    The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 

    (Scroll down…You’ll love this ….)

    20131119_HOW WAS I BORN_002

  • Death bed promise

    Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his
    nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. “So”, he says to them:

         “Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”

         “Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”

         “Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”

          “Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

          The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away,
    she says , “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property”.

          Sarah replies, “Property?  The schmuck has a paper route!” 

    WAN

     

  • A THOUGHTFUL MESSAGE

    My first Christmas email…………let the jokes begin!

    20131118_A THOUGHTFUL MESSAGE

    Please drink responsibly – sit down so you don’t spill any!

  • The ultimate ethnic Joke.

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an  Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several  Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a  Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan,  a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a  Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a  Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman  Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an  Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an  Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a  Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an  Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a  Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a  Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a  Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a  Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

    … Walk into a fine  restaurant.

    “I’m sorry,” says the maître d’, after scrutinizing the group.

    WAN“You can’t come in here  without a Thai. “

  • The Presidents

    We’re Off to See the Wizard!   Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado …and off they whirled to the land of OZ.   They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.   “What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

    Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: “I’ve come for some courage.”   “No Problem! said the Wizard. Who’s next?”

    Richard Nixon stepped forward,   “Well, I think I need a heart.”

    “Done! says the Wizard.”   Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”   Up stepped Bush and said, “The American people say that I need a brain.”   “No problem! said the Wizard. Consider it done.”   Then there is a great silence in the hall.   Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around. But he doesn’t say a word.   Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

    “Well, what do you want?”

    “IS DOROTHY HERE?”

    WAN

  • The Farmer

    A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation.

    There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking.

    The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,

    “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!”  

     

    They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows

    off his herd of cattle.

    The Texan immediately replies,

    “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”  

     

    The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd

    of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie,

     

    “What are those?”  

     

    The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,

     

    “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?” 

    WAN

  • Interpretation of the Law

    A Queensland Judge runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sunshine Coast copper.He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a law official from Brisbane and is certain that he has a better education than any hick cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Sunshine Coast cops expense!!

    Sunshine Coast cop says,   ” Licence and registration, please.”

    Brisbane Judge says,  “What for?”

    Sunshine Coast cop says,   “You  didn’t  come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

    Brisbane Judge says,”I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

    Sunshine Coast cop says, “You still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please” 

    Brisbane Judge says,   “What’s the difference?”

    Sunshine Coast cop says,       “The difference is, you huvto come to complete stop, that’s the law,  Licence and registration, please!”

    Brisbane Judge says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

    Sunshine Coast cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

    The Brisbane Judge exits his vehicle. The Sunshine Coast cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the judge and says,

    “Dae you want me to stop, or just slow down?“ 

    WAN

  • The Lion

    Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter

    A small village was troubled by a 
    man-eating lion. So its leaders sent 
    a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, 
    to come and kill the beast.

    For several nights the hunter lay in wait 
    for the lion, but it never appeared. 
    Finally, he told the village chief to kill a 
    cow and give him its hide. 

    Draping the skin over his shoulders, 
    he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

    In the middle of the night, the villagers 
    woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks 
    coming from the pasture. 

    As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter 
    on the ground, groaning in pain. 
    There was no sign of the lion.

    “What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?” 

    asked the chief.

    “Forget the damn lion!” he howled. 
    WAN“Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?”

  • Paddy

    The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

    “What happened Paddy ?” she asks anxiously.

    “What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

    I get home… and guess what I found ?

    Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!

    This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
    “Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
    “Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation …..she never got your E-mail!”

    WAN

  • Too funny !

    The Importance of walking

    Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    Home at $4,000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking
    Five miles a day when he was 60.
    Now he’s 97 years old
    And we have no idea where the hell he is. 
    *********************************** 

    I like long walks,
    Especially when they are taken
    By people who annoy me. 

    The only reason I would take up walking
    Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 
    ***************************************************

    I have to walk early in the morning,
    Before my brain figures out what I’m doing… 

    Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate. 

    I do have flabby thighs,
    But fortunately my stomach covers them. 
    ******************************************** 

    The advantage of exercising every day
    Is so when you die, they’ll say,
    ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
    Start with a small country. 
    **************************************
    Every time I start thinking too much
    About how I look,
    I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
    And by the time I leave,
    I look just fine.


    You could run this over to your friends
    But just e-mail it to them!
    It will save you the walk!

    WAN