Wan's World

Category: Wan’s Mature Humour

Mature Humour for the more sophisticated

  • Breastfeeding On the bus

    A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the
    gorgeous woman next to him started
    to breastfeed her baby.

    The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said,

    “Come on,
    eat it all up or … I’ll have
    to give it to this nice man here.”
    Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
    so she said,
    “Come on, honey.
    Take it or I’ll give it to this nice
    man here.”
    A few minutes later, the anxious man
    blurted out,
    “Come on, you little bastard.
    Make up your mind!
    I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
    WAN

  • DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

    The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
    And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of      your                          children! I’m leaving you … I want a divorce right away!’
    And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a     minute love so at least I can tell you 
    what happened.’
    ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

    And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young  lady                         here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car..

    I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days…So, in my compassion, I brought her home  and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor 
    thing devoured them in moments.

    Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

    Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
    I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you     for                         Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

    The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

    ‘Please …. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

    WAN

  • HE-MAN.

    A very well-built man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a pro football player. They start to talk and eventually go back tohis place.

    They start to kiss, and the man takes off hisshirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

    “What’s that for?” the lady questions.

    “Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.”

    Then the man takes off his trousers, and onhis leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

    ‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again.

    “Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.”

    Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

    The lady screams: “Don’t tell me you have AIDS!”

    The man replies: “No, no…!!! Calm down…!!!

    It will say ADIDAS in a minute.”

  • Old Question…

     

    What deep thinkers men are… 

    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

    The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

    Finally I thought about an age old question:

    Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

    Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. 

    Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”

    On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

    I rest my case. Time for another beer. 

  • TOO GOOOOOOOD!

    Always choose a memorable password!   
    mypenis.

    As he hits “enter”, to validate the selection, his wife
    collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!

    The computer had replied:
    TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
    Always REMEMBER :
    You don’t stop laughing because you grow old.
    You grow old because you stop laughing.

  • Aircraft Quiz

    This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft.However, the answer may surprise you . . .
    The Question:
    What is the primary advantage of rotary-winged aircraft
    over fixed-winged aircraft?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    I got it wrong, too!

  • Marriages gone bad

  • Friends ………..or looking after your mates…

    WAN

    A man invites his mate back home for dinner.
    His wife screams at him, “I’ve not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can’t bebothered with cooking! What the f**k did you invite him round for?”

    “’Cos he’s thinking of getting married..”

  • Select a good Retirement Home …

    Before you select your Retirement Home

    Check to make sure the staff are happy

    to be of service.

     

  • MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE….THE PRICE OF HONESTY!

    WAN

    > A foursome of guys is waiting at the men’s tee while a
    > foursome of women is hitting from the ladies’ tee.
    > The ladies are taking their time.
    >
    > When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she duffs it
    > 10 feet. Then she goes over and misses it completely.
    > Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it
    > another five feet.
    > She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
    > apologetically, “I guess all those f***ing lessons I took
    > over the winter didn’t help.”
    >
    > One of the men immediately responds,
    > “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons
    > instead!” He never even had a chance to duck. He was only
    > 43…….