Category: Wan’s Adult Humour

Little Tommy

For those who are not familiar with “Little Tommy”, he is famous for always embarrassing his teachers!

The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was ascinating.’

The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.

Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.

The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’

LittleTommy raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Tommy before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate,’ so she called on him.

Tommy said, ‘My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.’

The teacher sat down and cried.

August 19, 2013
Aircraft Fuel

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the  hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’

Jim says, ‘Me too. I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel  and  get  a  buzz.

You wanna try it?’

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze  and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he  feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, ‘Hey, how do you feel  this morning?’

Dave says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’
Jim says, ‘I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?’

Dave says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing.  We ought to do this more often..’

‘ Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Have you farted yet?’

‘No.’

‘Well, DON’T – cause I’m in Athens ‘

June 20, 2013
SMART GIRL

A politician was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the politician. “How about global warming, fast broadband or the Refugee situation?” he said, smiling smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff –
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, with typical politicians wisdom “Hmmm, I have no idea”.
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss refugees, computers, or climate change, when you don’t know shit?”

Then she went back to reading her book.

May 31, 2013

WRONG TOILET.

This is the best one in a long time!!

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ‘ You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.’

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

‘What happened?’ he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

‘The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.’

MEN NEVER LISTEN

May 30, 2013

3 inches

Bottle of Merlot
A Man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there’….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’..

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.’

May 21, 2013
SENIOR VACATION PICTURES

May 3, 2013
The life of a senior citizen

The life of a senior citizen

This is my new neighbour. She’s single, and lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised

when she walked across the street in the rain and along my driveway.

She knocked on my door, and

I rushed to open it.

She looked at me, and said, “I’ve just got home, and I am so horny!

I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have sex

all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “No, I’m free, I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you please look after my dog?”

It’s no fun being old !

May 3, 2013
Mother and Daughter

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her
family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Daughter:
“Mother, where do babies come from?”

Mom:
“Well dear…a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and
have ‘grown up cuddles’.”

(The daughter looks puzzled.)
“That means the daddy puts his bits in the mommy’s bits.
That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

Daughter:
“Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and
daddy’s room you had daddy’s bits in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?”

Mom:
“More Expensive Jewelry, dear!”

April 22, 2013
Biker story

A young woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs… A green spot on the inside of each. “They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.”

The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. Much to her relief, it’s the doctor. She immediately begs to know what’s causing the spots.

The doctor says, “You’re perfectly healthy – – there’s no problem. But I’m wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?”

The woman stammers, “Why, yes, but how did you know?”

“Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold.”

HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!!

April 22, 2013
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. ‘Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.’

‘I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..’

‘I agree,’ says the Father. ‘Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?’

‘Anything, Father.’

‘I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.’

‘Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.’

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

‘Sister, would you mind if I touched them?’…

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

‘Father, could I ask something of you?’

‘Yes, Sister?’

‘I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?’

‘I suppose that would be OK,’ the Priest replied lifting his robe.

‘Oh Father, may I touch it?’

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

‘Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.’

‘Is that true Father?’

‘Yes, it is, Sister.’

‘Oh Father, that’s wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!’

April 21, 2013