Category: Wan’s Wisdom

Some Deeper meaning stories

  • Embarrassing Medical Exams – Funny!!!

     

    1.  A man comes into the ER and yells . .  .’
    My  wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’
    I  grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear.
    Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – – – and  I was in the wrong one.

    Submitted  by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
    San  Francisco

     
    2.  At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall..
    ‘Big  breaths,’. . . I instructed.
    ‘Yes,  they used to be,’. . . Replied the patient.

    Submitted  by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
    Seattle  , WA

     
    3.  One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
    Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died  of a ‘massive internal fart.’

    Submitted  by Dr. Susan Steinberg

     
    4.  During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of  his medications.
    Which  one?’. … I asked. ‘The patch…
    The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m  running out of places to put it!’
    I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see.
    Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
    Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

    Submitted   by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
    Norfolk  , VA

     
    5.  While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long have you been bedridden?’
    After a look of complete confusion she answered … ‘Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’Submitted  by Dr. Steven Swanson-
    Corvallis  , OR

     
    6.  I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .’ So how’s your breakfast this morning?’

    It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste. Bob replied.
    I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

    Submitted  by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
    Detroit  ,

     
    7.  A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered… It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and
    above it there was a tattoo that read . . . ‘Keep off the grass.’
    Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing,
    Which said ‘Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.’

    Submitted  by RN no name,

     
    AND  FINALLY!! ! . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . .

    8.  As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
    I  was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams…  To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling  softly.
    The  middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
    I  looked up from my work and sheepishly said… ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’
    She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard … ‘No doctor but the song you were whistling was… ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .’

     

    Dr.  Wouldn’t submit his name…..

    1  MORE

    Baby’s first doctor visit
    This made me laugh out loud. I  hope it will give you a smile!
    A  woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
    The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and  being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
    ‘Breast-fed,’  she replied..
    ‘Well,  strip down to your waist,’ the doctor  ordered.
    She did he pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
    Motioning  to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
    I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.

    WAN

  • Guido, the Italian Lover

    A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was

                    relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to

                    attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

    Things progressed to the point where he invited her back

                    to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to

                    his bedroom where he rattled  her senseless.

    After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”

    She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”

    Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

                    This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
    The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, “You finish?”

    Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him

                    and softly says, “No.”

    Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,

                    Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,

                    he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing

                    and ripping the bed sheets.

    Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his

                    head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, “You finish?”

     

                    Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, “No, I’m Norwegian.”

    WAN

  • LETTER FROM AN AUSTRALIAN CATTLE STATION PILOT…

    Dear Bill,

    I’m writing to you because I need your help to get me flamin’ pilot’s licence back. You keep telling me you got  all the right contacts. Well now’s your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I’m bloody desperate.

     

    But first, I’d better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CASA Examiner. On the phone, Ron (that’s the CASA feller), seemed a reasonable sort of a bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property and let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that. Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday.

    First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see my plane on a small strip outside my homestead, because the authorized landing area is about a mile away. I explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than the “ALA,” and despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip, it’s really not a problem to land and take-off, because at the halfway point down the strip you’re usually still on the ground.

    For some reason Ron, seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again. Because the examiner was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times instead of my usual two. My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron’s cheeks. In fact, they went a bright red. In view of Ron’s obviously better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with some farm work, as I had to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd. After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol’ Cessna 172. We climbed aboard but Ron, started getting onto me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time because calves like to move around a bit particularly when they see themselves 500-feet off the ground! So, it’s pointless trying to secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn’t worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.

    Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimised the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500 RPM. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a flamin’ headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can’t be moved now, but it doesn’t matter because it’s jammed on “All tanks,” so I reckon that’s OK. However, as Ron was obviously a nit-picker, I blamed the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof.

    I released the brakes to taxi out, but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right. “Hell” I thought, “not the starboard wheel chock again”. The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked around just in time to see a rock thrown by the prop-wash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. “Now I’m really in trouble”, I thought…

    While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the ALA, and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn’t say a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off point, and then he bloody screamed his head off. “Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!”. “Now take it easy Ron”, I told him firmly. “That often happens on take-off and there is a good reason for it”. I explained patiently that I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in a few gallons of high octane MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine, if you know how to coax it properly. Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my test flight.

    Anyhow, on levelling out, I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. I hate bloody camels, and always carry a loaded 303, clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the bastards. We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out, the effect on Ron was electric. As I fired the first shot his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron’s reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre.

    Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick. Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 5000 feet at 130 knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle rushed up to the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate! About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in mid-air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment to Ron on this unusual sight, but he looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the foetal position and was screamin’ his  head off. Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should’ve been there, it was so bloody funny! At about 500 feet I levelled out, but for some reason we kept sinking. When we reached about 100 feet, I applied full power but nothing happened. No noise no nothin’. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor’s voice in me head saying “carb heat, carb heat”. So I pulled carb heat on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was real close, let me tell you! Then mate, you’ll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. You would have been really proud of me as I didn’t panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (something I’ve been meaning to do for a while now).

    Suddenly Ron’s elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened very wide,        but no sound emerged. “Take it easy,” I told him, “we’ll be out of this in a minute”. Sure enough, about a minute later we emerged, still straight and level and still at 50 feet. Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I kept thinking to myself, “I hope Ron didn’t notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing”. This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again. By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between them. “Ah!” I thought, “there’s an omen. We’ll land right there”. Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear that I cut its circuit        breaker to shut it up. But by then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply onto a 75 foot final and put her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again! Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered his sense of humour. Talk about laugh. I’ve never seen the likes of it. He couldn’t stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow.

    I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that Ron, really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft. Can you believe it? I saw him running off into the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric institution – poor bugger! Anyhow mate, that’s enough about Ron.

    The problem is I got this letter from CASA  a couple of days ago withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight proficiency test. Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can’t see what else I did that was a so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flaming’ license. Can you?

    Ralph H. Bell

    Mud Creek Station

    WAN

  • Hearing problem

    The Deaf Wife Problem

    Bert feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
    Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
    The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

    ‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den.  He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’  Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

    No response.

    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

    Still no response.

    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

    Again he gets no response.

    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

    Again there is no response.

    So he walks right up behind her.. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

    (I just love this)

    ‘For God’s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH  time, CHICKEN!’

    WAN

  • Cannibal Food

    Cannibal Food

    Two cannibals meet one day. 
    The first cannibal says, 
    “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender 
    missionary. I’ve baked ’em, I’ve roasted ’em, 
    I’ve stewed ’em, I’ve barbequed ’em, I’ve even 
    tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot 
    seem to get them tender.”

    The second cannibal asks, 
    “What kind of missionary do you use?”

    The other replied, 
    “You know, the ones that hang out at that place 
    at the bend of the river. They have those brown 
    cloaks with a rope around the waist and their 
    sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair 
    on their heads.”

    “Ah ha!” he replies. 

    “No wonder.. those are friars!”

    WAN

  • Ed the Chicken

    20131226_Ed the Chicken
    Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
    He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ed.’
    Ed was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
    St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’
    Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..
    A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
    ‘Not bad,’ replied Ed the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’
    ‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’
    ‘Never,’ said Ed.
    ‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’
    He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming..
    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard…..
    “Ed, wake up! You pooped in the bed!”

    Getting OLD just ain’t what they said it would be!

  • The Twelve Days of Christmas

    The Real 12 Days of Christmas


    Dearest John:

    I went to the door today and the postman delivered 
    a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly 
    delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

    With deepest love and devotion,

    Agnes
    —————–

    Dearest John:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. 
    Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at 
    your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

    All my love,

    Agnes
    —————–

    Dearest John:

    Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I really must 
    protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French 
    hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve 
    been too kind.

    Love, Agnes
    —————–

    Dear John,

    Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. 
    Now really, they are beautiful but don’t you think 
    enough is enough. You’re being too romantic.

    Affectionately,

    Agnes
    —————–

    Dearest John:

    What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden 
    rings; one for every finger. You’re just impossible, 
    but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were 
    beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love,

    Anges
    —————–

    Dear John:

    When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese 
    a-laying on my front steps. So, you’re back to the 
    birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will 
    I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and 
    I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.

    Cordially,

    Agnes
    —————–

    John:

    What’s with you and those foocking birds? 7 swans 
    a-swimming. What kind of damned joke is this? 
    There’s bird poop all over the house, and they never 
    stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m 
    a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop with 
    foocking birds.

    Sincerely,

    Agnes
    —————–

    O.K. Buster:

    I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going 
    to do with 8 maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all 
    those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring 
    their damned cows. There is poop all over the lawn 
    and I can’t move in my own house.

    Just lay off me, smart ass.

    Agnes
    —————–

    Hey! poophead,

    What are you? Some kind of sadist? 
    Now there’s 9 pipers playing. And Crikey do they play. 
    They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they 
    got here yesterday morning. 
    They cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping 
    all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? 
    The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

    You’ll get yours,

    Agnes
    —————–

    You Rotten Prick,

    Now there’s 10 ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call 
    those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers 
    all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve 
    got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. 
    The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to 
    give cause why this building shouldn’t be condemned. 
    I’m calling the police on you.

    One who means it.
    —————–


    Listen! D*ckhead,

    What’s with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids 
    and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk 
    again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have 
    been committing sodomy with the cows. 
    All 23 of the birds are dead. 
    They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. 
    I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

    Your sworn enemy,

    Agnes
    —————–


    Dear Sir:

    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers 
    fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our 
    client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. 
    The destruction, of course, was total. 
    All correspondence should come to our attention. 

    If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at 
    Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions 
    to shoot you on sight. 

    With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.

    Cordially,

    Badger, Bender and Cahole 

    ===============

    WAN

  • Financial Planning

    Financial Planning

    Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died.
    He decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
    Her natural beauty took his breath away.
    “I may look like just an ordinary guy”. he said to her,”But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million”.
    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
    Women are so much better at financial planning than men !!!!