Day: November 29, 2012

  • Guess what this is?

    Guess what this is…

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Oh no it’s not.
    It’s not I tell you!
    It’s a Vietnamese gourd or pumpkin.
    Oh yes it is!
    They would certainly brighten up a kitchen.
    Although they do look as though they’re trophies from some remote Amazonian tribe !
  • It’s time to vote for Parent of the Year

    ..AND TO THINK YOU NEED A LICENSE TO FISH??

  • Irish shoppers

    WAN

    Two Irish men are walking along Kensington High Street when they see a sign.
    Suits £15. 00
    Trousers £3. 50
    Shirts £2. 00
    One said to the other one “Will ye look at that – we could buy a lot of that gear and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. When we go in the shop don’t say anything, let me do all the talking “cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us so I’ll speak in my best English accent.”
    They go in and he orders,
    50 suits at £15. 00 and
    50 trousers at £3. 50 and
    100 shirts at £2. 00
    The owner of the shop says “You’re Irish aren’t you”
    “Ah Bejaysus. . . . . Yes, how de hell did ye know?”,
    The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners!!!!!”
  • SPEEDING IN WISCONSIN

    WAN

    An Elkhart Lake, WI. policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
    speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem–a
    12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign,
    which read ‘RADAR TRAP AHEAD..’ The officer also found the boy had an
    accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a
    bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

    BETTER
    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
    automated radar post in Sheboygan, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was
    included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
    The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs..

    BEST
    A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper
    walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, ‘I
    bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper’s Ball. ‘He
    replied, ‘Wisconsin State Troopers don’t have balls.’ There was a
    moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car
    and left.

  • Aunty Acid says

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Why Ethel changed Hotels!!!!

    WAN

    Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places.She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.I’ll give him a call.”Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,”Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?” He said,”That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.

  • Though you might enjoy this

    WAN
    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
    Men Are Just Happier People —
    What do you expect from such simple creatures?
    Your last name stays put.
    The garage is all yours.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    Chocolate is just another snack…
    You can be President.
    You can never be pregnant.
    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    The world is your urinal.
    You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    Same work, more pay.
    Wrinkles add character.
    Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
    People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
    New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    One mood all the time.
    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    You know stuff about tanks.
    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    You can open all your own jars.
    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    If someone forgets to invite you,
    He or she can still be your friend.
    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
    You almost never have strap problems in public.
    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
    Everything on your face stays its original color.
    The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
    You only have to shave your face and neck.
    You can play with toys all your life.
    One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
    You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
    You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
    On December 24 in 25 minutes.
    ___________________________________
    Men Are Just Happier People
    NICKNAMES
    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
    EATING OUT
    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
     MONEY
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
     BATHROOMS
    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
    ARGUMENTS
    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
     FUTURE
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
     MARRIAGE
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
    DRESSING UP
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
    NATURAL
    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
     OFFSPRING
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
     THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
    A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
    SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it …. and to the men who will enjoy reading it.