Wan's World

Month: December 2012

  • Another Ole!

    WAN

    A doctor in WI wanted to get off work and go hunting so he told his assistant, “Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of the patients.”
      “Ya,, for sure.” answers Ole.
    The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks;, “Ole, how was your day?”
      Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients. The first one had a headache so he gave him a Tylenol. The second one had stomach burning so he gave him Maalax. The doctor was very impressed. “Bravo, Ole. you’re good at this. What did you do about the third one?”
       “Vel, Dr.. I vas sittin here und suddenly da door opens and a voman enters like a flame! She undresses herself, taking off her bra and panties and lies down on da table and shouts; Help me! For 5 years i have not seen any men!”
       “And what did you do, Ole?” asks the doctor.
       “I put eye drops in her eyes!” Ole answers.

  • ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA?

    Sent this to all even if your young enjoy
                                     ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING??
      ONE

    Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

    I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

    ‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.

    ‘You don’t?’ I replied.

    ‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.

    ‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’

    ‘That’s right.’

    So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

    (Unbelievable but sadly true…)

    (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
    And she said they didn’t have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

    TWO

    I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they
    Keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.

    After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
    ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

    Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’

    I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’

    She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.

    She had no clue to what had just happened.

    ( But the lady behind me had a big smerk on her face as I left)

    THREE

    A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

    When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
    (Keep shuddering!!)

    FOUR

    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.  She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the  battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) wouldhave a battery to fit this?’

    ‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.

    ‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered,
    Handing it and the car keys to me. As I
    Took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
    Replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and
    Check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’

    PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

    FIVE

    Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.

    Brunette, by the way!!

    SIX

    A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’

    Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency right now!’

    Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!

    Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too.
    Don’t laugh….it is all true…

    Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

    01.   Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

    02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

    03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

    04. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

    05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

    06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

    07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

    08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

    09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

    10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

    11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

    12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

    13. You sing along with elevator music.

    14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

    15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

    16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

    17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

    18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

    19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

    20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

    Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

    Never, under any circumstances,
    take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

  • The new alphabet

    New Alphabet :
    A     is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won’t float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let’s be a bit more realistic instead. 

    Now The NEW Alphabet: 

    A’s for arthritis; B’s the bad back, C’s the chest pains,perhaps car-di-ac? 

     

    D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line! F is for farting and fluid retention, G is for gut droop, which I’d rather not mention. 

    H high blood pressure–I’d rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,K is for knees that crack when they bend. L ‘s for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next.. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don’t grow! 

    P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new! Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. 

    S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow;V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.. 

    W for worry, now what’s going ’round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Yfor another year I’m left here behind,Z is for zest I still have– in my mind! 


    I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,And I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!     

     

     

    HAVE A GREAT DAY !

    Have a wonderful Day

     

  • MARRIAGE PART I, II, III, V

    WAN

    Marriage (Part I )
    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    ‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
    I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
    I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
    I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
    I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
    When I want with my old buddies, and don’t you
    Give me a hard time about it.
    Those are my rules. Any comments?’

    His new bride said:
    ‘No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.’

    (DARN SHE’S GOOD!)

    ************************************************

    Marriage (Part II)

    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
    The husband yells, ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!’

    ‘Yeah?’ she replies. ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!’

    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)

    *****************************************

    Marriage (Part III)

    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

    Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no
    Good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

    After some time he realizes he was nasty and
    Decides to make amends and rings her up.

    She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

    She says, ‘I was in bed.’

    ‘In bed this early, doing what?’

    ‘Getting a second opinion!’

    (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

    *****************************************

    Marriage (Part IV)

    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

    He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
    Wife,’ Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections.

    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home, Mother of Six?’

    His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion,
    Shouts right back, ‘Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.’

    (RIGHT ON, LADY!)

    *****************************************

    THE SILENT TREATMENT

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

    Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
    Was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight..

    Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    ***************************
    GOD may have created man before woman, but there 
    Is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

    ***************************

  • Amazing Amish Christmas Lights

    Amazing Amish Christmas Lights

    I know it’s not the season yet, but these are amazing!

    Scroll down to see the Amish Christmas lights.

     

    You know very well that the Amish don’t use electricity.

    Messing with old people is so easy!

     

    Hey, don’t kill the messenger!!

  • Quickie in the bushes

    WAN

    There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
    The angel tells them, ‘As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.’

    He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

    The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

    The angel tells them, ‘Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?’

    He asks her ‘Shall we?’

    She eagerly replies, ‘Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions.

    This time, I ‘ll hold the pigeon down and you sh!t on its head.’


    —————-AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

  • A 21 year old speaks out…..

    WAN

    “IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER,
    YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM”
    WRITTEN BY A 21 YEAR OLD FEMALE
    Wow, this girl has a great plan! Love the last thing she would do the best.

    This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It’s her future she’s worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare big government state that she’s being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion.

    This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX , Nov 18, 2011

    PUT ME IN CHARGE . . .

    Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I’d do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal legations. Then, we’ll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, or smoke, then get a job.
    Put me in charge of food stamps. I’d get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho’s, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.
    Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your home” will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

    In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a “government” job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that m oney toward the “common good..”

    Before you write that I’ve violated someone’s rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules. Before you say that this would be “demeaning” and ruin their “self esteem,” consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking someone else’s money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.

    If we are expected to pay for other people’s mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.

    AND While you are on Gov’t subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov’t welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job .

    Now, if you have the guts – PASS IT ON…I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GET THIS BACK, IF EVERYONE SENDS IT, I WILL GET OVER 220 BACK!!! I WOULD KNOW YOU SENT IT ON!!!

  • No Matter What

    When you see a woman….
    And want her badly….

    Please consider the following….

    No matter how beautiful she

    is…..

    No matter how sexy she is….

    No matter how seductive she is…

    No matter how huge her breasts are…

    … I’ve completely forgotten where I was going with this… I’m sorry if I wasted your time.

     

  • What Has It Come To????????

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Heavenly Confessions

    HEAVENLY CONFESSIONS

    WANA priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

    After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” 


    The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

    The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” 


    To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

     

    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

    A  while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”


     The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

    The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” 

     

    The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

     

    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for  about five minutes.

    Finally, the rabbi turned to him and said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”