Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!”
So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?”
And that’s the last thing I remember.
They are referred to as “homo slackass-erectus” created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmatic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The “drag-crotch” shape also seems to effect brain function.
Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. They receive food stamps and full government care. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.
Tim Matheson, the First Bloke, and Tony Abbott somehow ended up at the same barber shop at the same time.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Tim in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Tim was quick to stop him jokingly saying, “No thanks, Julia will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel.”
The second barber turned to Abbott and said… “aftershave, Mr. Abbott?”
Abbott replied, “Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like”.
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. ‘Since you’ve
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
God recognized Arthur and commented, ‘Okay,
Arthur said, ‘Yeah, that’s me…’
God commented:
‘Well, what’s the big deal in inventing
something that’s pretty unstable, makes
noise and pollution and can’t run without
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but he
finally spoke, ‘Excuse me, but aren’t you the
inventor of woman?’
God said, ‘Ah, yes.’
‘Well,’ said Arthur,
‘professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.
1.
There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end
suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble
4.
The intake is placed way too
5. The maintenance costs are
outrageous!!!!
‘Hmmmmm,
you may have some good points there,’ replied
God, ‘hold on.’
God went to his Celestial supercomputer,
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
‘Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,’ God
said to Arthur, ‘but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours’..
The Chinese guy buys 25 bras
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, “Please tell me – What do you do with all these black bras?”
The Chinese guy answers: “I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each.”
…and this is why the Chinese own us!
Business is Business!
Where did “piss poor” come from?
Just to keep the grey matter tuned up. Where did “Piss Poor” come from? Interesting history.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery…if you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor”.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
Isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500’s
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell,
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!”
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppingcould mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.”
They would cut off a little to share with guests
And would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status..
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days..
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom; “holding a wake.”
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell” or was “considered a dead ringer.”
And that’s the truth.
Now, whoever said history was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone!
Share these facts with a friend. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
“What the heck happened?”
It would never have crossed my mind
Another of life’s mysteries explained.
It honestly never occurred to me why women can’t fix cars.
I always thought it had something to do with their fingernails.
A great life lesson….
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?” He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch.”Heart-warming stories like this just makes one want to cry.
