Month: January 2013
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Circomcision disqualifies US politician
A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:“I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate. The receptionistreplied “Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.”He was filling the form until he came to the question – ”Are you circumcised?”So he asked the receptionist – “Is that question necessary?”She replied… “If you are circumcised you are not eligible” .He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?She replied….”To become a politician. you have to be a complete prick ”. -
THE IRISH BLONDE
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland , arrived at thecasino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier whenI’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down andsquealed… “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The otheranswered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb…..But all men…Are men! -
Tax return
This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return. The UK’s HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.
In response to the question :Do you have anyone dependent on you?
The man wrote :
“2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crackheads; 4.4 million unemployable scroungers; 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons; 650 in Parliament plus the whole of the European Commission”.
The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man’s response back to HMRC was “who did I miss out?”.
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RYE BREAD
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one
morning.The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of
breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread
every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina
with the ladies.”So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you
have any rye bread?” She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you
like some?”He said, “I want five loaves.” She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the
time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this shit but me!
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Yoga vs Liquor
Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does!!!SavasanaPosition of total relaxation.
Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.
Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.
Marjayasana Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.
Halasana Excellent for back pain and insomnia.
Dolphin Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.
Salambhasana Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.
Ananda Balasana This position is great for massaging the hip area.
Malasana This position, for ankles and back muscles.
Pigeon Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of ‘stress’.Life really boils down to 2 questions…
1. Should I get a dog…..?
OR…
2. Should I have children?
Just to let you know
I’m thinking of you today.No matter what situations life throws at you…..
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..
Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
You’re laughing aren’t you?
That’s good ’cause my job here is done!Have a great day and remember to give thanks…..
Now that I made you smile,
Pass it on to someone else
Who needs a laugh today! -
Laws
LAWS1Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3.Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal – and someone always answers.
6.Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).7.Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8.Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9.Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
10.Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12.The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14.Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jellysandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
16.Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
17.Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking —A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!
18.Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
If you don’t forward this to your friends within the next 5 minutes – your belly button will unscrew – and your butt will fall off.
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Cell Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train”.
“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.
“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss”.
“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.
“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart”
Fifteen minutes later, and he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
“Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.
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Abe Lincoln’s Son
WHO WAS ROBERT TODD LINCOLN?For starters, he begged his father for a commission to serve in the Civil War, with President Lincoln refusing, saying the loss of two sons (to that point) made risking the loss of a third out of the question.But Robert insisted, saying that if his father didn’t help him, he would join on his own and fight with the front line troops; a threat that drove Abe to give in.But you know how clever Abe was. He gave Robert what he wanted, but wired General Grant to assign “Captain Lincoln” to his staff, and to keep him well away from danger.The assignment did, however, result in Robert’s being present at Appomattox Court House, during the historic moment of Lee’s surrender.Then – the following week, while Robert was at the White House, he was awakened at midnight to be told of his father’s shooting, and was present at The Peterson House when his father died.Below are Robert’s three brothers; Eddie, Willie, and Tad.Little Eddie died at age 4 in 1850 – probably from thyroid cancer. Willie (in the middle picture) was the most beloved of all the boys. He died in the White House at age 11 in 1862, from what was most likely Typhoid Fever.Abe grieved the hardest over Willie’s death. It took him four days to pull himself together enough to function as President again. Lincoln had a temporary tomb built for Willie, until they could return home with his body to Springfield , and he often spent long periods of time at the tomb.I guess Tad was a real hellion. None of his tutors could control him, which is why he grew up unable to competently read or write. He was a momma’s boy, he had a lisp and was probably mildly retarded.He died at age 18 in 1871, most likely from the same thyroid cancer Eddie had died from, suggesting a genetic flaw.
But – back to Robert, shown at age 22 at left, following his father’s assassination, he moved to Chicago with his insane mother, and brother Tad, who was 12 at the time. Robert finished law school and practiced the craft for a time, while constantly struggling to keep crazy Mary in check.
As she had done as First Lady, Mary went on shopping binges that far exceeded common sense, driving what was left of the family fortune into bankruptcy, and leading to violent disputes between Robert and she.Robert also had torrid battles with Mary to keep her from destroying Lincoln’s private papers, not just for their financial worth, but for their historic value also, with Mary forever trying to tear them apart and burn them in fireplaces.In fact, her irrational behavior (she was probably schizophrenic) grew so destructive that Robert had to have her put away, with his signature signing her into a psychiatric hospital, where she stayed locked up for three months. Mary never forgave him for it – and they remained estranged from then on – until Mary died at age 63 in 1882.Worth noting, as a deceased President’s wife, Mary had petitioned Congress for a pension, and by God, she got one! She received $3,000 a year, a sizable sum back then.Of profound interest, as an adult Robert wrote there was a lot of distance between his father and he – caused mainly by Abe’s being absent so much of the time during Robert’s formative years. Abe was forever gone on state wide judicial circuits, or campaigning for office – or serving in the state legislature.Robert writes that his most vivid memories of his father were seeing him pack his saddle bags to be off again. Nonetheless, Robert respected his father – and he wept obsessively the night he was killed.In 1868, Robert married a senator’s daughter and they had three kids – two girls and a boy, Abraham Lincoln’s only grandchildren. Their son, whom they named Abraham Lincoln II (but whom they called “Jack”) would die in 1890 from an infection arising from having a boil pierced under his arm. He was 15 at the time, and at left is a blurry, but still remarkable photo of his lying in bed, shortly before he died.
The two daughters, however, lived fairly long lives, one living until 1938 to die at age 69, and the other until 1948, dying at age 72.The last direct descendent of Abraham Lincoln would be the child of one of Robert’s daughters – Abe Lincoln’s great grandson – a guy named Bud Beckwith, who died married but childless, in 1985.And then – some years later, Robert would also be present when President McKinley was gunned down in Buffalo ! I’m telling you, if I were President, I’d be leery about having him around me – wouldn’t you?In later years, Robert would grow a beard, as shown at left. He would serve in other political appointments and ambassadorships, and later became president of the Pullman train car company, a booming enterprise back then, and a position he would hold for the rest of his life.Worth noting, Robert was an avid amateur astronomer, and even had an observatory built into his Vermont home, which is better described as a mansion, really; but anyhow – the telescope was so well built and powerful that’s it’s still used today by a local astronomy club!
In the photo at left is Robert (far right) appearing in his late 70’s at the dedication of the Lincoln Memorial in 1922.
And below – is his house. Some joint, huh?A footnote. Abe Lincoln once said he doubted Robert would do as well in life as he had done. You sure wouldn’t know it from the pad Robert lived in, huh? Beyond that, Robert was several times offered the chance to run as President or Vice-President, with his every time refusing the offer, so – Old Abe’s assessment of his son was way off the mark, wasn’t it? Of course, who knows how much ‘being Abe’s son’ influenced Robert’s success in life?But anyhow – now for the most incredible thing there is to know about Robert Lincoln.
In his 20’s, Robert was standing on a train platform in Jersey City – buried among a crowd of passengers attempting to buy sleeping births from a haggard conductor – when the train moved. Robert was standing so close to the train that it spun him around and sent him dropping into the space between the train and the platform – a perilously tight place to be – against a moving train threatening to crush him!
Suddenly – a hand grabbed Robert by the neck of his coat and pulled him up onto the platform, a quick action by a solidly strong man that may well have saved Robert’s life.And you know who that man was? It was Edwin Booth – the brother of John Wilkes Booth … who had murdered Robert’s father.Below is Robert’s sarcophagus at Arlington National Cemetery , where he’s buried with his wife and son Jack.And – that’s all.IN GOD WE TRUST -
A funny story
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 – CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, ‘Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down
under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I
grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan ‘s
Liniment willReduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself
under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick DidThe Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when
She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘GoodyearRubber could have prevented this Accident’… I just lost it.’
‘CASE DISMISSED!!’
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AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago inDublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale… it’s true.
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John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door… only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other…
Look Paddy… there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!