Wan's World

Month: January 2013

  • Medical Advice

    NOW THIS IS A REAL DOCTOR

    Medical Advice to Live By……

    Love this Chinese Doctor!

     
    Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
    Is this true?
    A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise.
    Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer;
    it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer?
    Take nap.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that
    mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that
    way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have
    two body, your ratio two to one.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can’t think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

    Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more

    vegetable be bad?

    Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing
    sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

    Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about

    food and diets.

    And remember:
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving

    safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
    sideways – chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly
    used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

    AND…..

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and

    health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer

    fewer heart attacks than Brits.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English isapparently what kills you.

  • I THINK WE MADE IT…..SO FAR!

    TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
    1930’s 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s !!

    First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

    They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
    Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
    We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
    As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
    Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
    We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
    We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
    We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……
    WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
    We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
    No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
    We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
    We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
    We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
    We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
    We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

    made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

    We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

    Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
    The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
    This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
    The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
    We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
    HOW TO

    DEAL WITH IT ALL!

    And YOU are one of them!

    CONGRATULATIONS!

    You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
    and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
    Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!

  • Wife texts husband

    WAN

    Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
    “Windows frozen.”
    Husband texts back:
    “Pour some lukewarm water over it.”
    Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
    “Computer completely screwed up now.”

  • The Importance of Walking as you get Older

    The Importance of walking

    Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    home at $4,000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking
    five miles a day when he was 60.
    Now he’s 97 years old
    and we have no idea where the hell he is.

    I like long walks,
    especially when they are taken
    by people who annoy me.

    The only reason I would take up walking
    is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

    I have to walk early in the morning,
    before my brain figures out what I’m doing…

    I joined a health club last year,
    spent about 250 bucks.
    Haven’t lost a pound.
    Apparently you have to go there!

    Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    I do have flabby thighs,
    but fortunately my stomach covers them.

    The advantage of exercising every day
    is so when you die, they’ll say,
    ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
    start with a small country.

    I know I got a lot of exercise
    the last few years,……
    just getting over the hill.

    We all get heavier as we get older,
    because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
    That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    AND

    Every time I start thinking too much
    about how I look,
    I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
    and by the time I leave,
    I look just fine.

    You could run this over to your friends
    But just e-mail it to them!
    It will save you the walk!

  • Miracle In The Alcohol Aisle

    Praise The Lord

    And a few more items of interest !!

  • Good for a laugh or two

  • Simple truths as you prepare for 2013

     

    WAN

    SIMPLE TRUTH 1
    Lovers help each other undress before sex.
    However after sex, they always dress on their own.

    Moral of the story:
    In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

    SIMPLE TRUTH 2`
    When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats”.
    But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.

    Moral of the story:
    Hard work is never appreciated.

    FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
    1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

    2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.

    3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.

    4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

    5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

    Bonus:

    Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex.
    A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

  • Chuckle for the day

    WAN

    There is a man who works for the UK Post Office whose job is to process all the mail that has illegible and incomplete addresses.

    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
    Dear God,
    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
    Sincerely,
    Edna
    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers in his depot. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds and by the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
    Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
    It read:
    Dear God,
    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
    By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those jerks at the post office.
    Sincerely,
    Edna

  • Burma Shave

    For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
    here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s, ’40’s and ’50’s.

    Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet……and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream .
    Here are more of the actual signs:

    DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
    OUT SO FAR
    IT MAY GO HOME
    IN ANOTHER CAR.
    BURMA SHAVE

    TRAINS DON’T WANDER
    ALL OVER THE MAP
    ‘CAUSE NOBODY SITS
    IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP
    Burma Shave

    SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
    BY MISTAKE
    SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
    HER HUSBAND JAKE
    Burma Shave

    DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
    TO GAIN A MINUTE
    YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
    YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
    Burma Shave

    DROVE TOO LONG
    DRIVER SNOOZING
    WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
    IS NOT AMUSING
    Burma     Shave

    BROTHER SPEEDER
    LET’S REHEARSE
    ALL TOGETHER
    GOOD MORNING, NURSE
    Burma Shave

    CAUTIOUS RIDER
    TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
    LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
    AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
    Burma Shave

    SPEED WAS HIGH
    WEATHER WAS NOT
    TIRES WERE THIN
    X MARKS THE SPOT
    Burma Shave

    THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
    OF PAUL FOR BEER
    LED TO A WARMER
    HEMISPHERE
    Burma Shave

    AROUND THE CURVE
    LICKETY-SPLIT
    BEAUTIFUL CAR
    WASN’T IT?
    Burma Shave

    NO MATTER THE PRICE
    NO MATTER HOW NEW
    THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
    IN THE CAR IS YOU
    Burma Shave

    A GUY WHO DRIVES
    A CAR WIDE OPEN
    IS NOT THINKIN’
    HE’S JUST HOPIN’
    Burma Shave

    AT INTERSECTIONS
    LOOK EACH WAY
    A HARP SOUNDS NICE
    BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY
    Burma Shave

    BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
    EYES ON THE ROAD
    THAT’S THE SKILLFUL
    DRIVER’S CODE
    Burma Shave

    THE ONE WHO DRIVES
    WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
    DEPENDS ON YOU
    TO DO HIS THINKING
    Burma Shave

    CAR IN DITCH
    DRIVER IN TREE
    THE MOON WAS FULL
    AND SO WAS HE.
    Burma Shave

    PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
    TAKE IT SLOW
    LET OUR LITTLE
    SHAVERS GROW
    Burma Shave     

    Do these bring back any old memories?
    If not, you’re merely a child.
    If they do – then you’re old as dirt..

  • Help for a friend

    WAN

    HELP FOR A FRIEND.

    I’M REACHING OUT, AS A FRIEND OF MINE NEEDS SOME HELP!

    HIS WIFE TOLD HIM TO GO OUT AND GET SOME OF THOSE PILLS
    THAT WOULD HELP HIM GET AN ERECTION.

    WHEN HE CAME BACK HE TOSSED HER SOME DIET PILLS.

    ANYWAY, HE’S LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO LIVE, CAN YOU HELP HIM?