Wan's World

Month: March 2013

  • Newfie Diet

    A newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

    WAN“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly
    again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The
    next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. ”

    When the newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60
    lbs!

    “Why, that’ s amazing”, the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

    The newfie nodded. “I’ll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to
    drop dead on dat ‘tird day..”

    “From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

    “No, from the stupid’ skippin’. “

  • Just a tap

    Surprise!!

     

     

    WAN
    Just a Tap on the Shoulder…

    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, ‘Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.’ The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, ‘I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly.


    The driver replied, ‘No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years…

  • Catholic Hairdryer

    WANCatholic Hairdryer THIS IS PRICELESS!

     

    In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.  However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination wasOK to express the Truth differently without lying.

     

    Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

     

    Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

     

    An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’ ‘ ‘Of course child.  What may I do for you?’ ‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.

    It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?  Hide it under your Robes perhaps?’ ‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.’ ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.  The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ‘From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.’ The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’ ‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father.

     

    Next please!’

  • HE-MAN.

    A very well-built man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a pro football player. They start to talk and eventually go back tohis place.

    They start to kiss, and the man takes off hisshirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

    “What’s that for?” the lady questions.

    “Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.”

    Then the man takes off his trousers, and onhis leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

    ‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again.

    “Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.”

    Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

    The lady screams: “Don’t tell me you have AIDS!”

    The man replies: “No, no…!!! Calm down…!!!

    It will say ADIDAS in a minute.”

  • Today’s Bad Idea

    Just when you think a person can’t get any dumber…..

    This will cleanse the gene pool a little.

          I know, I saw it right away, too!  No safety glasses or hearing protection!

    And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on.   I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack — don’t you agree?

  • Winter

    WAN

    You know. . . Time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of
    the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married

    and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons

    ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I

    have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

    But, here it is… The winter of my life and it catches me by
    surprise….How

    did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I

    remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those

    older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I

    could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

    But, here it is…my friends are retired and getting grey…they move slower

    and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than

    me…but, I see the great change…Not like the ones that I remember who

    were young and vibrant…but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we

    are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we’d be.

    Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the

    day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore… it’s mandatory! Cause if I

    don’t on my own free will… I just fall asleep where I sit!

    And so…now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the

    aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things

    that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though the

    winter has come, and I’m not sure how long it will last…this I know, that

    when it’s over on this earth…it’s over. A new adventure will begin!

    Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn’t done…things I should

    have done, but indeed, there are many things I’m happy to have done. It’s

    all in a lifetime.

    So, if you’re not in your winter yet…let me remind you, that it will be

    here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in

    your life please do it quickly! Don’t put things off too long!! Life goes by

    quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is

    your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of

    your life…so, live for today and say all the things that you want your

    loved ones to remember…and hope that they appreciate and love you for all

    the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

    “Life” is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those

    who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

    LIVE IT WELL!

    ENJOY TODAY!

    DO SOMETHING FUN!

    BE HAPPY !

    HAVE A GREAT DAY

  • Passport Letter

    ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER—–HILARIOUS!

    This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

    Dear Sirs,

    I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

    For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

    * My birth date you have on my pension book.

    * It’s on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years.

    * It is on my National Health card.

    * My driving license.

    * My car insurance.

    * On the last eight damn passports I’ve had.

    * It’s on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

    * All those insufferable census forms.

    * Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Mary Anne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be abso-f***ing-lutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!!!!!

    I apologise, I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit!

    You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f***ing address!!!!
    What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholesworkin’ there?
    Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

    I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

    And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you’d be the last f***ing people I’d want to tell!

    Well, I have to go now ’cause I have to go to the other end of thepoxy city to get another f***ing copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

    Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??Nooooooooooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

    You’d rather have us running all over the f***in’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find somearsehole to confirm that it’s really me on the damn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (bureaucraticf***in’ morons)

    Hey, do you know why we couldn’t smile if we wanted to? Because we’re totally pissed off!

    Signed

    An Irate Citizen.

    WANP.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me?

    Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 …………
    I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. …….. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor –
    WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN
    PAKISTAN !!!
    Sincerely,
    YOURS

  • Pictures that you don’t see often

  • Old Geezers

  • Old Question…

     

    What deep thinkers men are… 

    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

    The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

    Finally I thought about an age old question:

    Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

    Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. 

    Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”

    On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

    I rest my case. Time for another beer.