Month: March 2013
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Can you name this old tool?
Thought you would enjoy this educational moment in American history. Can you name this strange old tool? Do you know what it is?
Tobacco Smoke Enemas (1750s – 1810s)
The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke towards the rectum.
The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.
Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your ass.”
Amazingly, it is still in constant use in Washington, D.C., by the best senators and representatives that money can buy.
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Washington DC Airport Ticket Agent
A DC ‘airport ticket agent’ offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is inMassachusetts ..”
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..”His response — click..
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!” (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ”Is it possible to see England fromCanada ?”
I said, ”No.”
She said, ”But they look so close on the map” (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car inDallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas … When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead ofIllinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’
He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?”
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”
10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”
11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .”
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”
”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?”
The reply? ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it’s in!
Could ANYONE be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
I don’t write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around. -
TESCO HORSE MEAT JOKES – Didn’t take long
A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers
from TescoHer condition is said to be stable
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So I had £5 each way !Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the
pony that she’s always wanted!I had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night….
I still have a bit between my teethTesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of
unicornAnyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh?
“I’ve just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer…AND THEY’RE OFF”
I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse…..”
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.A cow walks into a bar. Barman says ‘why the long face?’
Cow says ‘Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!’
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
d’oeuvres.These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a
dead.. NO! NO NO NO!Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots
To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian -
Old Fart Pride…
I never really liked the terminology “Old Farts”but this makes me feel better about it.And if you ain’t one, I bet ya you know one !I got this from an “Old Fart” friend of mine !
OLD FART PRIDEI’m passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it’s not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.- Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
- Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbour, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam.
- If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
- Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
- Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don’t like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
- Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it’s about their children or grandchildren.
- It’s the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Farts !
Pass this on to all the “Old Farts” you know.
I was taught to respect my elders. It’s just getting harder to find them. -
o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and
try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court
Monday.”On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? ”“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I
told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small
circle is your brain after drugs.”“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
“And how did you do?”“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”
“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like
this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your
asshole before prison……………… -
Dis Is When It’s OK to say “OMG”!
WHEN IT’S “OK” TO SAY OMG!!!
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Being 8 again
To Be 8 again!
You’re gonna love this one
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, talking to his wife. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.‘I’d like to be eight again’.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World themepark. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a Chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! Retard!!!!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
