JUST OLD PENCILS!
BE SURE TO READ THE PARABLE AT THE END !
|
JUST OLD PENCILS!
BE SURE TO READ THE PARABLE AT THE END !
|
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was
the strongest man around that they offered a
standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all
the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon
to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.)
but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing
thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in
a tiny, squeaky voice,
“I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender
said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence
as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and
six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000,
and asked the little man,
“What do you do for a living?”
The man replied,
“I work for the IRS.”
THE COW, THE ANT AND THE OLD FART
The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”
The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”
Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn to say something.
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.…What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, …what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole …that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English language …is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ….How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.…Why not?
8. What was the President ‘s name…in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, …and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say,… “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ….how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: Johnny of course
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer:
Mt. Everest; it just wasn ‘t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?]
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can ‘t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. What was the President ‘s name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
A father and his son go into the grocery store when
they happen upon the condom aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many
different boxes of condoms.
The father replies…well, you see that 3 pack?
That’s for when you’re in high school.
You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.
The son then asks his father,
well what’s the 6 pack for?
The father replies, well that’s for when you’re in college.
You have 2 for Friday night,
2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.
Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.
The father replies, well that’s for when you’re married.
You have one for January, one for February, one for March…..
When God made man, there was only the one, and the
various parts of the body argued about who would
be the boss.
The hands said they should because they did
the manual work.
The feet thought they should because they
took man to where he could do the work and
get food.
The stomach thought it should be boss because
it digested the food that kept all the body
parts working.
The heart thought it should be because it pumped
the blood that allowed the food to be digested by
the stomach and reach the body.
The brain said,
“No, I have to send all the signals to get each
of you to do your job. Therefore, I am the boss.”
The a-hole said,
“No, no, no… I should be the boss.”
Well all the other parts of the body laughed at
the a-hole.
The a-hole got made and said
“I’ll show you who’s boss”, and clogged up the works.
After a few days, the stomach ached …..
the hands were practically helpless …..
the feet could not carry the body …..
the heart was about ready to stop pumping blood …..
the brain’s signals were being ignored and
finally, the body died.
The moral of this story is …..
you don’t have to be a brain to be the boss,
… just an a-hole.
RARE HISTORICAL PHOTOSphotos and descriptions that tell us what it waslike to be there and, perhaps, surprise us with something we didn’t know and haven’t seen.
A boxing match on board the USS Oregon in 1897.
Albert Einstein looking fabulous.
Here’s his report card!
Samurai taken between 1860 and 1880.
A shell shocked reindeer looks on as World War II planes drop bombs on Russia in 1941
Roy O. and Walt Disney on the day they opened Disney Studios.
Che Guevara.
The Microsoft staff in 1978.BILL GATES front left.
The last known Tasmanian Tiger photographed
in 1933. The species is now extinct.
A different angle taken of “Tank Man,” the man who stood against a line of tanks inTiananmen Square. He is standing in the street between the tree trunk and the fleeing man.
You can see the tanks approaching from the right.
Winston Churchill out for a swim.
The London sky following abombing and dogfight betweenBritish and German planes in 1940.
Martin Luther King, Jr removes a burned cross from his yard in 1960. The boy is his son.
Google begins.
Nagasaki , 20 minutes afterthe atomic bombing in 1945.
A Native American overlooking the newly completed transcontinental railroad in 1868.
The Great 1906 San FranciscoFire and Earthquake of .
A Japanese plane is shot down during the
Battle of Saipan in 1944.
The original Ronald McDonald —played by Willard Scott!
Hitler in Paris .
Grounded aircraft on September 11, 2001await orders.
British SAS back from a three month long
patrol of North Africa , January 18, 1943.
Disneyland employee cafeteria in 1961.
The first McDonalds.
Fidel Castro lays a wreathat the Lincoln Memorial.
California lumberjacks work on Redwoods.
Archduke Franz Ferdinand with his wife on the day
they were assassinated in 1914,
an event that helped spark World War I.
The 1912 World Series.
Bill and Hillary Clintonplaying volleyball in 1975.
Elvis in the Army.
The first photo following the discovery ofMachu Pichu in 1912.
Child laborers in 1880.
New York ‘s Times Square in 1911.
Construction of Christ the Redeemerin Rio da Janeiro , Brazil .
Steamboats on the Mississippi River in 1907.
Leo Tolstoy tells a story to his
grandchildren in 1909.
The Beatles meet Muhammad Ali.
The construction of Disneyland .
Arnold Schwarzenegger on the dayhe received his
American citizenship.
Fourteen year-old Osama bin Laden.He’s second from the right.
Construction of the Statue of Liberty in
1884.