Month: April 2013

  • NOT JUST OLD PENCILS

    Not only the talent but the patience this person has is really something.  I hope you enjoy the show and get something out of it like I did.  (How did he keep from breaking the lead all the time?) 
        When I saw the alphabet I thought that was about it, but no it was just the beginning. 
    JUST OLD PENCILS! 
    BE SURE TO READ THE PARABLE AT THE END !  

     

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    A PENCIL MAKER TOLD THE PENCIL 5 IMPORTANT LESSONS JUST BEFORE PUTTING IT IN THE BOX:
    1.) EVERYTHING YOU DO WILL ALWAYS LEAVE A MARK.
    2.) YOU CAN ALWAYS CORRECT THE MISTAKES YOU MAKE.
    3.) WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS WHAT IS INSIDE OF YOU.
    4.) IN LIFE , YOU WILL UNDERGO PAINFUL SHARPENINGS, WHICH WILL ONLY MAKE YOU BETTER.
    5.) TO BE THE BEST PENCIL, YOU MUST ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE HELD AND GUIDED BY THE HAND THAT HOLDS YOU.
         We all need to be constantly sharpened.  This parable may encourage you to know that you are a special person, with unique talents and abilities. 
         Only you can fulfill the purpose which you were born to accomplish.. 
         Never allow yourself to get discouraged and think that your life is insignificant and cannot be changed and, like the pencil, always remember that the most important part of who you are…is what’s inside of you.
  • STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

    WAN

    STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
    I would have given him 100% . . . Whatever happened to lateral thinking?
    Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
    Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page
    Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
    Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage
    Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams
    Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner
    Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half
    Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet
    Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.
    Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
    Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands
    Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.
    Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? * Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
  • The Last Drop of the Lemon

    WAN

    The local bar was so sure that its bartender was
    the strongest man around that they offered a
    standing $1000 bet.

    The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all
    the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon
    to a patron.
    Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
    out would win the money.

    Many people had tried over time
    (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.)
    but nobody could do it.

    One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing
    thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in
    a tiny, squeaky voice,

    “I’d like to try the bet.”
    After the laughter had died down, the bartender
    said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
    Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
    to the little man.

    But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence
    as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and
    six drops fell into the glass.
    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000,
    and asked the little man,

    “What do you do for a living?”

    The man replied,
    “I work for the IRS.”

  • The cow, the ant and the old fart

    THE COW, THE ANT AND THE OLD FART


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    The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart


    A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them…

    The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”

    The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn to say something.

  • Old fashioned sex

    WAN

    PENSION SEX.
      Two men were talking.  ‘So, how’s your sex life?’
      ‘Oh, nothing special. I’m having Pension sex.’
      ‘Pension sex?’
    ‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’
    LOUD SEX  
       A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
      ‘I’ve got a big problem, doctor.   Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes,  he lets out this ear splitting yell.’
      ‘My dear,’ the shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural.
      I don’t see what the problem is..’
      ‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me up!’
    QUIET SEX
       Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife  during a recent lovemaking session,
      ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’
      She glanced at him and replied, ‘You’re never home!’
       SEX & ARGUMENTS
      A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary
    The husband yelled, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold as Ever’.’
      ‘Yeah,’ she replies, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’
      WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX  
      My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, ‘This will make you happy tonight.’
    He was right..  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.
       ELDERLY SEX 
      One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found  her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
    She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
      Brought before the court on the charge of murder.
      The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.
      She began coolly, ‘Yes, your honour.  I figured that at 92, if he could have sex…He could also fly.’
  • Brain Teasers–To Keep “AGING” Grey Cells Alive

    WAN

    Something for seniors (& those aspiring to become seniors)to do to keep those “aging” grey cells active!
    1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. …What was the third child ‘s name?

    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.…What does he weigh?

    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, …what was the highest mountain in the world?

    4. How much dirt is there in a hole …that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

    5. What word in the English language …is always spelled incorrectly?

    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ….How is this possible?

    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.…Why not?

    8. What was the President ‘s name…in 1975?

    9. If you were running a race, …and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

    10. Which is correct to say,… “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ….how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

    Here are the Answers

    1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name?

    Answer: Johnny of course

    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

    Answer: Meat.

    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

    Answer:
    Mt. Everest; it just wasn ‘t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?]

    4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

    Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

    5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

    Answer: Incorrectly

    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

    Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

    Answer: You can ‘t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

    8. What was the President ‘s name in 1975?

    Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come

    on … ]

    9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

    Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

    10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

    Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

    Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

  • Father and Son

    WAN

    A father and his son go into the grocery store when
    they happen upon the condom aisle.
    The son asks his father why there are so many
    different boxes of condoms.

    The father replies…well, you see that 3 pack?
    That’s for when you’re in high school.
    You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

    The son then asks his father,
    well what’s the 6 pack for?
    The father replies, well that’s for when you’re in college.
    You have 2 for Friday night,
    2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

    Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.

    The father replies, well that’s for when you’re married.

    You have one for January, one for February, one for March…..

  • Who is the boss?

    WAN

    When God made man, there was only the one, and the
    various parts of the body argued about who would
    be the boss.

    The hands said they should because they did
    the manual work.

    The feet thought they should because they
    took man to where he could do the work and
    get food.

    The stomach thought it should be boss because
    it digested the food that kept all the body
    parts working.

    The heart thought it should be because it pumped
    the blood that allowed the food to be digested by
    the stomach and reach the body.

    The brain said,
    “No, I have to send all the signals to get each
    of you to do your job. Therefore, I am the boss.”

    The a-hole said,
    “No, no, no… I should be the boss.”

    Well all the other parts of the body laughed at
    the a-hole.
    The a-hole got made and said
    “I’ll show you who’s boss”, and clogged up the works.

    After a few days, the stomach ached …..
    the hands were practically helpless …..
    the feet could not carry the body …..
    the heart was about ready to stop pumping blood …..
    the brain’s signals were being ignored and
    finally, the body died.

    The moral of this story is …..
    you don’t have to be a brain to be the boss,

    … just an a-hole.

  • Rare Collection of Historical Photos

    What a fabulous group of historical photo’s……………
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    RARE HISTORICAL PHOTOS
    photos and descriptions that tell us what it was
    like to be there and, perhaps, surprise us with something we didn’t know and haven’t seen.
     

     

    A boxing match on board the USS Oregon in 1897.
     
     
    Albert Einstein.
    Albert Einstein looking fabulous.
     
    Albert Einstein's Diploma
    Here’s his report card!
     
     
    Real Samurai
    Samurai taken between 1860 and 1880.
     
     

    A shell shocked reindeer looks on as World War II planes drop bombs on Russia in 1941
     
    Disney brothers, wives and mom when they opened the studio
    Roy O. and Walt Disney on the day they opened Disney Studios.
     
    Che Guevara.
    Che Guevara.
     
    Microsoft Staff Photo 1978
    The Microsoft staff in 1978.
    BILL GATES front left.
     

    The last known Tasmanian Tiger photographed
    in 1933. The species is now extinct.
     
    Tank Man Tiananmen square
    A different angle taken of “Tank Man,” the man who stood against a line of tanks in
    Tiananmen Square.  He is standing in the street between the tree trunk and the fleeing man.
    You can see the tanks approaching from the right.
     
    Winston Churchill.
    Winston Churchill out for a swim.
     

    The London sky following a
    bombing and dogfight between
    British and German planes in 1940.
     
     
    Martin Luther king and his son
    Martin Luther King, Jr removes a burned cross from his yard in 1960. The boy is his son.
     
     
    Google Start
    Google begins.
     
     

    Nagasaki , 20 minutes after
    the atomic bombing in 1945.
     
     
    Native Railroad overlook
    A Native American overlooking the newly completed transcontinental railroad in 1868.
     
     
    great fire and earthquake in San Francisco  April 18th, 1906
    The Great 1906 San Francisco
    Fire and Earthquake of .
     
     

    A Japanese plane is shot down during the
    Battle of Saipan in 1944.
     
     
    McDonald's Ronald 1963
    The original Ronald McDonald —
    played by Willard Scott!
     
     
    http://media-cache-ec6.pinterest.com/originals/41/5e/30/415e30dc3b1127b66acb5cd11ad44fb3.jpg
    Hitler in Paris .
     
    Halifax airport plane
    Grounded aircraft on September 11, 2001
    await orders.
     
     

    British SAS back from a three month long
    patrol of North Africa , January 18, 1943.
     
    Disney Cafeteria
    Disneyland employee cafeteria in 1961.
     
     
    First McDonalds
    The first McDonalds.
     
     

    Fidel Castro lays a wreath
    at the Lincoln Memorial.
     
     
    Lumberjacks in California
    Lumberjacks in California
    California lumberjacks work on Redwoods.
     
     
    Beatles at the age of 15
     
     
     
    Franz Ferdinand with his wife
    Archduke Franz Ferdinand with his wife on the day
    they were assassinated in 1914,
    an event that helped spark World War I.
     
     

    The 1912 World Series.
     
     
     
    Hilary and Bill Clinton
    Bill and Hillary Clinton
    playing volleyball in 1975.
     
     
    Elves Presley in the Army
    Elvis in the Army.
     
     
    Machu Picchu discovery
    The first photo following the discovery of
    Machu Pichu in 1912.
     
     

    Child laborers in 1880.
     
     
    Time Square approx. 1911
    New York ‘s Times Square in 1911.
     
     
    Constru??o-do-Cristo-Redentor
    Construction of Christ the Redeemer
    in Rio da Janeiro , Brazil .
     
     
    Mississippi Steamboats
    Steamboats on the Mississippi River in 1907.
     
     

    Leo Tolstoy tells a story to his
    grandchildren in 1909.
     
     
    The Beatles and Muhammad Ali
    The Beatles meet Muhammad Ali.
     
     
    Disneyland Construction
    The construction of Disneyland .
     
     
    Arnold Schawrzenegger on the day of citizenship
    Arnold Schwarzenegger on the day
    he received his
    American citizenship.
     
     

    Fourteen year-old Osama bin Laden.
    He’s second from the right.
     
     
    Construction of the Statue of Liberty 1884
    Construction of the Statue of Liberty in
    1884.