Day: May 3, 2013
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Grizzly Attack
Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Calibre Pistol
Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal Pistol
This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The Beretta Jetfire:
While out hiking in Alberta’s back country with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my husband’s knee cap was all it took.
The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It’s one of the best pistols in my collection.
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The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says………
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon.”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath….
“Pepe… Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo… what ees it? ”
“Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees….
Ees…..
Ees….
Ees….Ees…
Ees….
Ees….. a ham bush….”
SORRY. I know there’s something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldn’t help it! Little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent too, didn’t you – I know you did! You are grinning…..aren’t you! -
The life of a senior citizen
The life of a senior citizen
This is my new neighbour. She’s single, and lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised
when she walked across the street in the rain and along my driveway.
She knocked on my door, and
I rushed to open it.
She looked at me, and said, “I’ve just got home, and I am so horny!
I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have sex
all night long! Are you busy tonight?”
I immediately replied, “No, I’m free, I have no plans at all!”
Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you please look after my dog?”
It’s no fun being old !
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An irish daughter
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return her father cussed her.
“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff.. Dad..I became a prostitute…”
Ye what!!?
Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”“OK, Dad – – as ye wish.
I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate, for me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, this sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club…….
(takes a breath)…….
and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and…..”“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.
Girl, crying again,
“Sniff, sniff… a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug. -
Heavens Clocks
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when
she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on
the wall.
Each clock displayed a different time of day.When she asked St. Peter about the clocks,
he replied,
“We have a clock for each person on earth and every
time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks
off one second each time a lie is told.”Special attention was given to two clocks.
The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice.
He only told two lies in his life.Hillary asked “Where is Bill’s clock?”
St. Peter replied,
“Jesus has it in his office… he’s using it as a ceiling fan!”