Month: September 2013

  • Get Second Opinion – don’t ever rush !

    Second Opinion!

    The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit…’

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit..’

    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… Size 44 long.’

    Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

    ‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

    Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

    ‘Been in the business 60 years.’

    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

    Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’

    The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… Size 36.

    Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’

    The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

    Get Second Opinion - dont ever rush

    New suit – $400
    New shirt – $36
    New underwear – $10
    Second Opinion – PRICELESS

  • Seniors always have solutions…..

    An old  farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

    They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk  home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

    He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

    However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases
    home.

    While  he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was  lost.

    She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane ?’

    The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact,my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

    The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

    ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded  to walk the old girl home.

    On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no  time.’

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

    The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

    The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

    WAN 

  • Emailing: Ambiguity to Ponder

    THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY…


    1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

    2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR…..

    3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

    4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

    5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

    6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS ?

    7. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

    8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

    9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

    10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

    11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

    12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

    13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

    14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

    15. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

    16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

    17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

    18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

    19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

    20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

    21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

    22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

    23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

    24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

    25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

    26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

    27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

    28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD “LISP” TO HAVE “S” IN IT?

    29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

    30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

    31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

    32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

    33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

    WAN

  • TRUCKER’S BREAKFAST

    For many who travel, often the best food is a truck stop. I wonder what the waitress would have to say if someone actually ordered their breakfast as this guy did?!

     

    It’s coffee  (honest!), A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe’ and placed his order.

     

    He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.’

     

    The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, ‘This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?’

     

    ‘No,’ the cook said. ‘Three flat tires… mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights… is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards… are
    2 slices of crisp bacon!

     

    ‘Oh… OK!’ said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

     

    The trucker asked, ‘What are the beans for, Blondie?’

     

    (I love this  one…! )

     

    She replied, ‘I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

     

    FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

    WAN

  • The Hat

    Amazing how your values change as you age!
    20131109_The Hat
    I LOVE THIS WOMAN
    An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
    A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
    “Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
    “But madam, you must know that you are notwearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
    The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
  • SUBSTITUTE DOCTOR

    You have to love Ole:
    Ole  Fills In
    A  doctor in Duluth , Minnesota wanted to get
    off work and go hunting, so he approached  his assistant.

    “Ole, I am  goin’ huntin’ tomorrow and don’t want to close  the clinic. I want you to
    take care of all my  patients.”

    “Yes, sir!” answers  Ole.

    The doctor goes hunting and the following day asks: “So, Ole, How was  your day?”

    Ole told him that he took care of three  patients. “The first one had a headache so I  gave him TYLENOL.”

    “Bravo, mate, and the second one?”

    “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,” says  Ole.

    “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” 

    “Sir,  I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off  everything including her panties and lies

    down on  the table and shouts: ‘HELP ME –  I haven’t seen a man in over two  years!!’”

    “Tunderin’ Lard Yeezus,  Ole,
    What did  you do?” asks the doctor.

    “I put  drops in her eyes!!”

      You thought  I was sending a dirty joke!!
    WAN
  • The Black Bra..

    The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

    One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

    We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.  We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

    Here’s how it all went…………

     Engaged friend:
    The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

    The mistress:
    Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.  When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

    Then I had to share my story:
    When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,  stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me  he said:
    The Black Bra

     

    “What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

  • The Doorbell

    A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. 

    “Looking for a man with three qualifications: 
    won’t beat me up, 
    won’t run away from me, 
    and is great in bed.” 

    Two days later her doorbell rings. 

    “Hi, I’m Tim. 
    I have no arms so I won’t beat you, 
    and no legs so I won’t run away.” 

    “What makes you think you are great in bed?” 
    the woman retorts. 

    Tim replies, 
    “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?” 

    WAN

  • American Football

    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first 
    football game. 
    They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. 
    After the game, he asked her how she liked the 
    experience. 
    “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, 
    “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, 
    but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing 
    each other over 25 cents.” 

    Dumbfounded, her date asked, 
    “What do you mean?” 

    She replied,
    “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, 
    and then for the rest of the game, all they kept 
    screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! 
    Get the quarterback!’ 
    I’m like, hello? 

    It’s only 25 cents!” 

    WAN